Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

I think there is a big issue she didn’t tell him then after the event told him over the phone seems someone scared of reaction . Something very not right here.

If she was that scared of his reaction she wouldn't have told him at all.

His reasoning is completely understandable. I think the question is why she did not involve him? Would he, ultimately have supported her wishes?

I can't imagine not discussing something that significant with my life partner, even if the final decision would be mine.

Was the marriage arranged or heavily promoted by the families? She's still training, they're living apart, she aborted her pregnancy without speaking to her supposed life partner - it doesn't sound to me like she was ready for marriage.

If they're both Doctors .. would her Termination show up on her Records ? Would/Could he access her Medical Records ? just a thought as to why she's felt she must share this information.. as others have mentioned... she didn't have to tell him atall...

Would/Could he access her Medical Records

He could, but he'd be sacked once it was discovered.

It doesn't sound like they have much of a marriage if she couldn't/wouldn't discuss it with him. The abortion itself is almost not the point. She made a major decision without including him. Whether that's because of her personality, his personality or another factor is almost irrelevant. The marriage doesn't seem very strong.

Another point is that I'm not getting from your post that your cousin loves kids so much that he was willing to put his career to the side to take time off to look after his own baby so she could continue her career trajectory and be the main breadwinner, if she chose. Because if they'd discussed that in the past as a hypothetical situation and then she had an abortion, it would be a slightly different situation.

Perhaps he should think a little less about himself and a little more about the fact that his wife has just had to make a decision about abortion and go through it completely on her own, without the support of her DH. The guy who knocked her up in the first place.

What does that say about him that he couldn't be trusted with the info, trusted to support her choice?

He is not bu. However he needs to have a good look in the mirror and think about why she couldn’t discuss it with him. They are both responsible for this situation. You take your issues with you if you go to another relationship, you don’t leave them behind so divorce isn’t necessarily going to be the solution.

Hmm, I think she must have had her reasons for not telling him to be fair. That speaks volumes. And with all due respect, you don't have a clue what goes on behind their doors.

I fucking hate the “her body, her decision” mentality. It’s his fucking child and she killed it. I’d be leaving the bitch, too ODFOD.

To him his baby is dead forever. His baby isn't dead. She terminated a pregnancy, she didn't a kill a baby.

He can leave her for whatever reason he deems best.

She can do what she wants with her body.

But he does need to have a good think about why his wife would choose to do this without telling him.

It would seem that there's a bit more to this than meets the eye - most people would actually discuss this situation with their other half, married or not - and most would not take this decision unilaterally.

Now it might be that she knew he would never agree to her having an abortion, and it might be that she didn't want kids ever and certainly not right now - but that still doesn't mean she should have done what she did.

Trust lost, she's done something really quite damaging to their relationship - so no, I don't think HIBU at all.

Another point is that I'm not getting from your post that your cousin loves kids so much that he was willing to put his career to the side to take time off to look after his own baby so she could continue her career trajectory and be the main breadwinner, if she chose.

Indeed.

I don't hear him offering to give up his career to look after the baby, simply that he could afford childcare. Doesn't indicate that he is remotely intending to do so.

She aborted their child and he's a bit of a prick for being upset that she didn't even give him the opportunity to weigh in with what he'd like to do with the life they created together...? Right. Ultimately it's her body but she did not create that life alone.

He is not BU, she should have told him and discussed it with him. It was his baby too.

I could never be with anyone that deceptive

I think your cousin is BU talking about this to his extended family. That's going to really help the marriage, right? (And make Christmas a bit awkward...I can imagine the silent judging when they visit his family).

I realise you may be his extra special confidante and hes told no-one else - but surely they should be working this out between themselves.

If she didn't tell him beforehand she shouldn't have told him after the event. I know it's not good to have secrets but once the deed was done What was the point, Perhaps just to ease her conscience.

No woman makes the decision to have an abortion lightly.

Some do.

This is along the lines of no woman would want to hurt their own child.

Being born female does not make you a saint or perfect. It does lot make you naturally maternal.

PP said that the husband did not take sufficient precautions to stop his eve conceiving. I think she didn't take sufficient precautions to stop herself conceiving. She obviously felt very strongly about it.

Or perhaps it was just an unfortunate contraception fail? Which is most likely, so why PPs have to blame the husband I don't know.

