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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

something bad just happened

247 replies

frozenbaubles · 21/12/2017 19:31

My husband has just drew his hand back into a fist as if to punch me. He didn't, he moved away, but I am holding my 7 month old daughter. This has never happened before.

OP posts:
NaiceBiscuits · 21/12/2017 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MdNdD · 21/12/2017 22:15

Leave now.

GertrudeCB · 21/12/2017 22:15

Stay safe op Flowers

user1485778793 · 21/12/2017 22:15

Jabs can wait a few days.

Tomorrow is your packing and getting out day.

I've done it myself for far less of a reason than you have. But, I knew where it was headed.

A friend said to me he will not let you leave if you tell him. So I didn't tell him and waited till he went away with work (a few days wait) I have never packed a car up so fast in my life but I'm glad I went. He found out that night when he rang landline and I didn't answer. But I was 300 miles away by then and safe.

ShoesHaveSouls · 21/12/2017 22:23

That includes women pushing men even if they shout in their faces.

Get out of here - shouting in someone's face - someone who is holding a baby - is domestic abuse. Pushing someone away who is doing this to you is self preservation. I'll bet that OP is shorter, smaller and not as strong as her husband too.

OP - you are very vulnerable, and your husband is abusing you in a very manipulative and dangerous way. I would urge you to get away from him - either by gettin you and your baby away from him, and safely with relative if possible, or calling police to make him leave.

gingerbreadhousegenius · 21/12/2017 22:26

Stay safe op

Jux · 21/12/2017 22:33

Grab essentials - you can always arrange for things to be picked up for you later - and when you get to the gp, or hospital, tell someone, one of the nurses or the doctor. Tell them exactly what happened, what he did, what he said, and that he blocked you from getting your dd later. Tell them everything.

You do not deserve to be treated like this, not even once. You do not deserve it.

You should be cherished in your relationship, especially when you have recently given birth, when your baby is ill.

Call Women’s Aid for a chat. Their lines can get v busy, so you can email from their site. Have a look.

StaplesCorner · 21/12/2017 22:33

This is some sort of sad joke isn't it critical - he wants to punch her and you want to send him to a B&B for a couple of nights? WTAF? You are insulting the OP and the rest of us who actually give a damn.

CalmingBalm · 21/12/2017 22:35

Please try to rest, not that it will be easy, take some headache tablets and try to sleep, tomorrow is a new day and things can be put in place for me your safety

StaplesCorner · 21/12/2017 22:36

Sorry everyone, sorry to mention the c person again, I hadn't refreshed the thread hopefully she (or he) is gone. We will all be thinking of you over night OP.

tararabumdeay · 21/12/2017 22:38

Write down what happened and how you felt somewhere safe (protected computer account).

'I asked for some help. He left the room, I followed him.

"Leave me alone," he shouted.
"How can I?" I think I shouted back. "We've got two children we're both responsible for."

He pushed me out of the way. I fell and banged my head on the fridge. Bleeding, and crying in pain he kicked me so hard against the units and left the house.

I've still got the scar on my forehead and the photos of the bruises on a memory stick somewhere.

I haven't forgiven him; I just don't care anymore. He seems fine with that - as I guess he was in the first place.

This is not a great place to live in the long run but there's peace, if not love, now.

Cindie943811A · 21/12/2017 22:39

Do leave tomorrow OP Christmas is a time when there is a high level of DV and with your DP home for 2 weeks his frustration levels will rise and he is more likely to lose his temper again. He can’t cope with you DD’s crying for one evening!
SS would regard your DD at high risk of harm from her father’s DV. Do keep her safe by leaving him. If you want a future with him you can try counselling etc etcin the New Year. Does he expect to drink alcohol over the Christmas/New Year period? That will inevitably raise the risk of DV and he I’ll use this as the excuse he is looking for. “She was looking for trouble and I’d had a few”
Good luck.

nocoolnamesleft · 21/12/2017 22:40

Sweet Jesus. There are people excusing this believer.

The OP was sitting on a sofa, holding her ex incredibly preterm baby (so a lot smaller and more vulnerable than even the average 7 monther...if on home O2, the odds are is really more like 3 months old). he was standing over her, yelling in her face. She pushed him away, and he grabbed her arm, and made as if to hit her, and just stopped. When the baby was in the cot, and started crying, he stopped her going to her. Talking afterwards, he said she wanted him to hit her. He appears to be losing patience with the baby.

How many red flags do you need? If there's one thing I hate more than women being injured by their partners, it's helpless babies being permanently brain damaged or killed by adults who flipped out at them. And reading this sounds scarily like it could head that way. Yet there are people minimising this.

ReallyJustBloodyDidThat · 21/12/2017 22:46

My anxiety is fine all day and then when he gets home from work, I'm tense. Immediately.

