Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

The prevailing attitude I'm getting from you isn't that he's upset that she didn't tell him it's that he didn't get a chance to stop it.

Exactly. In which case she made the right decision in not telling him.

FWIW I didn't tell the father when I had a termination. Different circs in that he wasn't my partner, but I suspected he'd try to convince me to continue with the pregnancy (as did my friends).

When it came out (as these things have a habit of doing), it was his mother - who I barely knew - who came out on my side. She knew we were in no position to bring a child into the world, as did I, and told him to wind his neck in.

And I agree with the other posters that he is not respecting his wife's privacy by talking to you about it.
That alone can say a lot about him. I would start keeping secrets if I knew my husband was blabbering to his extended family about it, even parents. It is an extremely private and sensitive matter.
How would she feel if she is finds you posted it here?

Must he suffer in silence? Do you think his wife told no one?

She's told now because she isn't well enough to travel and can't join in

So am I right in thinking she may not have told him at all, had she not felt poorly (and might have needed him to step up if she became worse)?

I mean this gently, but has it occurred to him to wonder whether he was actually the father?

If they decided together not to have children for 3 years surely a accidental pregnancy during that time doesn’t need discussion, the resolving of that situation is a foregone conclusion.

I mean this gently, but has it occurred to him to wonder whether he was actually the father?

This crossed my mind too.

I don't blame him at all for feeling the way he does. If my dh went through something that major in secret and only told me about it when it made him ill, I would never trust him again.

By this logic...he can also him in to hide things from her...just because she may object.

You don't do what she did in marriage.

It erodes the trust and creates disharmony.

He is within his rights to divorce her ... because trusting her after this won't be easy.

I suspect he would never have been told if there hadn't been a fuck up with the procedure. He should have been there with her, it was something that affected them both - otherwise, if she was affected more than she expected, physically or emotionally, they would have ended up where they are now, with him feeling betrayed because she didn't think he needed to know. She was an idiot.

So he would have given up his career to care for this baby?

Plenty of people have both careers and children

RidingWindhorses

Of course you are changing the fucking (after all its big to swear) narrative (as are others), and the major part of his list, even though you may not like it, is relevant to his thought processes.

He has as much right to be pissed off about this and end the marriage as she is to have the abortion.

If they decided together not to have children for 3 years surely a accidental pregnancy during that time doesn’t need discussion, the resolving of that situation is a foregone conclusion.

Really? My husband and I have decided definitely no more children. If a pregnancy happened I wouldn't dream of aborting without talking to him.

He should divorce her no question.....He'll be a sperm donor when it suits her?

Bugger off!!! There must a be a sensitive lady out there for him and he'd do well to get shot of his current wife. IMHO

My husband and I have decided definitely no more children. If a pregnancy happened I wouldn't dream of aborting without talking to him

In most circumstances I think having another child is a world away from having one's first. Any careers put on hold have already been put on hold . The transition from childless to parent has already taken place.

Also presumably you'd entertain the idea of another child, and your husband would entertain the idea of it being your decision.

I disagree that the H has done something wrong with talking about his relationhsip problem with the OP.
It’s totally ok to talk to someone else than your partner about relationship problem. Actually keeping everything between closed doors often created more issues tbh.

I think there isnt enough info to say if one is unreasonable or not.
She might well have not talked to him because she knew that he would be totally against it and didn’t want to aggro, esp so close to Christmas.
She didn’t talk to him in person because she is working in a different city. They might also work very different shifts so Talking wouldnt have been very easy. Etc...

I do agree that this was a very important decision that should have been taken together.
The fact she hasn’t is making me wonder if his attitude so far have led her to think he will have been very inflexible and would have tried to convinced her to keep the baby even though this wasn’t the right time for her.
It’s not just the work that is harsh. It’s he fact they aren’t in the same town so she would have had the full responsibility for the child, on her own. It’s the fact it would have affected her job prospect, not his etc....
Which then makes me wonder if he isn’t a bit naive (just like you are OP) about the impact of a baby on his dw and her life/work.

He'll be a sperm donor when it suits her?

Er, yes. Or rather he'll be a dad when it suits them both.

If a husband didn't want a pregnancy to continue, would he have the right to force his wife to have an abortion? Because that's what you're suggesting, Weasel

I really need to learn to sit on my hands when trolls come along

Nothing to do with you if/why they divorce, listen but stay out of it.

That is bad. If you are going to do it behind his back don't bother telling him at all. It's rubbing it in his face.

So, due to the abortion she is too I'll to travel for Christmas? This sounds all very sad. I think until people know the spirit of the whole episode they are doing nothing but projecting their own agenda.

No no no....to carry out an abortion without involving the father is a callous act in my view.

I do think that the reality will be the pregnancy will be when it suits her, hopefully he'll be on board but replaced if he isn't.

You ladies always talk about the woman's right to choose .....I agree with that, but couldn't the decision have been made together so that they could grieve together? If my wife had done something like this I'd always be wondering about the child that wasn't allowed to be born - I'd be wondering on my own!! Just my view.

Jeeze, I hope she’s not on MN. Imagine logging on and finding out that, not only has her DH been blabbing her private business, the whole of MN are yabbering on about it too. And probably the DM by dinner time.

You ladies always talk about the woman's right to choose

I’ve heard whispers that some men even talk about a woman’s right to choose! Imagine that!

but couldn't the decision have been made together so that they could grieve together?

Well then that makes it his decision doesn’t it? If they both have to be in agreement then it isn’t her right to choose. You can’t say it is her right to decide but she has to ask her partner too. It’s one or the other.

I was just thinking that too makeit I hope the fail don’t pick this up.

I won't say any more on this subject, I offered a different view, that's all. Very very painful subject matter.

I would leave her too. This isn't a partnership. She should have talked about it with him, why tell him at all especially how and when she did (assuming it's a healthy relationship).

For all those who don't think the wife did anything wrong...I wonder if you'd say the same if it was your son or brother, who found out his wife terminated a pregnancy without even telling him.

There is a mentality that women can do no wrong among some people here. This reminds me of my Ex SIL.. who had cosmetic surgery..meaning she couldn't have any more children...without consulting my brother...then when she got an infection... she suddenly tells him...because she needs the money to put it right.

That's why she's my Ex SIL.

There's no question it's her right to do what she did. I believe every woman has that right ...but when your married...the very least you csn do is inform your spouse. It's not seeking permission or approval..it's letting him know.

This sort of deceit puts a marriage on shaky ground.

And just because they had a timeline to start a family..doesn't mean she shouldn't have told him.