Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

For all those who don't think the wife did anything wrong...I wonder if you'd say the same if it was your son or brother, who found out his wife terminated a pregnancy without even telling him.

I'd follow the lead of the mum of the person who fertilised my egg that time, tbh (as mentioned upthread). And out of my own life experience.

So yup - the same.

Sandy do you not think she may have had very valid reasons not to tell her that? Maybe she felt she would not stand up to any pressure and end up keeping a baby she didn't want and setting her career back massively.

Sandy, she did let him know - if she hadn’t, this thread wouldn’t exist.

And I’d have no problem whatsoever if someone did the same to my brother or son because it’s not my business it’s hers.

I don't get why some posters don't think he has any right to be upset? She's kept a major secret from him, whatever any of us think about abortion.

I also can't understand why she told him at all? She could have just said that she had flu to explain why she couldn't travel. I wouldn't normally advocate lying, but she was keeping a major secret from him so why not just lie? She must surely have known how he was going to react? I think she may well have wanted out of the relationship anyway.

If she had every right to do this alone and not inform him then she now goes it alone. He has to process his own feelings.

Cast your mind bacK to all the doctors strikes a couple of years ago. Much of the debate was about the massive impact having children has on females in the profession. If they're both on training contracts for their specialism or worse Foundation Years then she made a very sensible choice. It costs the NHS over £100k to train a doctor before they even make it to the stage she's at

This is a very difficult situation - I don't think either are actually BU

Your cousin loves the idea of the child - but it would be a as a part-time dad as they cannot currently live together.

the wife could not face effectively being a single parent and losing a large part of her career - your cousin is talking "childcare" not him being the one up at night or taking time off. She obviously hoped to do this quietly without him knowing but is now too sick to travel

I think perhaps if they had a recent discussion on kids (and decided to wait 3 years, when it would actually be possible for her to be pregnant and cope), then an accident happened, it's quite reasonable she had an abortion to keep to the agreed plan.

If they had agreed no kids for 3 years, why is he so surprised and upset that she wanted to keep to that?

They obviously need to discuss this as a couple, but his cousin should in no way be involved in or have any input into the discussion!

@Angelf1sh

Sandy, she did let him know - if she hadn’t, this thread wouldn’t exist.

Only after she'd done it and only because she wasn't going to the family Christmas.

She started lying / being deceptive and should have kept it up.

Sandy do you not think she may have had very valid reasons not to tell her that?

You mean tell him? The valid reason...is wanting to continue med school... but this deception destroys relationships...I've seen it first hand.
It erodes trust and when you do that...be prepared for the potential consequences.

In her position....I'd have a termination too...but I'd tell my DH.

I thought I was pregnant once... and I didn't want anymore...my DH did. I knew I'd have to tell him...then abort. I knew he wouldn't want that..but I couldn't lie and had to accept he could leave.

She was strong enough to go through with it and can't even make up a decent lie to cover it up.

I'd divorce her. Too big a decision to make without discussion. She didn't even give him the chance to process it. For me, there'd be no trust left.

I don't buy that she was scared to tell him, since she's told him now.

My other thought, given that I only know one friend who aborted without telling her dh, is that the baby may not have been his.

I'm with the Wife on this one.. and I'd actually divorce him and complete my Training...

I don't understand the comments saying he's betrayed his wife by telling his cousin about it. Op has already said they're very close and grew up together. Surely men are also allowed to choose a trusted friend to talk to when they're upset.

I'm sure the ruined Christmas comment was an afterthought, since it's Christmas Eve and the whole family had worked hard to get together.

I hope they talk it through and sort it out.

Ok, So its simple

1. He is a controlling fuckwit and she didnt dare tell him

1. She is a controlling fuckwit and thinks its none of his business

1. Baby is not his.

Any other explanation is pure conjecture and projection.

Wherearemymarbles

I'm choosing Option ONE

Wow

Just wow

Why the fuck did she tell him I'd like to know??

Fine. You might decide you are not have my the baby, end of story.

But why tell the guy? If he's to have no input? Fucking wildly bizarre.

There's way more going on here than we're being told.

Is he unreasonable? Not on the face of it no. People divorce for far less.

No I'm not involved or have any input, they are adults capable of making their own decisions. I value MN s opinions, experiences and advices hence started this thread.

She is very independent and does lots of things alone (Holidays, traveling etc). She makes major financial decisions by herself. Nothing wrong with these, I just wanted to point if my cousin is controlling they would have broken up years ago.

Let's assume she told him, and he wanted to keep the baby, either they agree or part ways because they want different things, as PP s said the outcome would have been the same, but they both have the opportunity to discuss and make a decision, their marriage could have been saved. My cousin is well aware of her situation and he would never force her to keep.

It's not about the termination, it's about the trust that has been broken. To the PP who suggest she could have kept this as a secret, Do you really think it s possible, how can you continue a relationship built on lies?

Also No she is not on MN

PP s who questioned his skills as a Doctor, what is it got to do with this situation?

OP have you asked your cousin would he have pressured her to keep it? Made her feel guilty?
She may have felt if she told him she might have ended up having a baby she didn't want and fucking up her career.

Legally speaking she had the right to do this. And he has the right to get divorced. I do think it's a massively strange thing to do within a happy marriage and without discussion. I'd guess the baby isn't his.

If it wasn't about the termination why the comments about how much he loves kids and could pay for childcare?

It's not about the termination, it's about the trust that has been broken. To the PP who suggest she could have kept this as a secret, Do you really think it s possible, how can you continue a relationship built on lies?
That's my view.
It's the trust that is the issue here, not the abortion.

However, it wouldn't be his career that would be stalled and possibly never recover

This.

Childcare is only a small part of it. Aside from the toll on her body during pregnancy and for the first few years, during an exhausting brutal time in her career, there’s all the “wifework” and general emotional housework/caring which generally falls to women, once children arrive, even in a marriage of equals.

It’s a huge decision for her to have kept from her husband though.

But given that he may have exerted quite a bit of pressure for her to keep it, even if they had discussed it, maybe she just needed to feel free to do what she wanted with her body.

Yes he loves kids and childcare is affordable. This was my view to say that plenty of people have careers and children. If they both want this to work it's not impossible. Although we plan our life in a way accidents do happen, and we can feel different about it.

I can see why it might be a deal breaker. I am imagining there must have been a few relationship problems anyway for things to get to this point, with such poor communication.

Yes .. it's a deal breaker.. I hope she leaves HIM

And now because he told you it's all over MN. And may be picked up by the Daily Fail. Good job, op!