Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

I also think him telling other people her private medical information is really shit and as a doctor he should bloody know better. And now because he told you it's all over MN.

Of course he can end the relationship if he wants. But if he dumps his wife just after she’s been through an abortion then I would suggest that his ‘cruelty’ would far outweigh hers.

In all the years I've had female friends old enough to go through this, I've never known a woman who took abortion lightly. Who glibly thought to herself "can't be fucked with this, off to get me a termination" and skipped off into the sunset laughing. Because it is a decision which can impact a woman's emotional well-being (not to mention physical) for years and years to follow.

If someone phoned me and said "My wife's had a termination, I'm devastated" the first response would be to feel incredibly sorry that she felt that was her last resort. Because it's not something anyone takes lightly. Instead of phoning family members to announce his divorce plans he really ought to be with her, talking this through and seeing if they can reach a point of reconciliation. She absolutely should have told him. But the fact is she didn't, and she must have had a reason (or several reasons) for that. Without knowing those reasons it's not really anyone's place to judge if he's right or wrong for declaring he wants a divorce.

And, ruined Christmas? Really? If he’s worried about that then he really needs to get his priorities right.

^ this.

I'm beginning to think she should leave him, tbh.

We are close and same age grew up together, we share everything etc. He needs someone to talk to, he is devastated and all over the place. He is facing loosing his child and wife all at the same time. Christmas isn't a priority I know, that's why it didn't make the top . This Christmas we v worked hard to get our family together, hence he thinks our efforts are ruined.

Actually my first thought would be why are you telling my your wife's deeply personal medical ?

Well maybe her husband's odd habit of sharing everything with his cousin is one of the reasons she didn't tell anyone until it was done. She wouldn't have just been dealing with him would she, but the extended family he blabbed to.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She should have been able to share her feelings so he could be there for her. She couldnt do so it’s not an effective partnership.

Unless she can open up about why so they can work through it and improve thing together then I’d leave too.

Of course she should have been able to tell him but I’d be wondering why she didn’t. Was she trying to protect him from hurt? Scared of him? Worried he’d try to emotionally blackmail her into having the child?

Tbh it sounds like she was 100% decided she couldn’t have it and he wasn’t ever going to be on board with that. So while she was in the wrong not telling him I think they’d still be looking down the barrel of divorce even if she had told him

Is he willing to talk to her about her reasons for not telling him? Or is he all on his moral high horse as “the wronged party”. If he isnt willing to listen openly then I don’t think there’s any hope.

He is not "losing his child" - there was no child. There was potentially a child, but the same could be said every single time his wife ovulates.

If they had wanted a child at the time this pregnancy began, they'd have been trying for a baby. They didn't, and they weren't.

My thoughts are the same as museumum, did she not say as she didn't want him to try and persuade her into go against her wishes?

No, he's not being unreasonable. We all have deal breakers that would be a step too far.

Ruined Christmas

Firstly, he's a doctor. Yes, he's bloody lucky to be all together at Christmas but really? He must have seen what happens to other people at Christmas! I've spent Christmases when I've done nothing else but break bad news to people in A+E. I'm now senior management and my Christmas is 'ruined' backfilling for staff off sick but that's healthcare. He has a lot of growing up to do.

Also, why would everyone else's Christmas be ruined? Nobody should know about this except him and his wife, and maybe one confidential friend. Unless of course he wanted his whole family to be glaring at his wife in a 'burn the witch' style as soon as she turns up.

Actually my first thought would be why are you telling my your wife's deeply personal medical

Because just like "it's her body her choice", it's his choice who he chooses to tell that the child he co-created has been terminated.

Bit like a friend of mine who's husband had a vasectomy without discussing it with her. They had 2 children, she wanted one more, he didn't. So he had the chop. When she found out she went mental at him.

His reply was "It's MY body!!"

He went to a 'private' clinic to have it done and didn't tell her for 2 years.

Also, why would everyone else's Christmas be ruined?

No he isn't telling this to anyone else. He is now gone to see her. They both won't join us tommorw

OP, it’s good that you’re there to support your cousin, but I hope you are also encouraging him to support his wife through this.

Cross post - that’s good he’s gone to get.

His wife has just had to go through an abortion alone and he's worrying about fucking Christmas? What's her Christmas going to be like? It's all about him.

it's his choice who he chooses to tell that the child he co-created has been terminated.

All the more reason for his wife to have kept it from him. I understand his need to talk this through, but if the person he does this with is referring to "losing his child" and other such hyperbole then it suggests his confidante choices aren't that great.

Still, he's shown his true colours - better now than in a decade's time I guess.

I think he is not unreasonable. Yes her body her choice bit also his baby too! The baby was made together. Even if she had made up her mind she should have told him before! I camt imagine ever doing that and not discussing with my husband first!

Riding... she chose to have an abortion alone. If she discussed it with hom he might have gone with her. Who knows!?

His wife has just had to go through an abortion alone and he's worrying about fucking Christmas? What's her Christmas going to be like? It's all about him.

Strictly speaking she didn't HAVE to go through it alone did she?

Of course he is not being unreasonable to want to walk away. That is massive.