Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

If she had the choice of a fully supportive husband to accompany her to the clinic don't you think she'd have taken it?

I suspect she couldn't face the massive stink he would kick up about having an abortion when it's a traumatic procedure in itself.

HNBU but I probably would've done the same thing as his wife with the exception being I wouldn't have told him at all. If I needed to tell someone, I'd probably ring a mental health hotline and confessed it there instead of telling the husband. There's no way I would put my career on hold for a pregnancy or husband who would pressure me into keeping a pregnancy. NOPE.

I think I'd leave her too. Telling him and his reaction can't have been much of a concern to her because she's told him now. She knew he'd disagree with her so hasn't told him until it's too late for a discussion.
A pregnancy within a marriage should be discussed. Even if he had tried to insist she continued the pregnancy she could still have gone ahead and things wouldn't be worse than they are now. I think she's acted badly.

Her body , her choice , but imo he is entitled to be consulted/informed before the event.

The fact that she didn't , speaks volumes.

Maybe she's scared of him or maybe she couldn't give a toss about him.

She's got to have a reason for not telling him. Sounds like he would have guilted her into keeping the baby if he's now saying he's lost his child. She must have known this and felt she had no option but to go through the abortion alone.

I feel very sorry for her. Not sure why she's told him now though.

DID she deliberately keep it a secret? or did she consider the decision already made when they agreed not to have children yet and deal with it as quickly as possible (which may have been quicker than possible for many people due to her being a medic herself) and then tell him when she spoke to him (when e.g. shift patterns allowed)?

If they'd agreed that should she accidentally get pregnant, she would have the baby, then he's not being unreasonable to reconsider whether or not he wants to be in the relationship. Though she still wouldn't be unreasonable to have realised that actually she couldn't go through with the pregnancy and have had an abortion.

The list of reasons you've given sounds pretty immature though. And FFS he hasn't lost his child. He's lost possibly not even a foetus, but an embryo - which he wasn't even aware existed and was not trying to have.

He should stand back no ask himself: am I angry because I wanted that child to not be aborted no matter what, or am I angry that she didn't tell me.
There are other questions too, but this is the major burden so they should use this to simplify the situation.

That's where the answer is. If it was the former, she must have known he would do all he could to stop the abortion. He should sit down and think hard as to why the love of his life thought he would not understand her sacrifices and would want her to give up.
If it is later, and he can't get over it, he should leave.
I suspect you will find that it is more of the former than the later. But it is best resolved by talking.
Medicine is not just a profession for a lot of doctors. They do it because they love it. You can love a lot more in life than a child and if it looks impossible to him, she would be better off without him.
But if he is not like that, and says he is only angry about the not sharing part of it, then I see his point clearly.

Of course he can leave. He must be devastated.
Like those who suffer a miscarriage he has lost his child with no way of doing anything to stop it.
Just support him and don't judge. She can seek her own support system. I wouldn't choose 'sides' just be there for the one you were close to first.

And I agree with the other posters that he is not respecting his wife's privacy by talking to you about it.
That alone can say a lot about him. I would start keeping secrets if I knew my husband was blabbering to his extended family about it, even parents. It is an extremely private and sensitive matter.
How would she feel if she is finds you posted it here?

If he feels that he has lost a baby why should he not seek comfort for that?
He already feels a sense of betrayal from his wife so he can't trust her.

I am 100% pro choice in every single scenario. Anytime. Whether it's the 1st or 100th.

However just because a woman makes a medical decision regarding her body does not mean the man must just feel nothing.

She chose not to include him in the decision which is her right. However she chose to tell him now. She now has no say on how he processes or deals with what she has decided.

RidingWindhorses
If she had the choice of a fully supportive husband to accompany her to the clinic don't you think she'd have taken it?

I know quite a few women that have not "taken it", It is her right to do as she wishes with her body.

But I am amazed at the crap being laid at this poor bastards door, that is being used as an excuse to insinuate that he is an unpleasant person.

I don't think it's odd he's talking about this with people close to him, I never understand the mentality on here that you should never discuss personal issues with your friends/family. It's understandable that he feels betrayed by her not telling him, i agree that in a healthy partnership there wouldn't be any reason to keep it secret. But there must be reasons she did.

