something bad just happened

[frozenbaubles]

My husband has just drew his hand back into a fist as if to punch me. He didn't, he moved away, but I am holding my 7 month old daughter. This has never happened before.

OP, when I left my exh I had no job, no money and no home. He wasn't abusive, I was just not happy. I moved in with my parents short term and applied for benefits. I saved for three months for a deposit to private rent a flat. You CAN claim housing benefit while you are married as long as you have proof of your new address, I did it. There's no shame to being on benefits. It's a struggle but you get by. My DS is at school now and I have a job.

I've just read your morning posts..I know you're scared and everyone posting on here feels your anxiety and is giving advice but we're not there with you, we don't know your life and you're probably feeling overwhelmed and keyboard advice is easy to give. You'll make your own decision and be confident in that and you won't be judged..well not by me anyway..who am I to give you life advice..I would wrap your little one up and get out of the house for a walk..just some thinking time. X

Nobody is claiming that this is easy or simple; we're just trying to reassure the OP that this is not something she has to put up with if she feels trapped and scared, and that she can leave and be free, even if it feels impossible at the moment.

When i had my youngest his dad quickly lost paitence with the crying etc.
He was never physically violent to me but his shouting and bad temper due to our baby crying was scary. I did all night feeds and stuff because i would hear him downstairs shouting at our newborn son.
He would also leave lids unfastned on medicine bottles etc. On one.occasion he gave calpol to my middle son (not his) who was 2 at the time. Not only did he leave the lid off, but also left the medicine within his reach overnight.
He made out he was doing a good deed given him medicine and i trusted him. The following morning the medicine was gone and the bottle was on the floor.
Many hours in hospital and my son going through lots of tests to make sure he hadnt overdosed was awful. Thankfully he was ok, but i was made out to be in the wrong for questioning him. By him.

My point is...it all sounds too familiar. Although my ex was not physically abusive. He was an expert at manipulation and top notch at gaslighting.
I found that so much more damaging than the physically abusive i was in years before him.

No, I appreciate that SilverDoe..I think all, mostly all, the advice given is heartfelt and stellar.

A normal loving man would not make your anxiety levels rise just by coming home from work; indeed, they would drop.

But he's not a normal loving man, is he? He makes you scared. No partner/husband/boyfriend worth his salt makes you feel scared. Your anxiety is telling you something. It's shouting at you really loudly. Listen to it.

I bet that once you're away from him, it becomes so much less that you barely notice it.

You don't want your not-very-well baby growing up scared. Take her out of it. You will find the details work themselves out.

If you were to call the police and report the threat and intimidation of last night, then you will have proof of his abusive nature which you can then use to get a non-molestation order, get him out of the house.

He will have to pay child maintenance, so you'll have that coming in, maybe some benefits like housing benefit. It all adds up. Maybe finances won't be quite so good, but you and dd will be free to make happy lives for yourselves.

At the very least, call Woman's Aid today, keep calling them, and see what they say.

How could I deprive my daughter of a father?

You will not be depriving her of a father, you will be getting her away from a situation where she could potentially be harmed. Once he's hurt her, either directly or indirectly, it will be too late to say: Oh, why didn't I leave earlier?

As for where will you go? When I left my ex I had only myself and young twins (28-weekers). I had no friends and no family. I saved up some money (hidden behind a book on the book case), got all papers together, contacted the Women's Refuge, found a flat, applied for Housing Benefit, and then told him the Thursday I was moving out on the Friday. And I left. And you know what - the instant I was out of there both me and my DTDs visibly relaxed. It was a bigger relief than you can ever imagine, and you can also experience it, the moment you're out of there. I survived, as did many of us on here, and you can too.

I've just read your morning posts..I know you're scared and everyone posting on here feels your anxiety and is giving advice but we're not there with you, we don't know your life and you're probably feeling overwhelmed and keyboard advice is easy to give. You'll make your own decision and be confident in that and you won't be judged..well not by me anyway..who am I to give you life advice..I would wrap your little one up and get out of the house for a walk..just some thinking time. X

I also am with you on this. Of course OP should leave but she's got to be ready and I hope if she's staying she will stay on this thread so we can support her.

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING SO DONT READ IF SENSITIVE

Op I am going to be brutally honest here.

You have said your h could do anything he wants to you through brute strength. As small and weak you are next to your h, your tiny baby is so much smaller and weaker! Everything you are saying points towards this awful man hating his own child. He is furious with her, he is abusing both of you. And as at risk of abuse you are, your tiny baby is at far more risk!

All it would take would be for him to shake your tiny baby and he could kill her! Can you imagine he tried to punch her? He is angry at your tiny, vulnerable baby girl! Please RUN, if not for your own sake then for your baby girls! Go straight to the local police station and tell them everything, tell them that you fear for your daughter and yourself!

