something bad just happened

[frozenbaubles]

My husband has just drew his hand back into a fist as if to punch me. He didn't, he moved away, but I am holding my 7 month old daughter. This has never happened before.

I have an abundance of real life support! But long term, where would I go? What would I do? He provides for us. He earns a very good wage, I get child benefit and that's it. How could I deprive my daughter of a father? How can I allow my daughter to have a father like this? What am I supposed to do he says he was never going to hit me, but what he done is enough. He's strong, I am not. This sounds bloody dramatic, but he could do whatever he wanted with me through strength.

I'm not an easy person to live with, we've had numerous arguments in the past, but I have my daughter now. I can shout, of course I can, but I don't raise a fist.

You will find a way to survive. But you are not depriving your daughter of a father, you are protecting her from a monster who has no patience with a BABY who spent time in hospital (I speak as the mum of a 26 weeker) and who is careless with her medication.

All of which can be thought about over time, and none of which is any reason to stay in a relationship where you are in danger. It doesn't sound dramatic at all, everything you're feeling an thinking is a natural response to being under threat like this. Has he gone yet?

And you not being 'easy to live with' is no justification for his violence/potential violence. I don't expect the baby is easy to live with, but have you ever raised a hand to her? Of course not.

Breathe, honey.

But long term, where would I go? What would I do? He provides for us. He earns a very good wage, I get child benefit and that's it. How could I deprive my daughter of a father? How can I allow my daughter to have a father like this? What am I supposed to do

Just focus on keeping yourself and your child safe. She is not safe with him. You have to leave. Staying with him is not an option. Once you accept that, everything else will be achieveable.

Stop saying you're not easy to live with. Most of us aren't. It has nothing to do with what he's doing.

It's scary isn't it, the unknown. Start looking into it seriously. Many women have been in your situation and I don't think I've read one instance where it didn't get so much better once they'd got out. Ok, financially it will be tough but your peace of mind and the feeling of calm and safety for you and your daughter will mean so much more.

Do you have anyone you can stay with?

As above, your daughter does not need a father like that. She will grow up witnessing abuse and will repeat the pattern by marrying a man who abuses her. Do you want that for her? You can make that decision right now.

You know it could end much worse than that too. If he’d hit you when you were holding a tiny baby she could have died from a fall. He’s got years ahead of threatening both of your lives. Leave.

OP long term he has to provide for your daughter anyway, you don’t have to live in fear with him. He has to pay financial support. When your child is a bit older you’ll be able to work and everything will be improved.

This situation is only going to get worse. You still have the mental awareness that his behaviour is wrong, don’t leave it so long that you’re making excuses for him and blaming yourself.

He’s dangerous. Get out.

So what is your other option OP?

You don’t want to ‘deprive’ your daughter of a father but the only other option is to bring her up around a man who thinks it’s okay to clench his fists at a woman. You will then be partly responsible for her messed up opinions towards men later in life

Do this for you. Do this for her. He isn’t a decent father if he’s clenching his fists to his daughters mother

My dd suffers from anxiety. A relationship like yours would make her a zillion times worse. Go home today and allow yourself to start healing. Without him you are stronger than you think. If he earns well he will have to pay maintenance.

Op you should be able to shout as much as you like without anyone raising a fist to you. (I'm not saying the shouting is ideal but you get the point) it was him shouting at you though wasn't it?

You won't be depriving your child of a father. She'll have a father wherever you live.

It sounds like your not ready to make this decision. I understand that, it took me a while. I'm pretty ashamed of that now tbh.

Oh my goodness...this is not right OP.

You say you are taking your daughter to get vaccinations today? Can you seek refuge with family? Talk to them about what's happened and stay away from this man, please!

I have been there, it's so confusing, you know it's wrong but you can't see another way but there is. You cannot live your life in fear. This man is an abuser plain and simple.

What should you do?

Firstly, call a friend or relative who you can stay with for a short time who will help you get your affairs in order and help with the baby. Speak to police, women's aid and CAB to discuss options for you in a safe place.

Secondly, once you're out and starting the process above, start thinking about your future and plan for that.

Thirdly, do not feel guilty. You are doing the right thing for yourself and daughter.

You can do this, please be strong.

If you stay then you are depriving your daughter of the happy mother she could have.

If you stay then you are depriving your daughter of the happy mother she could have.
This times a million.

A note about the practicalities and finances.

If you talk to Women’s Aid they will be able to advise on finding a temporary place to stay, either with family/friends or in a women’s shelter, and they should be able to help you find somewhere more permanent too. As a single mother you would be eligible to apply for social housing and as a victim of domestic abuse you would be high priority - although you would obviously need to report his abuse in order to qualify on those grounds (that might not be a decision you feel ready to make but Women’s Aid could support you in deciding).

