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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

something bad just happened

247 replies

frozenbaubles · 21/12/2017 19:31

My husband has just drew his hand back into a fist as if to punch me. He didn't, he moved away, but I am holding my 7 month old daughter. This has never happened before.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 21/12/2017 20:40

Jesus wept, that's terrifying. Especially the part where he wouldn't let you go to your baby when she cried.

Police, police, police. Get yourself and your baby out of there as soon as you can.

I hope you're ok, OP.

BubbaLips · 21/12/2017 20:41

hope ur ok op x

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 20:43

I don't want to be the odd one out but you have taken the time to post a message to mumsnet about your concerns, so I'm thinking the 'crisis' has passed. That gives you a little time. Has your DP EVER done anything like this before? If not, what is wrong? If yes, then grab baby and go.
If he's putting baby to bed etc, then reflect (as he probably is). This is a learning point. He didn't hit you - so his conditioning kicked in. Talk about it.
If you feel you need to move out then go for it. If you want to stay then he needs to talk about his feelings at that moment and get counselling.

molifly · 21/12/2017 20:44

The hope you're ok op x

FilledSoda · 21/12/2017 20:46

What is it about pregnancy and new babies that makes men fuckwits?
I've heard of this exact scenario so many times

RaindropsAndSparkles · 21/12/2017 20:47

Op's been away for 40 minutes. Hope she's OK.

colouringinagain · 21/12/2017 20:47

Hope you're OK. Def ring police. Take care.

ChippingInLovesTheApprentice · 21/12/2017 20:51

I don't want to be the odd one out but you have taken the time to post a message to mumsnet about your concerns, so I'm thinking the 'crisis' has passed. That gives you a little time. Has your DP EVER done anything like this before? If not, what is wrong? If yes, then grab baby and go.
If he's putting baby to bed etc, then reflect (as he probably is). This is a learning point. He didn't hit you - so his conditioning kicked in. Talk about it.
If you feel you need to move out then go for it. If you want to stay then he needs to talk about his feelings at that moment and get counselling

WTAF?

If you don’t want to be ‘the odd one out’ then don’t post such damaging, ridiculous shit. FFS.

The only thing I agree with is ‘this is a learning point’. Yes, she’s just learnt he isn’t who she thought he was and that he’s a violent and dangerous man.

We were arguing. He was shouting in my face when I was holding the baby, so I pushed him away from me. He grabbed me by the arm and drew his fist back. There's no way he will let me leave and take her with me. She's been put in her cot now in her room and she started crying through the baby monitor. I went to go and pick her up before he could get her and he pushed me away

READ what she wrote FFS.

user1485778793 · 21/12/2017 20:54

This man has made a threat to hit her while she is holding a baby @criticalmass are you stupid!

Cherrycokewinning · 21/12/2017 20:55

I understand what you mean criticalmass

Dustbunny1900 · 21/12/2017 20:55

Get this behavior in record. Trust me. You want his violence documented so you can better protect your daughter

Fatso1978 · 21/12/2017 21:01

I think he reacted to her being physical first. She pushed him first. I am not sticking up for him. His behaviour was horrendous, but both have been physical. Neither is the "victim".

Both of them should take a break from each other. It is obviously a volatile situation from both sides.

I agree with the other responder. If the OP had time to post on the internet, clearly the present danger is over because I sure as shit wouldn't be posting on the net if my life were in danger.

Hopefully they will calm down and be able to get a breather and talk about this so it doesn't happen again.

EssexMummy123456 · 21/12/2017 21:02

the police will escort you and baby to safety if you call them, even if you spend a couple of nights in a travel lodge where he won't think to look for you or please contact your nearest women's refuge for advice.

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 21:06

I get the knee jerk reaction - honestly.But he didn't hit her and it was a first ever. So something has triggered that reaction in him. Lack of sleep? Fear?
But this was a woman who until this moment, had No fear of her husband. Yes, absolutely, she needs to really search her mind/memory and look for controlling behaviours. Yes, she needs to be very wary. I'm NOT SAYING ALL IS WELL. He raised a hand to her but didn't follow through. He didn't hit her and spend the next week showing her how much he loved her. He realised, in time, that he was wrong, He showed controlling behaviours afterwards but nothing that would let her think he was ready to murder her while she slept - SO SHE HAS TIME TO THINK. I would say don't overreact. Leaving an abuser (and as at this point, he is NOT an abuser, from what we've been told) is most dangerous when you make the decision, so if she feels she MUST leave, then she can make proper plans. Not just call the police and go instantly. If he genuinely has never done anything like this before (I'm assuming a normal few years of dating, then year or so of engagement then marriage before sprog) then talk should be involved.

Stella60 · 21/12/2017 21:07

Phone the police. You are clearly in an unsafe situation. It can be very easy to "normalise" other people's behaviour as a means of denial. Please get help

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 21:08

Oh lord, thank heavens I am really not the only one who thinks this.

sweetsomethings · 21/12/2017 21:08

Op are you ok? Please come back when you can and please get out of there

PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2017 21:11

*I think he reacted to her being physical first. She pushed him first. I am not sticking up for him. His behaviour was horrendous, but both have been physical. Neither is the "victim".
He was shouting in her face. You clearly are sticking up for him or you wouldn’t have put victim in inverted commas.

CriticalMass · 21/12/2017 21:14

Thank you. It seems to me this guy is not acting normally and there is some hope of redemption. Of course she needs to be hyper alert but to storm out escorted by the police would seem extreme in the first instance.

MillennialFalcon · 21/12/2017 21:15

I really don't understand why people feel the need to justify or minimise this. If you don't care just scroll past. Does the potential harm you are doing in discouraging someone in danger from seeking help make you feel important or something? And someone might post on here because they need help processing what's happened and advice on what to do next and it's the only outlet they have because it won't make noise and draw attention from the abuser, unlike talking on the phone. Posting does not mean that they are not in danger.

Fatso1978 · 21/12/2017 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StaplesCorner · 21/12/2017 21:16

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me when I was also pregnant with DD2 holding DD1. I stayed. That was 15 years ago, and I have lived to regret it.

Please leave.

MillennialFalcon · 21/12/2017 21:17

Also, statistically abuse often starts after the birth of a child so saying it hasn't happened before doesn't actually mean anything. It certainly doesn't mean it won't happen again.

StaplesCorner · 21/12/2017 21:18

Fatso - yeah any normal man would do that eh? What a fucking hero.

15 years ago I wasn't on Mumsnet, but I would have loved to be able to tell someone and get advice and support like the OP can here. How the fuck are people like you posting on the relationships thread?

cathyclown · 21/12/2017 21:18

Mumsnet message for these episodes is required now with the usual support system numbers to contact. To alert others.

Christmas can be awful for some. It just seems to bring things to a head or something.

Hope OP is ok, has she been back yet?