Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

If I were him I would struggle to get past it. I don't see how being upset that his wife didn't tell him she was pregnant and getting an abortion makes him a prick!

Why did she tell him after? Either involve him from the start or keep it secret forever. Telling him after is obviously only to hurt him.

I can't imagine not discussing an unplanned pregnancy with my dh. We've had two and both times we were honest with our feelings. DH said the final decision lay with me but he wanted his feelings heard and I did too. It's his child too.

I feel for your cousin. I'd be devastated she didn't tell me if I were him. That said we can all panic when life throws us a shock and maybe it was his wife's knee jerk reaction to it.

Riding of course you don't hear him offering to give up his career to look after the baby because it's fucking gone before he even knew about it or had a chance to discuss such things. So that is a stupid comment to make and hold against him.

If they made a decision not to have kids for another 3 years, then the outcome would have been the same whether she had told him or not.

I understand his distress at not being told, and that would impact any relationship. But he really has to think about why.

I di think it’s odd that he’s phoning his cousin and telling people his wife’s private business.

Cousins can be close

We hear it reported that he could have afforded childcare which indicates his intention not to be the primary carer. We don't hear him saying that he would have been willing to give up his career.

There’s a lot of victim blaming going on here. He is a victim - his wife had his baby killed - and it’s fault his wife couldn’t talk to him and he’s a prick? Really mumsnetters? You wouldn’t blame a woman like that would you?

I think he is NBU but first he should have a proper conversation with his wife and see if they can salvage anything.

Was it his?

If the marriage is one in which they can't tackle difficult decisions together with open and honest discussion then it's over before it's begun.
Not many relationships would be able to get past this situation.

ODFOD with the pro-life crap.

He is a victim - his wife had his baby killed

His wife had a perfectly legal termination that he has no right to contest or stop because she didn't want to be pregnant. Or do you think that his wish to have a baby should trump her bodily autonomy?

She's in the wrong for not having told him.

He would have been in the wrong had she told him and discussed her concerns and he had not supported her, given her reasons.

I am married to a doctor and understand how difficult the training process is, along with not living together. I don't understand not being able to talk to your spouse about something so important. I would leave too based on the betrayal of trust.

There is no victim in this situation. There are right and wrongs on both sides. This is a woman who's just had to undergo an abortion without the support of her DH.

his wife had his baby killed

No she hasn't, that is murder (or infanticide ). She had a termination. Making up horrendous crimes to suit your POV does you no favours.

I wouldn't stay with someone who terminated my fetus. She didn't even discuss it with him (eg my own husband didn't really want to be the primary carer but would have stepped up if I also hadn't wanted to). Yes it's her body her choice, but choices have consequences, and the consequence of unilaterally aborting someone's fetus might well be that they then hate you, because you've done something horrific. There's no coming back from that really.

Ultimately I think it must be her choice. How did he think it would work if she had had the baby while they were living apart? Would he have taken shared parental leave and had the baby live with him so she could finish her training? I only know of one woman who had an abortion (obviously more will have had abortions which I don't know about) and I have never seen someone cry more - she was devastated. Funnily enough the man in that relationship was a doctor too.

She wasnt being UR to want or have an abortion. She was BmassivelyU to do it all in secret.

Unless your cousin has form for manipulating her into stuff she doesnt want to do.

Get to fuck with the "killing babies" lunacy.

I presume some kind of klaxon has gone off in the RTL sit-room?

Given that he felt it ok to share this with his extended family, I'm not surprised she felt she couldn't involve him in the decision to terminate this pregnancy

As for why she's told him now, I imagine she either knew what his reaction would be, so didn't tell him until it was too late for him to intervene, or she thought she'd be able to keep it to herself but in the event couldn't. Either is understandable.

Really sad.
I’m not sure why you started a discussion thread about it though.

His feelings are valid...her choice is understandable. She should have told him she was pregnant and that it want the right time considering her training. Too much would be at stake for her.

I don't understand why she didn't tell him before...but tells him now.

Babies affect women and their careers more. It's not just a case of having support and childcare options ..that makes it doable.

I do believe it is entirely her right to make the decision as it is her body. I also believe that in a healthy relationship most people would talk about it beforehand even if they were busy and living apart. I suspect that she felt he might want to talk her out of an abortion despite their agreement to wait and so she went ahead. The fact that she has told him now gives them the chance to discuss and be open about their feelings. It is his choice whether he wants to do that. I hope he can listen to her and try to understand how this was for her.

OP if, as you say, they both decided not to have children yet and it is only the fact she didn't tell him that has upset him, why all the stuff about how much he loves children and could afford childcare? That sounds like he would have wanted her to continue the pregnancy and may have put the pressure on.

FWIW he is entitled to end the relationship for any reason he wants. I would be relieved if I was the wife that he had exposed himself now, as someone who thought he had any say over my body, before we got down to actually having children.

Of course honesty in a relationship is important. But I think in these circumstances he should focus on he and his wife supporting each other through a very traumatic time. Even if she had told him, it would ultimately have been her decision, so it probably wouldn’t have made any difference to the outcome.

At a later date they could explore the honesty thing and why she decided not to tell him, perhaps with counselling.

It just doesn’t seem (to me) that this is the thing to be focusing on right now.

And, ruined Christmas? Really? If he’s worried about that then he really needs to get his priorities right.