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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

something bad just happened

247 replies

frozenbaubles · 21/12/2017 19:31

My husband has just drew his hand back into a fist as if to punch me. He didn't, he moved away, but I am holding my 7 month old daughter. This has never happened before.

OP posts:
user1485778793 · 21/12/2017 21:19

@criticalmass read the thread. He was shouting in her face..... that is threatening behaviour! And she was holding her baby.

Hope you've got out of there?

Fatso1978 · 21/12/2017 21:20

We don't know of she wasn't also shouting in his face too. If a woman came here and said she was shouting in a man's face and he pushed her, this site would still call the man the abuser. None of us were in that room during their fight. She could have also been shouting at him.

It is clearly a volatile situation and both need a breather before they sit down and have a proper serious talk.

But from what she has written I don't think she needs a police escort.

StaplesCorner · 21/12/2017 21:20

He was shouting in my face when I was holding the baby, so I pushed him away from me.

This. This is all you need to know.

Battleax · 21/12/2017 21:20

Fatso you're really not helping anyone here, are you?

jakscrakers · 21/12/2017 21:21

If you let this ride, next time it wont just be a raised fist, it will hit and hurt, get him out of there for the safety of both you and your child, ring the police, dont think lets sort this out between us, ring the police first get them to remove him, then and only then decide if and when you want to try to listen to his reasoning, bearing in mind his reasoning will probably be you took it to heart, you know he wouldnt hit you blah blah more crap blah ........... be safe x

user1485778793 · 21/12/2017 21:23

There will always be 'enablers' and there's a couple on this thread.

Hope your safe op?

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 21:24

I have experience of this. The abuse happened before the marriage and two and two wasn't put together. If you engage in a physical altercation wit your partner then you can expect some reaction - but in this case he saw through the 'red mist'. He controlled himself. He needs to know it must never ever happen again. But he should not be labeled a wife beater when he hasn't done it.

cathyclown · 21/12/2017 21:24

Some women can be abusive and volatile too. We kind of forget that.

As pp said if someone can post they are usually ok with help and assistance from our community. But OP hasn't been back for a while.

I hope that is a good sign, not a bad one.

GertrudeCB · 21/12/2017 21:25

He stopped her going to her crying baby. Of course she needs help. Unfortunately I've worn the t-shirt. Stop minimising Fatso

Original poster
frozenbaubles · 21/12/2017 21:26

Can I make it clear that I pushed him away because he was shouting in my face when I was holding my daughter.
I posted here while he went for a shower.
My daughter is in bed and I don't want to wake her, I don't feel in danger at this moment, this has never happened before.
I have fucking awful anxiety based around my daughter and I don't think he has the patience or understanding for it.
He is slowly but surely losing his patience with my daughter. She doesn't always settle well at night and has to be comforted and he doesn't like this.
When she woke up crying I went to settle her, and was pushed away and told you won't stop me from getting her. I only went to get her, like every time I do when I hear her cry.

We have spoke, he said something along the lines of I wanted him to punch me? I don't know what that means.

OP posts:
pollythedolly · 21/12/2017 21:26

Op are you ok???

Right, you pushed him, the first physical part. I'm telling you now DO NOT EVER EVER EVER let him or anyone else twist that back on to you....you have the right to your own space and the right to defend it. I'm sure this will at some point be a tactic used by him to justify raising his fist. It is not.

And this will get worse lovely. Please get out while you can Thanks

Fatso1978 · 21/12/2017 21:26

Battleax. I am entitled to my own opinion. I don't think the man behaved well. But I think the OP didn't behave well either. NO ONE SHOULD BE PHYSICAL TOWARDS ANYONE! That includes women pushing men even if they shout in their faces. She could have walked away.

It was clearly a situation which got out of control from both sides. They need a breather and when calm sit down and talk. Even get therapy if needed.

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 21:27

Seconded. Wholeheartedly.

pollythedolly · 21/12/2017 21:28

Cross posted with OP. He's doing it already from what you just said. Do not doubt yourself for a second.

Original poster
frozenbaubles · 21/12/2017 21:29

Fatso I couldn't have walked away. I was sitting on the couch winding my daughter and he was standing over me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2017 21:29

We have spoke, he said something along the lines of I wanted him to punch me? I don't know what that means.

It sounds like he’s playing horrible mind games to make him nearly punching you your fault.

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 21:30

TBH, hearing this, I think he is suffering from sleep deprivation which can be a REALLY BAD THING. Either send him to a b&b for a couple of nights or give him earplugs. Babies can be really horrid. But if he's got a 9am start then he needs to get some sleep and that's where maternity leave comes in. It's not a holiday.

PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2017 21:32

CriticalMass I can’t believe you’re excusing his behaviour. Ffs. Biscuit

pollythedolly · 21/12/2017 21:32

Frozen you did nothing wrong. Someone in your face aggressive like that whilst you're holding your baby? No. I'd have done exactly the same.

KendalMintCakey · 21/12/2017 21:32

Huge hugs and I've been there. Calling the police is the start of something good. Please please do it x x things will only get worse. I had a Marac convened :( but it was so so so worth it.

Original poster
frozenbaubles · 21/12/2017 21:32

Critical my daughter sleeps through. Doesn't get up till 7.30am. We go to bed at 9.00pm most nights. It's not sleep deprivation.

OP posts:
MNHQ
HebenotafraidMumsnet · 21/12/2017 21:34

Hi there, OP. We really hope you're ok. We don't want to make any assumptions on your behalf but thought we'd share a link to these contact details for domestic violence support just in case they might be of use - to you or to anyone else reading, now or in the future. All the best.

Brazenhussy0 · 21/12/2017 21:35

OP, I'm extremely concerned about the safety of both you and your daughter. Your DH is becoming dangerous and you need to leave before this escalates - for your daughter's sake. (I have a lot of experience with violent men and I really do think your daughter is at serious risk being near him. As are you.)
Do you have any male relatives or friends who can come and help you pack a bag and take you somewhere safe tonight?

And Fatso you need to shut the fuck up and back off. You have no idea what you are talking about and could potentially put a vulnerable woman at further risk just so you can push your own agenda.

April229 · 21/12/2017 21:35

OP I would leave when you can, it’s a big thing to say he won’t let you leave. That is a serious problem that is unlikely to get better and his behaviour toward your baby is really concerning. Appreciate you don’t want things to escalate tonight but I would contact womans aid or similar tomorrow for advice and get out to family or a friend - do you have anyone who can help?

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 21:36

I'm not excusing anything. He shouted at her. He DIDN'T hit her. Stop tagging every man as an abuser. He scared her. THAT needs discussed in a calmer environment, This is not, for sure, a marriage that is beyond saving. And that is pretty much what you are all advocating.