Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

Hah

Well you sure won't keep a relationship going taking unilateral decisions about a pregnancy. That'll definitely fuck the trust.

Maybe these people are not actually ready to be married.

Could she have kept this as a secret?

Personally no. However I do know women that have. They were in happy, loving relationships and for whatever reason the pregnancy was not at the right time for them. Both went on to have planned pregnancies which made them and their husbands very happy.

The husbands never knew, both women viewed it as something they needed to sort out alone.

Not for me but until you've walked in someone else's shoes, I don't think you can judge. The women I knew felt they had good reasons for not sharing at the time - and having not shared, keeping it secret forever.

Strictly speaking she didn't HAVE to go through it alone did she? We don't know that though, do we? because we have a one-sided biased version of what happened.

We don't know why she did it alone. We will probably never know. But having had a termination, I wanted my dh at my side the whole way, only something VERY serious would have made me keep it from him.

A lot of people posting on this thread are making the point that the wife has an absolute legal right to do what she did: her body, her decision. That’s completely correct and we all agree.

Some of these people cannot seem to get their heads around the fact that doing things you have an absolute legal right to do can also lead other people to treat you differently and not wanting to be with you. There are plenty of examples of this. For example one could decide to walk out on ones children and not see them for ten years. Everybody has a perfect legal right to do that. If you did it, would you expect your children to treat you in the same way afterwards ?

She has a right to do what she did. He also has a right to have a negative reaction.

For my two-penny worth, I expect they will get divorced sharpish and she will be left to consider whether her career will ever hug her.

But I am amazed at the crap being laid at this poor bastards woman's door, that is being used as an excuse to insinuate that he she is an unpleasant person.

Exactly the same could be said for those saying horrible things about his wife. Regardless, op shouldn't be sharing any of it here.

First of all I think it is incredibly unwise of you to post this thread about someone else’s deeply personal business on a public forum that is frequently mined for republication by the trashy tabloids.

Secondly, I would encourage him to take some time away from her to consider whether he really does want to end the marriage.

On the one hand I can completely understand his feelings about finding out about this after the fact and how it will have affected his ability to trust her, on the other I can completely understand why she may have wanted to keep it to herself given the intensity of being a junior doctor and the fact they are living apart.

His wife had a perfectly legal termination that he has no right to contest or stop because she didn't want to be pregnant. Or do you think that his wish to have a baby should trump her bodily autonomy?

Nobody is contesting her legal right to have the termination. The question is whether after exercising this undoubted right she can expect her husband to be happy about it. He has no right to stop her; she has no right to expect him to be unconcerned.

differentnameforthis

Very few have called the woman anything, the vast majority have been supportive of her having an abortion, what most (?) people have said is that she should have been honest with him about it from the start.

'His wife had a perfectly legal termination that he has no right to contest or stop because she didn't want to be pregnant. Or do you think that his wish to have a baby should trump her bodily autonomy?'
*
Nobody is contesting her legal right to have the termination. The question is whether after exercising this undoubted right she can expect her husband to be happy about it. He has no right to stop her; she has no right to expect him to be unconcerned.*

That's so true, JaffaCakes4TeaNow. She told him, and now he has the right to feel hurt. Hopefully he'll be able to move past it and understand why she did what she did, but maybe not.

Yes he loves kids and childcare is affordable. This was my view to say that plenty of people have careers and children. If they both want this to work it's not impossible. Although we plan our life in a way accidents do happen, and we can feel different about it.

But it's still that has to go thru the pregnancy whilst training, then take maternity leave? Would he have been willing to take extended paternity leave?

What happens if he leaves her while she has a young baby? Would her training/career go on hold?

*It's still her

Everybody has a perfect legal right to do that. If you did it, would you expect your children to treat you in the same way afterwards ?

Shit example, that is not a right enshrined in law it’s not even a right. Parents have legal obligations to their children set out in law, we just have no way to enforce it if the child is safe

Not at all. Anyone who says that a woman shouldn't have to consult her partner (in a loving, normal relationship) regarding having an abortion is cold. Yes, it's her body but it is his child. Aborting a child that is wanted can be deeply hurtful. At the end of the day she has the right to make the decision but not taking his feelings into consideration at all shows that she doesn't really love him. Not preparing my him for it and just dropping it on him like that is just cruel. I'm sure that it was also quite upsetting for her but that doesn't give her the right to completely disregard his feelings.