I don’t think he is being unreasonable at all.

True, it’s her decision. But I wouldn’t want to be with a partner that wouldn’t discuss an important decision with me.

If I was him I’d think either she completely didn’t care about his opinion or didn’t think he’d listen to her reasons or wishes.

Either isn’t a great base for a relationship.

I feel sorry for the pair of them. You only have his side, not hers.

Being 2 doctors in training, living apart, is a very tough time on a marriage. You don't know what has gone on in their marriage before the abortion, what they had planned about children or anything else.

Depending what level of seniority she is at, or what specialty she is in, she could be looking at years of training fulltime, still living apart, no guarantee they even have jobs in the same part of the world. Plus once she goes part-time her training time is doubled. There are points in training where most women look to have their babies and points where they try to avoid it.

Childcare - not as simple as saying it's affordable on his wage. In some specialties where they do shifts, for part-timers it's still random times and childcare is very difficult. Even for a doctor, it can be the whole woman's salary for childcare. Not every specialty is as family friendly as others.

So I don't think it's as simple as 'he loves kids' - are we saying she hates them? There may be other issues in the marriage you don't know about. She also likely knows a hell of a lot more about the impact of mat leave, part-time working etc on her career and training than he does he likely knows absolutely nothing, that she told him on the phone - did she have a choice given that work means they don't live together?

I'd be advising him that the person he needs to talk to is his wife, not anyone else and he also needs to learn fast how to have difficult conversations over Skype. It's easy when you live apart to avoid challenging relationship stuff and it's a skill to get down to it over the internet.

They’ve got significant problems anyway if she felt she couldnt tell him something so major. Whatever my decision I’d let the man I married and made vows to know what was going on.
Ultimately it is still her decision, I’m not questioning the abortion but the deceit and betrayal would be something I just couldnt get over.

I think that was a despicable thing to do without even telling your husband. Unless she thought there was a chance it wasn't his.

I'd leave her too if I were him not necessarily for the abortion but for the complete lack of communication and consideration for him.

No the marriage wasn't forced, they are together for 8 years and worked bloody hard with their relationship.

My cousin won't force her to do anything either, it's their decision not to have DC for next 3 years
It's the dishonesty and the fact that she felt it's not important to involve my cousin in this breaks him

The comments about his wage supporting them both, family nearby so no childcare issues, being married so not a quick fling etc., are missing the point that the woman in question does not want a child right now. So all of these 'no brainers' are completely irrelevant.

She's gone through years of study at medical school. She's currently working long and hard hours to qualify in a career choice that she's presumably passionate and dedicated about - because medicine is gruelling; it's not for the faint hearted. How on earth is she supposed to fit a baby into this? And more to the point, why should she have to sacrifice her career - the hours of study and effort and training - to have a child that she doesn't at the moment?

I suspect she is self-aware enough to know that when she does have a child she will want to be able to take her foot off the career gas pedal for a bit, to be able to spend time with her child. At the moment with the training she is doing it is going to be impossible to do that without compromising her career. Presumably she has decided that a termination is the most sensible way forward.

I find it interesting that she didn't tell him. I suspect that his 'love of children' would translate to exactly the scenario that ILookedintheWater outlined above - and I bet she knows that, which is why she didn't tell him. I'm not saying it's right - IMO she should have told him because as the father of the baby he had a right to know.
What's interesting - and what you don't say - is how he found out.

And as for the 'her body, her right', have a think for a moment about the chilling precedent you would set if that wasn't the law in this country. It may be his baby but it's in her body. She is the one that would have to go through pregnancy and childbirth - neither of which are risk free. When a man has sex with a woman, he does so in the knowledge that no form of contraception is 100% guaranteed, and that therefore there is a likelihood that pregnancy could occur and that the law in this country means that he has NO SAY over the matter until - and if - a baby is born.

I think they didn't have a "marriage" in the first place.

Northern if then is “right or wrong”

I am pro choice and she is entitled to have an abortion whenever she likes. I dont think the H should have a say. It’s not him who has to carry that child for 9 months and give birth.

However, the way she told him was horrible. She should have told him face to face so I can understand why he’s so upset about that.

I di think it’s odd that he’s phoning his cousin and telling people his wife’s private business.