Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Thank you for understanding offred.

I shouldnt be letting sandy get to me.

Sandy, in a normal loving family, somebody wouldn't be breaking the bones of a 7 week old baby, and somebody wouldn't be covering it up. So the situation isn't transferable.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear that it's causing these problems with your OH. Both your positions are entirely understandable - you've lost your family, you need to talk to the people closest to you for support. From OH's perspective, his partners family have undermined and attacked him, and rejected and hurt her, and it's frustrating that she won't just turn her back on them. Both are valid - but they are really incompatible aren't they!

Please do what you can to preserve your good relationship, and not let the toxicity into your small family unit. It's great that you were able to talk to your friend. Does OH have anyone to talk to? Could you both agree something like to not talk about it, or certain days where you don't talk about it, or to not say certain things that most upset the other? Or a session where one will talk about their feelings and the other doesn't try to correct or put their own feelings in? Something, some guidelines to try and protect yourselves.

And yes it really does sound like you both need some space to feel safe and rage, or express how traumatic you find your loss, and it just sounds so painful for the other one to hear right now :(

Thank you Panna.

Yeah OH has told some of his family so he can talk to them. (Much to my parents disgust)

It is best that we dont talk about it to each other and we try not to. But some days im so down and i cant hide it from him so we end up discussing it and often arguing about it.

I don't think your dh sounds domineering at all. If my SIL and BIL ended up with a baby who had their ribs broken twice, then I'd be questioning the hell out of it. And my child wouldn't be seeing them, no way. And if my PIL decided to side with the probable child abusers, then they'd be cut out too. I wouldn't hesitate for even a second.

I'd say the same for my own family. And I love them very much.

You just can not have child abusers or minimisers in your life, and especially not around your child. I'm aware nothing has been proved, but really, that child did not break their ribs twice by themselves.

I'm shocked your parents weren't questioning even when it came to the dog tbh. They seem wilfully unaware and I find that hugely strange. Why are they so keen to believe everything good of your BIL when they have two stark instances proving the contrary, whereas your OH is public enemy number 1 for simply questioning the events?

Are you sure your family dynamics have been as healthy as you think they are? It sounds as though there's been something toxic in the background for a very long time.

I'm so sad/worried about this. Im worried about them hating me and OH. But i dont know why im worried about it?

our mum and dad are central to our lives. it's -never- easy to be separated from them by events. I think that both bereavement by death and bereavement by alienation are both extremely painful to live with in different ways.

Of course you are worried about it. You love them deeply and you are kinda losing them while they are still alive. It's their choice that has led you and your husband to have to take certain decisions, but it's still a loss of beloved family members.

Could your husband maybe go to a -skilled- counselling session once? it might help him know how to support you. His decision about your child is absolutely the right one but it would help if he knew how to support you without it getting into a conflict situation.

It came back to me too that this decision didnt come out of the blue. You said a couple of times at the start of the thread that you both felt your sister had be extremely selfish for a long time?

Would you really choose seeing your sister (who has turned a blind eye to her OH harming her child) over the family unit ud built with ur OH?

You see my problem is I don't believe my sister would ever turn a blind eye to abuse. So if she told me she didn't abuse her child I would 100% believe her.
I know that if she had suspicions her DH did it she'd tell me....

If my DH decided me seeing my sister, was the end of our marriage under these circumstances, then so be it.

I suppose I've been in situations that I can count on my sister more than my DH. My family is different...we're extremely close...so maybe not comparable with most regular families.

I would want conclusive proof they had harmed the baby. I recall seeing a true story about a woman who was accused of poisoning her baby.

He was removed from her, but sadly he died and she was convicted and jailed. While in prison she discovered she was pregnant...she had the baby and he was showing the same symptoms as her first child.

Except she had no unsupervised contact with him...so they knew something else was wrong. After lots of tests...they found out he had some medical condition...as did his brother before him.

Only then was she released. Had she never fallen pregnant...nobody would have ever have believed her. She was a convicted felon.

The science had apparently convicted her. The poisin they say she added to his formula, was something his own body produced.

Everybody believed she killed her baby.

Except it was wrong. Ever since I saw that I'm weary of believing guilt in all cases of harm to infants.

I'm not setting out to upset you, but that seems to be the result. I'm not that type of person and I'm someone who actually gives extra time to support members here, however, its evident my comments are upsetting you. You have enough upset at the moment, so I'll stop posting on your thread.

Good luck.

Oh, OP. You are in a horrible situation. But do you know what? You and your DH are both right, and you're both struggling.

You're right that it's awful to be alienated from your family for trying to do the right thing. You're right that it's all terribly upsetting. You're right to miss your previously close relationships, and to feel lonely without them. You're right to grieve for what has been lost.

Your DH is right to insist that your daughter is kept away from people who might expose her to harm.

Your parents are behaving very badly in insisting your sister and her partner can't have done anything wrong. It's easier for them than accepting that one or both of them have abused their tiny baby. But it's making things worse, not better, because denying bad things happened and trying to cover them up never helps. Drag bad things out into the light. It kills them off.

Perhaps if you try talking to your DH and saying, "I know my family have behaved abominably, and I do not support their behaviour at all, but I am so sad that it's come to this and I miss having their company." Acknowledge that he's completely right in wanting to protect your daughter. Tell him she's your priority and of course you're not going to put her in danger. But ask him to understand that you're sad and struggling, and could do with some support from him in this regard.

It's awful. But the worst thing is that it's causing problems in your marriage.

IMO it makes no sense to require conclusive proof there had been child abuse but be convinced your sister wouldn’t hurt a baby based on just ‘knowing’ she wouldn’t.