He obviously needs to talk to someone since he can’t trust his wife Obviously works both ways as she couldn't tell him about the termination.

I have had a termination (although my dh knew) and it is between myself & my dh. The reasons (all mine) were what they were and it was and still is deeply private.

You see, there is a stigma attached to terminations, and regardless of my reasons being completely valid, not everyone will understand why I did it. So only me & my dh knew. It would deeply upset if he told his sister, let alone his cousin. And I would be BEYOND furious if that cousin/relative put it on a public forum, with identifying info, especially when a daily rag lifts threads for "entertainment"

What you have done is completely out of order. You shared their personal life with no regard to her, just for gossip.

But you and your DH had each other to lean on.
She has completely blindsided her husband and now he needs to seek support from a reliable and comforting place.

Basic human decency would say that you discuss this with your partner. I think your cousin has a right to be devastated. He was completely removed from the decision making process, did not get a chance to talk about it or support his wife through a termination. At the end of the day it’s her body and her choice but it should be something they go through together. If she can make such life changing decisions without even considering his feelings what else is she capeable of. Or what is lacking in their relationship that she can’t talk about it. They are clearly better apart.
Even for all my DH faults I could never do this to him.

Taylor22 Regardless, it's not up to the op to put it on here.

Yes he loves kids and childcare is affordable. This was my view to say that plenty of people have careers and children. If they both want this to work it's not impossible. Although we plan our life in a way accidents do happen, and we can feel different about it.

But he is not going to be a full time dad or even in the household because of his career!

• they do not live together
• he expects her career to take a back seat - he was not planning on taking extended leave himself - but expected her to sort childcare
• he would not be there helping night feeds and sleep deprivation
• he would not be juggling trying to find childcare for night shifts
• he would not be taking time off for illnesses
• he would be an EOW dad

I think it would be easier for her to have faced doing this if they were living together and sharing the workload - but his expectation was that she would step back and be a single parent and rely on his goodwill

You have no idea what his expectation was, all of that is just made up.

I don't see anything the OP has written as particularly outing. Why are posters berating the OP for this. We could all walk past the protagonists in this without knowing they are featured here surely. Almost all the posts on MN fall into the same category as this surely otherwise what's the point?

It's his decision and he has the right to make it. Just like his wife had the right to make a decision re the child she was carrying
However the 2 of them created that child and given the circumstances, it's a given he'd have some feelings on this. Not being told is pretty rotten. They're together, and married.

People love to say "my body my rules" but that won't always work in reality. Life is not a story book. In this case as we see, the person who also created the child wasn't privy to the termination, nor was he told. So he's chosen to walk. Her body her rules/his life his choice. Whatever..could apply to them both.

Sounds like she did it in secret because she knew he'd disapprove but it's not his training and career on the line right now, it's hers.

I can understand it if he was angry at the lack of trust on her part, but the fact that he's angry at the abortion itself and sees her decision as cruel tells us all we need to know here. He would have wanted to control the outcome for her and she could not allow that to happen.

I am sorry for him but I am on Team Wife. If he leaves her over it then so be it. Perhaps she's dodged a bullet.

You don’t see it as outing TheSquashy? Two junior Drs still in training, living apart in different cities but married, the husband is a paediatrician and the wife was due to visit the husband’s family for Christmas but isn’t because she’s unwell. I think if you knew that couple you could easily spot them. Especially if you were the husbands family (whom he might not have told). If this ends up in the paper (which seems likely as the DM loves being outraged by the behaviour of women), they’ll definitely be outed to someone - even if it’s just themselves! Remember, neither of them posted this and yet they’ll still end up splashed across the comments pages.

'He would have wanted to control the outcome for her and she could not allow that to happen.'

There is a lot of guesswork going on on this thread.

Op said he is reeling because she told him after the event and over the phone, which he considers cruel.

We have had no indication whatsoever that he would have influenced her or controlled events, in fact quite the opposite.