Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

I know that deep down.

Just hard sometimes when the people i grew up with, loved and respected - disagree. And disagree to the extent that they are willing to cut me and their granddaughter out their life.

Hopefully at some point you will come to see that by cutting you out they have done you and DD a favour.

The impact of being closely involved with all this could be really bad for your DD particularly.

They are not capable of adding anything good to DD’s life if they feel appearing to be a perfect family is more important than safeguarding a tiny baby from serious physical abuse.

I know offred. Its disgusting behaviour.

Iv not heard anything bout funeral or anything at all.

Looks like they might be going down the route of hoping i wont go.

Thats the best option for them, that way the pretence to the rest of the family continues

RTWT. I'm very sorry you are going through all this.

You have had some good advice. Can I reiterate the suggestion that you try another counsellor/therapist. You should try to help yourself as much as possible. For yourself, and for your lg.

Can I also reiterate the suggestion that you try to find some words that reassures your OH that while you can't help wishing for a relationship with your family because you love them despite their flaws (a kind of unconditional love that you wish extended to you), you aren't saying that your DD has to be part of that relationship. He will need to trust you in order to believe that you won't allow your family access to DD. You need to earn his trust and keep it.

I think you need to give up the wish for your DM and your DD to have a close relationship (supervised or unsupervised). It comes with way too many costs to your relationship with OH. It is also risky for your DD (if unsupervised). Neither your DD nor your DM needs the relationship you wish for them. You have a deep wish for it; but you don't need them to have that relationship either. Let it go. You might then be able to rebuild some arms length bridges with your family, and earn and keep OH's trust. It might reduce your feelings of loss to be able to have an arms length relationship with your family.

I imagine your family might quiz you about why DD doesn't accompany you. Perhaps you could put it in terms of you and OH have agreed to respect each others strongly held views because you are both DD's parents. His strongly held view is that unless and until DN's injuries are explained as not being caused by BiL then OH does not want DD to have contact with people who have regular contact with BiL - a precautionary approach. You also ask you family to not cut you out for the reason that DD has a protective DF, and/or for the reason that you and OH have a strong enough relationship to respect each other.

I think it might also help to accept that your DPs and DSis have decided to trust BiL. Try to accept that you are not going to agree about whether or not he can be trusted; and see if there is some way to have a relationships (arms length maybe) notwithstanding this. The thing is - the evidence is not conclusive - there is some uncertainty about what sort of risk DBiL poses to the safety/welfare of DN or any other small child. Your family is taking the view that the uncertainty means he is probably not a problem. The authorities are taking the view that he might be unsafe, and they need to go through a process to decide. That is their prerogative. You don't have to take the same view as either your family or the authorities, but you don't have to hate your for family for taking a different view. Your OH can also take a different view from you, your family and the authorities - and not hate you, or them (his feelings of hatred are probably a misplaced way of trying to protect you or your DD from what he sees as a threat). It's normal for people to interpret the magnitude of risk very differently and to respond differently. There are lots of factors that influence people's reactions to and interpretation of risk.

I hope you find some peace of mind. And that your relationship with OH and DD stays strong notwithstanding the turmoil you are faced with.

Sorry to hear about your gran. You don't have to stand/sit with your estranged family and you don't have to go to the wake either. Make sure you greet your uncle warmly, steer conversation towards your gran, your uncle's life abroad/his family and your daughter.

If anyone has anything to say about you not being at the wake, leave those awkward conversations for your family to deal with at the wake. If you're not there, it won't concern you and who cares what they think anyway? If you're asked before you leave, say you need to get back to DD. Don't hang around.

Pay your respects and leave.

Good luck.

Thank you Mrs.

I will post with how it goes on the day.

It certainly helps to 'talk' on here

Thank you for the advice Freda.

Can i ask, why do you think i shouldnt have dd around my mum?

I have just read all this OP, and the thing that really strikes me is that your OH has made all sorts of reactions and demands - lie detectors (really not a pleasant or rational thing to demand btw. It would make a good storyline in a film but in real life it would make fuck all difference) and that your child does not see your family.

OK, that is his opinion, and he may well be right about it all (not the lie detector). But YOU are really suffering a breach with your family that does not seem to be YOUR choice at all. It is your DH's.

So your sis is in a sad and probably abusive relationship. Well, so are many posters on this board. People in this position need support. We know that your OH is filled with anger and disgust and all that stuff, and he wants nothing to do with them. He can be like this - it isn't his mother or his sister. But what do you want your relationship with your sister and parents to be?

What if your sister cannot find it in herself to leave her baby abusing husband? Because she is in denial, because she has had her head fucked by him - whatever. This is why the lie detector idea would make not one bit of difference. Life doesn't change even with the result. If her DH did it then for sure she knows anyway. A lie detector won't magically change their relationship. Frankly she needs help not dramatic posturing.