Money is nothing, it is easily fixed, your h will have to pay child support, you may be entitled to housing benefit/ child tax credits/ ESA. Call woman's aid, they should be able to help and advise you! Housing, money, clothes, furniture these can all be replaced and fixed later! Babies are not replaceable, they don't fix as easy! So please, take any support you can find! Protect yourself and your tiny daughter! You are all she has in the world to keep her safe from your h's wrath! Protect her please! Protect yourself! Don't become another statistic or awful story in the newspaper!

anotheremma I work in homelessness. It is incrediblely rare for DA to merit priority need (rightly or wrongly....) It doesn't depend on the council, it's legislation. Op would be priority need with a dependent child IF she were to be found homeless. I'm sure you know there us a hugeneral housing shortage so sadly many councils are incredibly strict (ruthless) with homeless applications. Op would almost cerainy be offered refuge rather than temporary accommodation.

And honestly, being married to the man is totally irrelevant to any hb application she should make for separate accommodation. As long as she's not living with him, it really isn't taken into account.

Hi Frozen baubles. How are you getting on today? Has your baby had her jabs? Could you tell the nurse what happened? I've been thinking about you and I hope your ok.

Just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you. Like other posters, I'm scared for you both and want you to get out of there. Try not to worry about the long-term at the moment - if you have somewhere safe and peaceful for you both to stay, just go. Sort the money etc out later. If you're going to the surgery for jabs there will be someone there who can advise you. Or the police, Women's Aid, Citizens' Advice, a Foodbank, local church - there are so many people who will give you practical help.

You're not depriving her of a father, he is. He doesn't deserve either of you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Keep positing OP, let us support you.

Honestly I was the baby mums "deprived of a father" - it's been much much befter for me than her staying (honestly he would have killed her, without doubt, he was also much stronger)

Everything will figure itself out if you decide to leave. It will. You just have to be ready

You deserve so much better

How could I deprive my daughter of a father?

Frame it this way - "How could I deprive my daughter of an abuser?"

He nearly punched you while you were holding her. You think he is deliberately sabotaging her bottles today so that they spill on her. This man is more than happy to inconvenience/upset his baby to get at you. He doesn't consider what she will see or hear when he is angry. Put her first. Don't let him teach her what she deserves in a future partner, or you'll be watching the cycle repeat in a couple of decades.

Lovely, I don't mean to scare you (well, I do just a little), but depriving your DD of an (abusive) 'father' should be the last of your concerns. Rather, think of this....do you want to deprive your DD of her mother? Abuse escalates. This is a known fact. He has raised his fist to you. He has basically told you that you 'asked for it'. He got away with it, at least he thinks he did. And so he has learnt that fear and threats of violence is the way to control and silence you. He is not going to give up that power.

You say you have a lot of support. Use it. And remember that there are women who have left abusive homes with nothing but the clothes on their backs with no support at all and they've managed to rebuild their lives.

Hopefully your support system includes your parents, but if not, call one person that you trust to keep your confidence and to support and shelter you. Call them. Tell them. Silence brings denial. Speaking brings freedom. Remember "Tell the truth, and the truth shall set you free". It's true.

On a practical note, since you are a SAHM, see a solicitor a soon as possible. Your 'd'H will have financial responsibilities towards you and DD and a solicitor can give you the information you need about that. Do it quietly. Borrow the money if you have to.

Please put yourself and DD first. You are the most important things in all of this.

I am so upset reading this. You have had a premature baby which is so traumatic. I had a vey Premature sick little boy 5 years ago. The first 2 years was absolute hell. He never slept. Had so many issues. I had to take a career break as I couldn’t cope with the babies needs and multiple hospital appointments and try to hold my hectic job aswell. Having a premature baby puts such a strain on a couple. People don’t understand the effects it has. I also had crippling anxiety after our baby came home from hospital. The difference for me was that my husband has been a rock for me. He was so supportive in every way. He would encourage me to seek counselling. Look after me when I was surviving on no sleep. Try to give me time to myself whenever he could. I still got diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder despite all my husbands support. Don’t be criticism yourself. Do not underestimate what u have gond through and are still going through. People think u bring your baby home from the NICU and you’re out of the woods which couldn’t be further than the truth. You deserve to have your husbands love, empathy and support especially during this vulnerable time in your life. Although I don’t condone your husbands behavior do you think the trauma of your daughters premature birth could be affecting him badly too?

OP, I said very much earlier in the thread that I stayed and lived to regret it. When my DD was about 4 she said to me "Mummy when I grow up I'm going to be cross and sad like you".

Find a way out now. Maybe not this minute, but plan and think.

Been thinking of your OP, I hope you have made some steps to leave, as long as you have your DD with you everything else can be replaced x

Take care of yourself OP.

How has today been OP? Do keep posting and let us support you.

You ok frozen?

How has today gone frozen? There are so many people here who care about you and can support you x