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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

something bad just happened

247 replies

frozenbaubles · 21/12/2017 19:31

My husband has just drew his hand back into a fist as if to punch me. He didn't, he moved away, but I am holding my 7 month old daughter. This has never happened before.

OP posts:
Toffeegurl39 · 21/12/2017 23:25

Can I add please seek help tomorrow. I am very worried for you and your baby. Take care.

SilverDoe · 21/12/2017 23:31

frozenbaubles I really hope you feel better after a few hours rest Flowers

Despite the horrible, horrible way he has treated you tonight, the worst thing for me is the way you describe your anxiety getting worse and your feeling more tense as soon as he gets home. Please know that's not normal or healthy; I have anxiety and I feel immeasurably better when my partner is around, because he is a soothing and secure presence, as a partner should be. Because of this as a background t tonight's behaviour, I really don't think it's dramatic to suggest that you need to leave him. Your poor vulnerable DD and you having to try and look after her around his behaviour is not acceptable at all.

I have never been in a position to have to do so, but I have read other wise posters say the best thing to do is to plan and look into all the practicalities of leaving, so you feel it's a realistic choice you can make rather than feeling trapped. Another thing that sounds useful to me is to tell someone IRL. That way someone outside the relationship is aware of his behaviour and can keep you on the right track, whereas if you keep it to yourself it becomes easy to minimise or give into his threats. BTW the comment about you wanting him to punch you is so unbelievably fucked up and manipulative :(

Wishing you all the best and I hope you find solidarity and support from this thread Flowers

As an aside, I don't know if I've misunderstood as the comments have been deleted, but is sounds as though someone was actually suggesting that the OP's partner's sexual frustration might be an excuse for his behaviour? Don't you fucking dare ever insinuate that it is the woman's job to put out in order to avoid conflict in a relationship. Don't you fucking dare insinuate that a man can ever use that as an excuse for being violent and aggressive. I'm not saying frustration isn't a thing, but it's absolutely disgusting to suggest that it could ever explain aggression towards a loved one.

Happinessfinder · 21/12/2017 23:34

I’m so sorry this has happened op it’s frightening and distressing. I know you probably want everything to go back to normal. The only way he will get a very clear message that this is unacceptable is if you make a clear statement by leaving. I understand if you don’t want to call the police but if you feel safe for tonight please in the morning leave with your baby to a relative or someone you are close to. This will at least make the message very clear that his behaviour is not going to be tolerated. You can reflect on what to do once you are away from the home. Please do not enter into any further arguments with this man in the meantime. Without raising his fists the screaming in your face was enough. If someone did that to you in the street would you then hang around with them? No you would get some distance. Please keep safe x

Coyoacan · 21/12/2017 23:34

OP, please, please leave while he is at work.

Apart from you own safety, think of your baby. My dgd's father shouted and attacked my dd when dgd was only two months old. The baby was distressed for two weeks after that. Fortunately they split up then and there and she is a happy little four-year-old, but these strong negative emotions do a lot of harm to a baby.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2017 23:36

Please, tell someone. Can you call your parents, sibling, friends? Is there anyone who is in position to offer you shelter? I know I'd open my home to a child, sibling, or friend in your situation even if all I had to offer was the living room floor.

Even if you don't or can't leave tomorrow, please make a plan to leave SOON.

JorlyWood · 21/12/2017 23:36

Yes you are probably right, blue but if I was in her situation right now I probably would be thinking things will be ok and he won't do it again or similar. It might help her to get out tomorrow if she doesn't think she is shutting all the doors and locking them on the way out.

I don't know, I was just saying what I would like to be told. The most important thing is she gets out and stays out for a few days at least to think about things in a safe environment and to see how he reacts. We can help her sort out the rest afterwards but please OP get out tomorrow.

Coyoacan · 21/12/2017 23:42

The trouble is that he is unrepentant. My ex was terribly repentant when he first hit me and he still did it again before I left. But the unrepentant ones are the most dangerous.

blue2014 · 21/12/2017 23:48

I totally understand what you're saying Jory Thanks

littlebird55 · 22/12/2017 00:03

Do it for your baby, if nothing else,

You can no longer guarantee their safety with him, they are relying entirely on you doing the right thing to keep them safe and well.

Please be strong op. There may not be a second chance.

please just go somewhere safe for now and evaluate quietly with professionals so you, and you alone can work out the best next move.

GetMeOutOfHerePlease · 22/12/2017 00:19

His wife has given birth prematurely and is suffering with postnatal depression and pestering for sex, and moaning about how long he has to wait?? Don’t answer if you don’t want to OP but have you had sex with him when you haven’t wanted to to shut him up and stop the pestering for a while? It’s very common to not not want sex for a while after having a baby, esp after a perm baby and add depression, if he’s havjng sex with you when he knows you’d rather not, or that you’re only consenting because he has gone in so much he is a twat. If this has been the case, him raising his fist isn’t so out of the blue and sounds like an escalation of other abusive behaviours.

Most men understand that having a baby means your life changes, that there’s a new person who needs to be prioritised for a while, he sounds jealous of his baby because you are rightly prioritising her needs, it almost sounds like he thinks if baby wasn’t needing your time so much then you’d be less tired and spending more intimate time with him? I think it can seem like a shock because men like that don’t usually seem aggressive before baby as they’ve been priotirised, when they become number two or three and don’t like it, they show their true selves in my opinion.

I hope I’m totally wrong and you don’t have to reply, but if his raising his fist at you is an extension of his pestering for sex, and getting you to do what he thinks you should be doing, id be scared at the next escalation.