This is exactly how children are put in danger, this exact mechanism where relatives don’t want to think about how anyone they love ‘could’ hurt their child, how you never really truly know what others are capable of and you are blind to people you have history with, how good people can do bad things and that you would want to be really sure someone had hurt their child before you considered protecting your child from them.

Beyond a reasonable doubt is the standard of proof required for criminal conviction. Where safeguarding is concerned you are better to go with ‘better safe than sorry’. If you don’t do this then IMO what you are doing is putting your selfish feelings about losing/damaging a relationship that is important to you over you child’s safety.

It is extremely hard to put the child first but it is what should happen IMO.

I also find it sad that you say you can count on your sister more than your DH. Not sure I’d still be married if that were the case for me.

I know that if she had suspicions her DH did it she'd tell me....

And if she did, yet still stood by him?

My sister has vaguely alluded to her belief that it was him, but thinks he did it by accident/didnt know he had done it.

If you research broken ribs in babies then its aparant that excessive force is required. Therefore theres no way u wouldnt know. Plus the added suspicions with the dog.

You dont have to leave the thread sandy, im just overly sensitive just now.

Sandy .... this baby was 7 weeks old
It had broken ribs
Twice

Someone did this.
With force. And is now saying they didn't
And the rest of the family are brushing it under the carpet

Theres nothing to disbelieve. The tiny baby had its bones broken.
Twice.

Op I think theres so much going in your family that I would leave them to it and focus on my dh and own child

The fact your family are sticking by the bil and sis (under whose care a child was purposefully injured), yet they are quick to turn on you and your dh? I feel sorry for your dh.
And you of course being torn in two.

The funeral is tomorrow and im in turmoil over what to do.

I want to pass on my condolances to my aunt and uncle. But they will be sitting with my parents and sister. And then at the end of the service im sure they will do the traditional standing at the door so mourners can speak to them.

I had planned on walking in last minute and leaving before family after the service.

But should i be giving my dad a hug? After all it is his mums funeral?

Im so unsure. Anyone any advice?

I also have no idea what, if anything, my dad has said to my uncle. Will he be expecting me to be with them and shocked that im at the back and not at the wake?

This is just beyond awful

I'd go with your original plan. Funeral's are stressful enough anyway. Don't get drawn in, just go and pay your respects and leave.

So speak to no one?

Lilsquish none of us can tell you what to do. Just do what feels right tomorrow. Who knows what is right or how things will go. Just go with what feels right at the time xx

I know. Im just constantly doubting myself.

Just seems no matter what i do im in the wrong in someones eyes.

Not a position i like. Being a terrible people pleaser, to the extent that i put myself out to make others happy, this us really hard.

Il post up with how it goes tomorrow.

Im not religious, but iv been saying a lot if prayers this last few months.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my ramblings and putting your thoughts down for me.

I truely appreciate it.

Hmm, yes play it by ear, but in your shoes I'd want a bit of a plan to reduce my anxiety.

If you'd normally say a few words to your aunt and uncle, I'd still do that. My logic would be 'what's the customary thing in the circumstances'.

I wouldn't be hugging my dad, because we are not currently on hugging terms and I'd want to be consistent to my current reality. Maybe a similar 'sorry for your loss'.

I would probably leave pretty quickly.

This is just what I would do, given what I know of your situation. And yes adjust to what I read in the room when I was there.

What do you think would be best for you? Would having a loose plan work?

Really good luck, you can get through this

What are your worst fears about what someone would think of you? Who?

Worst fears are my family thinking that im an awful person for not 'being there' for my dad.

@Lilsquish I am in a similar situation to you, parents are pretty much NC with me, dh and our young dc due to an issue with a sibling. My grandmother (dfs mum) died last year and I was torn about what to do at the funeral. I eventually went with taking the moral high ground, approaching them, saying I was sorry for their loss. They were polite, we had a short conversation, how she would be missed type of thing.
Although I am sure at that point that quite a few other family members were aware of what was going on, no one mentioned it. It was a couple of hours celebrating the life of gma. I had prepared myself for a scene and there was none. I hope that tomorrow goes just as calmly and smoothly for you

Thank you Onestep.

Sorry to hear u are in a similar position. Horrible isnt it?

I think id feel better about doing that if my OH was going to be with me. I truely dont think there will be any scene, my family are not like that. if there was any hint of it tho id be out of there as fast as possible.

It is, I think about it most days.
I have generally gone past the point of caring about how it affects me, it's more how could they do it to DC. Luckily they live far enough away to have not seen DC regularly before this and DC are all young (under 5) and don't seem to notice!
You will get through tomorrow, you have the strength and know that where you are coming from is right.

Meant to also say, feel free to DM me if it would help

Can i ask how long its been onestep?

It consumes most of my thoughts at the moment and has for 18 months. Im exhausted with it all.

Do you feel better now, even though you still think about it often?

My wee girl is only 13 months so has no idea whats she has missed out on too. Just her mummy and daddy that are suffering thankfully not her .

Just coming up to a year, they have only met my youngest dc (similar age to yours) once. I definitely feel better about it now, however I feel this is because I didn't see them very often anyway.
I find it hard around special occasions as they still send cards and gifts, especially to DC.

I do think about whether I should approach them and try to resolve the situation. The main thing that is holding me back is that if they can so easily cut contact with me and subsequently DC, what is to stop them doing it again in the future? I have been lucky this time that it has had minimal impact on them, however I know it will be different when they are older and I cannot risk putting them through it again and again.