As for the finances, are you getting any maternity pay (SMP or Maternity Allowance)? If you’re not eligible for maternity pay you can apply for Income Support instead (which you will be eligible for as a single parent with no other income or significant savings). You will also be eligible for Child Tax Credits and Housing Benefit. Plus child maintenance from your (hopefully soon to be ex) partner.

If it would reassure you to know exactly how much you’d be entitled to, please call or visit Citizens Advice as they are usually very good on benefits. They can advise on housing options too.

Good luck

Before it even gets to the pulling back of the fist and shoving eachother, You shouldnt be having arguments that escalate to shouting etc in front of your 7 month old baby! She will be picking up on the aggression and stress and it will effect her. If you can't get on for her sake SPLIT UP

Sorry, just to clarify regarding housing/benefit entitlement... it does depend on a few things including the fact that you’re married... it might not be as simple as I implied in my previous post (I had written it assuming he was your unmarried partner not your husband, and assuming no joint property) but still very possible, you just need to get some professional advice.

Sorry anotheremma but your advice isn't strictly correct. Victims of domestic abuse are not automatically priority need. And being married has no impaact on housing benefit.

For goodness sake - you have to do something NOW.

He is a time bomb, and the most worrying sickening thing you have said is that he is losing patience with your baby.

You NEED to do something before he shakes her or hurts her in some way.

DON'T say he wouldn't. He would. He might feel terrible afterwards and 'not know how he lost his temper' but it would be TOO LATE.

You are BOTH in danger. If today at the doctor's is your last chance to reach out before Christmas then PLEASE do so.

Tell the nurse what has been happening, PLEASE. Or, call someone - you say you have good support - please!! Call your mum. Anyone. Get help.

Longer term things can be worked out. You will NOT be depriving your daughter of a father. What you will be doing is possibly preventing a tragedy. He needs help too. You need to be apart. He is a danger to your baby. Even if he doesn't do something to her he regrets, you cannot stay in this situation - anger, threats of violence, being prevented from caring for your baby properly. This is all a disastrous situaiton for a tiny baby to be in and it WILL damage her.

Get out and start getting this solved. It can be, but not while you are both there being terrorised by him.

Nottalotta

It depends on the council, but:
“Extra priority for urgent housing needs
The council could give you additional preference on its housing waiting list if you are:
at risk of domestic abuse in your current home”
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/council_housing_association/priority_for_council_housing

Also:
“You may qualify for emergency and longer-term housing if the council decides you are legally homeless.”
“You are legally homeless if you're experiencing or threatened with domestic abuse by a partner, former partner or family member.”
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/rules/legally_homeless

He's not only acting aggressively towards you, he's purposely being careless with your daughter's medication and letting her bottle leak all over her???

Please, please, please OP, you need to remove yourself from this situation not only for you but for your daughter. She won't be resentful that you 'deprived' her of a father, but beyond thankful that she didn't have to grow up around a man like that.

Unfortunately, I know several women who grew up with abusive fathers, and it's completely marred how they view romantic partners now they're adults. They allow themselves to be treated the same way their fathers treated their mothers, because to them it's normal.

Please don't let your daughter grow up around that kind of behaviour.

You can do this, OP.

This "man" is depriving his daughter of a father by being an abusive arsehole. You can't fix that, and you certainly can't by staying with him and giving him more opportunities to abuse you both.

Checking in...Are you alright..?

Nottalotta
“And being married has no impaact on housing benefit.”
What a strange thing to say. The rules for Housing Benefit eligibility are complicated, and there are many factors, including relationship/marital status and assets. I didn’t say that the OP wouldn’t be eligible, I was just correcting my previous assumption that she definitely would be, and suggesting she gets professional advice.

Please heed the advice of other posters. The sad truth of the world is that DV and abuse, if it does happen, often begins or escalates after the birth of a child. Who fucking knows what goes on in mens' minds, but it is clear from your OP and subsequent posts about how he acts towards your daughter that he is one of those men. This isn't going to go away. Not supporting you with anxiety would have been a huge red flag before you even got pregnant too (not that I'm blaming you; it puts you in a vulnerable position).

Please remember that no one is going to leave you homeless. Reach out to friends, family, parents. Also to professional bodies as you will be eligible at some point (I also don't know how marriage works in regards to becoming a single parent etc) for housing, single parent benefits etc. Womens Aid are good but also have a look at the Gingerbread website; they have a very helpful page detailing what support you are entitled to, which I think makes women feel more secure in leaving a bad relationship.