So sorry you’re dealing with this, keep yourself and your baby safe Flowers

Abby100xx · 22/12/2017 00:29

Please leave, it's so easy for people to say "well he hasn't hit you" "maybe you need to talk about it" but this was me 5 years ago and for the five years following it went from a raised fist to a punch and then 5 months ago a full on beating over the space of an hour whilst I was holding our 3 week old son. I made every excuse I could for him before that day but as soon as that happened I ran out as quick as I could and pressed charges. I'm not saying this is the same neither am i saying this will definitely happen to you, but now he has made you feel unsafe you need to trust your instincts and protect yourself and your little one. Xx

blue2014 · 22/12/2017 00:33

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through Abbey Thanks

MotherofaSurvivor · 22/12/2017 00:40

OP please call Women's Aid and leave TODAY!!!!!!!! (Friday)

pollythedolly · 22/12/2017 06:06

Hi OP. Was thinking about you last night and as soon as I woke. I hope you managed some sleep and your are safe?

Reading the further posts you are most definitely in danger. I will tell you now, I have been where you are (no baby in my arms though) and that was only the beginning. The anxiety you feel, walking on eggshells. I too have defended myself and after was blamed. I have been driven to the point of insanity and emotionally on my knees without a punch, just covert mental torment which made ME look like the lunatic which I think was worse than the physical.

The idiots on here victim blaming. Shame on you. You have no idea of the damage you are doing. You're disgusting.

What are your plans OP? Please stay with us on here. We want to help x

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2017 06:31

Please call Women's Aid and see if you can stay with friends or family OP

I know he didn't actually hit you this time but he will next time if you stay with him.

LuchiMangsho · 22/12/2017 06:48

This is a very pre term baby. So probably the size of a 3 month old. On home oxygen. And has probably spent close to a 100 days at hospital (average stay for those who come home on oxygen based on my experiences).

I saw many abusive partners get worse in NICU/SCBU. Did he visit her everyday? Or were you left to handle the bulk of this?

Can you ask the community nurse who does the oxygen for support? Or is that too far fetched? I know leaving with a baby on home oxygen (if she is still on it) isn't easy. But your husband is abusive:

  1. Pesters you for sex after your baby has been in the NICU.
  2. Threatens to hit you.
  3. Twists your words around.
  4. Prevents you from picking up your baby.
  5. Gets frustrated with a defenceless and more vulnerable than usual baby.

Put together these are huge red flags. Please don't ignore them.

ChishandFips33 · 22/12/2017 06:51

I'm sorry to hear your situation OP

if it's breakup Friday, is there a chance he'll be drinking this afternoon/evening?

If so, please have a think about a plan B for tonight. Can you leave some clothes and things with a friend at some point today or let someone know you may need their help at short notice?

Hoping you'll be safe over the holidays Flowers

RaindropsAndSparkles · 22/12/2017 06:58

I don't know your circumstances, but as a mum to grown up children, if you were my daughter I'd want to know, and you to come to me for help and love. As a daughter I know how hard that would be but you are a mother too and it is your right to be moitheref as well as your baby right now. If you can, please go home.

NameChange30 · 22/12/2017 07:01

Am I right in thinking that you had sex with him just a few hours after the incident when he was aggressive towards you? Did you feel as if you had to have sex with him because you were scared about his reaction if you refused?

Regardless of your answer to that question, it’s clear from what you’ve already told us that he is abusive. He is already emotionally abusive and is only going to ramp up the physical initimidation and abuse Sad It also sounds as if he might be sexually coercive too.

If you do just one thing today, please call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247. They can offer you advice and support. They can advise on leaving safely although they won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t feel ready to do.

I hope you do leave ASAP, but if you don’t feel able to straight away, that’s ok - you can still get support from Women’s Aid and from this thread.

Would you also consider talking to the nurse about the situation when you take your DD for her vaccinations?

Whinesalot · 22/12/2017 07:21

I'm worried that you are worried that he won't let you leave with your daughter. How can he stop you? If you are concerned that he will, then it is even more reason for you to get the support to be be able to do so.

Family, friends?

Original poster
frozenbaubles · 22/12/2017 08:13

I'm okay this morning, I took anxiety medication before bed (stuff only for times its severe) but he's never pleased when I take this.
He has no understanding or patience whatsoever regarding my anxiety. If I'm having a tough time then he treats me like I'm just nagging about stupid things rather than going out of my mind with worry. I know that it can't be easy to live with me when I'm like this, but he does nothing to help me.
He's doing things (simple, silly things like not putting the lid on our daughters medication properly, not putting the lids on the bottles properly when making her bottles so it leaks on her) and I'm beginning to think he's doing it on purpose to try and see me upset.
Despite taking anxiety medication I've scratched myself raw in my sleep. I get itchy Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
frozenbaubles · 22/12/2017 08:20

It's like a normal day now. But I can't forget seeing him draw his fist back. And sneering when I cradled our daughter away from him.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 22/12/2017 08:21

Oh lovey, can you talk to your mum or dad today? Or a friend? Someone needs to know what's going on so they can support you through it.

pollythedolly · 22/12/2017 08:21

Hi frozen

Everything you've just said is abuse. Yes he is doing it on purpose. He doesn't want you to take medication. He likes you in this anxious state. He has control.

Are you ready to leave? I know how hard it is, truly I do.

Keep talking x

onalongsabbatical · 22/12/2017 08:46

hello frozen - he's off to work in a bit, is that right? So you'll have a bit of space to decide what you need to do. You and the baby are your priority. Have you got anyone you can go to? Talk to IRL? Flowers

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