I don't think it's divorce worthy tbh. They need to sit down and have a big discussion about why she felt she had to keep it a secret. But perhaps she just doesn't see abortion as a big deal - not all women do. I've had one, knew immediately it was what I wanted and never gave it a second thought afterwards. It's not a big devastating event for everyone and he hasn't "lost his child" - she had a perfectly legal medical procedure to remove something from her body that she didn't want in there.

If Dh made that level of decision without me, I’d leave him.

Yes it’s her body. Yes it’s her choice in the end. But she married him, they’re a partnership, and if he wants kids she just knowingly ended his potential child without his knowledge or agreement and then was heartless enough to tell him just before xmas.

All women have the right to abort a pregnancy, but that decision doesn’t exist in a vacuum and he’s not an unfeeling robot who can just say “oh, ok then”

To her it was just something she wanted to remove. To him it may have been a child.

It the embryo was the same gestation as that of someone who had a miscarriage would the man be allowed to grieve?

Good points @Tallia and @SantaClauseMightWork

SantaClauseMightWork

I can never understand the he shouldn't* tell anyone attitude, unless we are back in the 1950s and men don't have feelings.

It was his child too. Yes, it's her who is pregnant however it takes 2 to make a baby

I can only presume she doesn't love her Dh that much as she should have known the outcome.

I think neither is being unreasonable.

She’s allowed to I have an abortion, and he’s allowed to leave a relationship.

The only salient point is that she felt she couldn't tell him. Or, if they had mutually agreed that they would wait another X years was following the mutually agreed plan. If they were so clear about not having a child for X years presumably they discussed what would happen in the event of an accident.

Childcare is affordable given his income

So he wants her to derail to have a child but he isn't prepared to pause his own career to take the childcare hit? She presumably knows their finances better than you do and factored the whole situation into the decision

I think its odd that he shares quite so much private relationship info with you. I'd want to hear her side.

I'm still impressed he knows childcare is affordable given they don't even live in the same house.

How was childcare going to work when she goes back to work, effectively as a single parent? Where was this baby even going to live? I genuinely know doctors who never lived together until their child was 9 years old due to never getting jobs near each other.

I suspect the 'wait 3 years' was based on where she would be in her career and a hope they would be living together at that point. She has done all the thinking above, and he is just thinking 'but a baby!'

I'd leave if DH made a decision of that magnitude without discussing it with me.

^So would I.

Why did she tell him now after the fact? She must have known how upset he would have been. She sounds spiteful and nasty

**And I agree with the other posters that he is not respecting his wife's privacy by talking to you about it.

That alone can say a lot about him.**

He obviously needs to talk to someone since he can’t trust his wife

Of course he is not being unreasonable in anyway. Not because she had an abortion but because their relationship is no where near where he thought it was.

He is basically a weekend fuck.

Its a huge decision to have an abortion in a relationship. She did this without telling him. That says there is a huge communication issue. She told him by phone. Again a communication issue in a marriage.

If he is against abortion then of course he is allowed to reappraise his marriage.

She doesnt trust him with important information so its no wonder he wants to end the marriage. He wont trust her any more. What happens when they get to the stage of actually wanting children. Will he trust her then? Will she tell him of she gets pregnant - what if she does but an important training/placement/career development opportunity is on the horizon? Will she do this again.

Basically, he sees it as her killing his baby. If he wants to divorce then that is a valid enough reason.

And yes, killing his baby will put a slight downer on Xmas.

He obviously needs to talk to someone since he can’t trust his wife

Quite.

I can't quite understand why she's told him now?

Did she think he would be completely fine with it? Sounds like a massive misjudgement of his feelings if so.
Did she know he would be upset, is this a way of ending their relationship?
Does she now regret her decision and is trying to make sense of it?

Ideally, if a woman has an unwanted pregnancy whilst in a relationship, I think that the partner deserves to be told before the woman decides what to do with her body. I think that, regardless of his and your perception of things, there was something amiss in there relationship before this happened and it may have taken these events to bring it to a head. Perhaps it all comes down to different views about abortion but that's really very significant in any relationship where there is the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy.