Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

I completely understand his perspective.
She betrayed their supposed intimacy by not making him part of the experience, she kept a huge secret.
He deserves to have input to her decision. What other things will she keep secret and not share, what other surprises will come out. How else will he be sidelined & not allowed to even express his feelings or preference.

The allegation will arise (on this thread) that she kept it secret b/c she knew he'd be coercive; in which case they are better off without each other.

'Childcare is affordable given his income'

Maybe she wants her income. Maybe her career is really important to her and she just couldn't see a way through it because she's so tired/or totally focused on her career

Maybe she knows in a way he doesn't that it's her career that will be suffering, hers that will take all the knocks. That it isn't the right time for her.

I'm not judging him. I just feel tremendously sorry for her as I know no women who take this decision lightly

I feel so sorry for his wife. I’m sure this decision wasn’t taken lightly. She needs his support right now

How very sad for all sorts of reasons.
Sad she ended up in this position, sad she felt unable to share the pregnancy with her husband, sad he thinks leaving is the answer.
Training is brutal, unimaginably brutal on the individual junior doctor and everyone around them. Enduring relationships are tough at the best of times but through the long years of training it reaches a whole new level.
Yes she probably has ruined Christmas but that’s a small issue compared to destroying their marriage. Why did she not talk to him before she went ahead? It was his child too. He should have been involved in the decision and absolutely should not have received this information over the phone.
Hopefully they’ll talk, the anger and hurt will subside and they can begin to heal. My husband is steadfast, loyal and tolerant but he’d be very challenged by that level of dishonesty.

Tinsel

The thing is she would have a baby in her body for 9 months. To him his baby is dead forever.
I agree with him tbh...

But it’s not just about carrying a baby, it’s about being a parent, and having that responsibility.

I can totally see her reasons for aborting, but I think in a healthy relationship, it should have been discussed. Why did she wait until now to tell him!

I would leave without a moment's hesitation. Fuck that!

If she had the abortion without discussing it or telling him, she should have not told him about it at all.

I think he will never get over his first point - that he does not want to be with someone who will keep big and important issues secret from him; and who doesn't find him to be the person to talk to when times are tough.

We will never know why she chose not to talk to him. But the making of that choice is in itself a big deal.

I agree with Brownsocks. It's too huge a thing to get past given they are married.

He is not controlling, very supportive of her training and career.

Except that he didn’t take enough responsibility to prevent a pregnancy.

“Supportive of her.....” always sounds pretty patronising. Was she “supportive” of his training and career too? Maybe she didn’t want for his career to be affected by him having to take time off to look after the baby.

Regardless of how wonderful you think your cousin is, his wife felt it a better solution than sitting down and talking it over with him. That didn’t happen in a vacuum, it happened in the context of their relationship. If he can’t see he has a part to play in this, then she is better off without him.

Neither are being unreasonable.
They are living apart during a pivotal stressful time in both their careers. They have already therefore made the decision to put their marriage/relationship second to their careers for a while.
She had a problem and fixed it. Awful situation for her.
They are married and they 'should' be able to talk about anything, but this conservation was never going to fix the problem.
'I'm pregnant and am going to have a termination. they can fit me in this week'. 'Lets talk about this. We can afford childcare and I love children.' 'We don't even live together and to maintain my career path I need to work 18 hours per day for the next year. There is no way this can work at the moment. Having a family now is just not possible.' 'But I love children and can't cope with the idea that you would do this without my permission. It's my baby too' 'I cannot be pregnant right now.' ''But I want you to keep it.' 'But I can't be pregnant right now.' 'But I want to keep it.' and round and round.
The moment that their contraception failed the relationship was doomed unless he can get past this. So sad for them both.

Except that he didn’t take enough responsibility to prevent a pregnancy.

Maybe she was using protection and it failed.

I think some posters are determined to paint the bloke as being in the wrong.

She is training to be doctor having a baby now would be a huge set back. So what if his wage would support them. She wants her own career.
He can leave a marriage for whatever reason he wants.
But do you think she would have been given a hard time if she had told him she was having an abortion or do you both think he should get a day on what happens to her body?

Abortion politics aside, that she felt unable to discuss this with her husband means there isn't much of a marriage there tbh.

I imagine they would be better off splitting.

You may find this hard to believe, but men are also capable of pain and heartbreak. I would leave her too. That was his baby too and he should have at least been told about it and what she wanted to do. Her behaviour is actually pretty appalling.

Hm. There's definitely something wrong here that she felt she couldn't tell him about this beforehand.

I seriously considered termination in the early stages of pregnancy with dc3. Was basically in a blind panic. I'd been keener on a third child than he was, but I know he would have been terribly upset had I terminated. All he said was that it was my choice entirely, he would support me whatever, but he thought I'd regret it if I terminated. I continued the pregnancy and he was right, I would have regretted it.

I too have reservations about the interpretation of 'her body, her choice' according to which the father isn't allowed any view at all, but there's something concerning about this man's response to this. Particularly 'ruined Christmas' He sounds a bit in a froth of righteous indignation rather than genuinely in shock and hurting.

Like a pp, I wonder why she told him at all. If she'd kept everything else secret, it seems hurtful to announce it afterwards.
If this is unacceptable to him, then he is not BU.
We don't have the full story, and a topic like abortion is really no-one else's business.

Between the lines I infer that she didn't tell him as she knew he would put massive pressure on her to keep it. And she wanted to finish her training before having kids.

I understand from his POV it feels like a betrayal, but I think he needs to consider why she did not tell him.

Ruining Xmas is irrelevant tbh. But: things clearly aren't as rosy as they have made everything appear on the outside. yes, they may have great family support and be financially well enough off to support a family etc. But that she didn't tell him she was pregnant, or had an abortion at the time and waited until she could do it over the phone, indicates she probably feared his reaction regardless of whether it was justified or not.

So yes, he is entitled to make his decision based on the facts he has received from her.

The cynic in me wonders why she even told him at all, given he clearly has strong feelings about the subject and this would not have been something that would never have come up in the past. She could have said nothing and no-one would be any the wiser.

Would your Brother have forced her to have a Child she didn't want right now OP ?

your wording of your Post sounds like this would be likely ... and if she's Training then she's not in the right place or time... and took the decision on her own.. rightly or wrongly... it's done now...

If he needs to Divorce her then that's the right thing for Him....

Surprised at rhe comments and the vitriol against the woman here.

I'd be asking why she felt unable to discuss it with him. Why she took the decision to do this. No woman makes the decision to have an abortion lightly. To do so with no support tells me there is a much bigger and disturbing story about their marriage than your cousin is telling you.

I think there is a big issue she didn’t tell him then after the event told him over the phone seems someone scared of reaction . Something very not right here.

Assuming all was well in their marriage beforehand I would leave her too. Not even telling him she was going for an abortion is an extremely callous thing to do.

I don't understand why she told him at all ?? She kept everything else to herself and should not have told him she had an abortion . It doesn't make sense at all - maybe she wants him to leave her ??

I understand where cousin is coming from. Major decesions like that should be discussed. Trust has been broken.