It's called walking on eggshells, and is a typical sign of being mentally and emotionally abused. I know, I've been there. Abuse doesn't have to be physical - if you feel anxious and scared, it means the other person is not treating you as well as he should be. And it sounds like his abuse is escalating to physical.

Please please get out before he hurts you Sad. If I'd had Mumsnet when I was going through all the shit with my ex, I wouldn't be the sad, lonely, antidepressant taking wreck I am now. Flowers

NCforthis1 · 21/12/2017 22:47

Hope you're okay OP, just letting you know I've been in very similar situations with my DP since my toddler was a baby. He would become very aggressive, deliberately intimidating, verbally abusive and controlling. Wouldn't let me leave the room to go to DS if he was woken up by HIS disgusting shouting. Locked me in the kitchen once so there was a barricaded door and a drunk man in between me and my child. It's scary as fuck and like yours mine never got physical but that didn't mean I wasn't terrified and if I could have I would have called the police as he would never ever have let me get stuff ready and leave or leave himself. My only crimes were not agreeing with his opinions and being visibly anxious around him and not coping with this life as well as he would have liked because of diagnosed PND.

He's having psychotherapy now to do with PTSD but I have still not forgiven him for putting me through those situations when he knew I was already at rock bottom and there was a baby in the house. I harbour so much resentment against him (there was A LOT more where that behaviour came from) that I don't think I can move on from so despite my best efforts to get him help, it's me that's ended up with all the emotional shit to deal with (including feeling very anxious around him some days, like you do- listen to that because there's no smoke without fire).

Don't be me and wait to have a conversation when he's calm because you'll have calmed down too and he'll very likely talk his way out of it. It's unacceptable behaviour and you don't want to stick around to find out if it'll happen again and potentially expose your DD to it. Try and find somewhere else to stay from now on. Good luck 

ReallyJustBloodyDidThat · 21/12/2017 22:51

Before he hurts you or your baby Sad.

blue2014 · 21/12/2017 22:53

Please leave tomorrow - please please please.

You can do this.

My mum left my abusive dad and I've thankful to her every day for that.

Get out before he becomes your daughters idea of a what a normal healthy relationship is

You both deserve better

Leave as soon as he's gone to work

user1474652148 · 21/12/2017 22:55

Let him sleep. Be reassuring. Do what you can to stay with the baby.

Tomorrow take her out for a walk or Christmas shopping with your just your usual purse and her teddy and go immediately to;

The police station and ask for a restraining order / you need protection.

Your parents/ family/ friends

Do not go back

Both you and your baby are in terrible danger, if you can get out safely or call the police from
the bathroom with your baby please do this

ChickenMom · 21/12/2017 22:56

Do you have anywhere else you can go? Family? Friends? When he leaves for work tomorrow pick your daughter up and leave. He sounds jealous and controlling.

SausageChipsAndCurrySauce · 21/12/2017 22:58

Hope you are DD are safe Sad

JorlyWood · 21/12/2017 23:03

You need to leave tomorrow but it doesn't need to be forever. You need to get out of that house for a few days at least and let him know what he did was completely unacceptable. If you let him off and let him feel in control of the situation things might escalate.

It sounds like you are both struggling since the birth of your baby but whether it was stress induced or just plain meanness he needs to know he can NEVER do anything like that again.

Please please leave tomorrow, if you can check yourself into a Travelodge that would do but if not then go to the police or a women's refuge. I really hope you can find the strength to do this, it is very difficult with pnd, I know.

I will be thinking of you OP.

bastardkitty · 21/12/2017 23:06

Please follow user's advice.

blue2014 · 21/12/2017 23:14

I'm really sorry, I'm not being confrontational but Jory - the OP does need to leave forever. It will escalate anyway. I've worked with too many abusers. I feel sick about what he has done. I don't mean to scare monger but I predict it's going to get a lot lot worse.

Get out safely as soon as you can OP Thanks

JaneEyre70 · 21/12/2017 23:16

Please try and talk to someone about this in real life. Your DH sounds a very aggressive and intimidating man who is jealous of a tiny baby that has had a rough start in life. You may not realise it, but you are walking on eggshells around his mood/behaviour and that isn't normal or right. He should be helping you and sharing the load, not raising his fist or standing over you. And certainly not stopping you from going to your baby. And don't for one second think you are to blame, you're not.

This isn't going to go away, or get better unless you deal with it. There are very few people in this world who would turn their backs on a scared mum with a tiny baby. Remember that.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2017 23:17

The anxiety will go very fast once this man is out of your lives as much as possible. He is abusive and he will get worse, not better.
Once he's gone to work tomorrow, call the police on 101, talk to the DV unit, let them know he was aggressive, threatened to hit you and stopped you getting to your DD. Call Women's Aid as well.
Is there somewhere you can go - your mum, a friend? Do you have access to enough money for a B&B, if not? It might be possible to get an emergency non-mol order to keep him out of the house if you haven't anywhere else to go (if you get the order and he tries to come back in, he will be spending Christmas in the cells.)

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