Your sister is still your sister. Your mother is your mother. You can still see them, perhaps explain how it all looks from your point of view. You don't have to put your baby in any danger at all. Does your DH not trust you to keep your baby safe if you visit? Their dysfunction does not threaten you or your baby.

I suppose what I am asking is - is it possible that you or your DH are mistaking your parents supporting your sister for them condoning what has happened? That your sister is in denial - well, read any thread on the relationship board. It is unfortunately completely usual in an abusive relationship. There probably could be no abuse without denial. It isn't at all done on purpose.

I cannot tell you how much damage has been done to people by other people saying things like ‘but it’s your mother’.

I would also like to offer a word of caution; nobody knows whether it was BIL or DSIS who harmed the baby. I would not make an assumption. It is probably more likely to be BIL but it isn’t known. It isn’t know precisely because everyone is covering it up.

The issue is not whether any of them are intending to cover up the abuse. The issue is that they are covering up the abuse. Abuse that happened at least twice and that twice has resulted in serious harm being done to a baby in just seven weeks of him being alive.

Not to mention that as an adult she finds their manipulative behaviour and gaslighting difficult and confusing and she suspects they are actually lying to SC about her nephew being supervised by them.

They both suggested the lie detector, he didn’t demand it. And yes, the OP can choose what relationship she has with her family but he isn’t wrong for believing that they all represent a risk to DC or for wanting to make sure the OP doesn’t get caught up in their toxicity which has a negative effect on their marriage.

I’m sorry for the loss of your gran OP. I agree with previous posters that you should go to the funeral with your OH and avoid your DSis and Bil as much as you can. Personally if your uncle asks why you aren’t talking to them I would tell the truth but it might make relationships more strained.

Offred is right. In fact, hard as it is, this is the only thing you need to know.

DH and I are where you are (with a few adjustments) and it has been over a year before we can now discuss the being cut out without it causing us terrible immediate signs and symptoms. It will take a while but the important thing is to be dignified, don't lie to others that ask you what happened and really look after yourself.

Their behaviour is utterly disgusting OP and that is why Offred is correct.

Just to reiterate, I agree that it is absolutely right that your DD does not see any of them.

Between them, someone has seriously damaged a small baby (and it is utterly heartbreaking to think about that poor 7 week old baby being hurt so much his ribs broke). And the rest are either covering up what they know, or deciding his physical integrity and emotional well-being really aren't that important actually.

These are not people to have in your daughters life. At the very best, she'll grow up thinking that it's kind of ok really to overlook massive harm and abuse. You surely do not want that for her. At worst she'll be physically harmed herself. In between, she'll get drawn into power struggles about why you are mean to not let her stay over, or are unkind about grandma, or think bad thoughts about auntie.

I think you are doing really well actually, over the course of this thread, in adjusting to this new normal. It's tragic in so many ways. Losing your family, especially in the context of a revelation that you just didn't see coming, you thought they were close and loving, is so so painful.

I said it before and I'll say it again, if you do go for more counselling, do consider someone with experience in loss or bereavement, as I think this is closest to what you are going through.

The biggest problem with your daughter's grandparents is that you know they are not reliable. The situation you are in is extreme, but you know now that should you step out of line they will distance themselves and pressure you. Their love is conditional on your 'good' behaviour.

That'd hurt your daughter very much if they were a big part of her life and then something else happens and they back off. She would suffer.

OK panna, but her family are the ones who have cut off contact with her because her and her OH have said they can’t see her DD.

Just to re-iterate.

My OH and i have NEVER said my parents couldnt see my Dd.

Its just my sis and bil

We have actively encouraged my parents to have a relationship with her, but its THEM who havent done so.

It looks like they cant get past my sister not seeing my DD.

Whilst i wouldnt trust my parents to babysit at their house (i wouldnt be confident that they wouldnt allow sis and bil access)

Im 100% happy for them to see her with me there and even babysit at my house if they wanted!

Its their choice that they havent seen her.

Sharon-

Id be interested to hear your story if you wouldnt mind sharing with me?

Im not sure how to pm tho

Thank you for the advice Freda. Can i ask, why do you think i shouldnt have dd around my mum?

There were a couple of reasons.

I thought you said upthread that your OH didn't want DD to have anything to do with your family. That he was so angry and concerned by their behaviour - not only BiL who he thinks probably abused DN but also DSis and your parents who he thinks are covering up.

Also it sounds like, if you rebuilt a relationship with your parents, you might be persuaded or coerced by them to leave DD in their care. There could be a lot of pressure from them. And your OH might think that their pressure could be impossible to resist.

In other words - if you re-build a relationship with your parents (a decision which you should be entitled to make), he has good reason to think that he can't trust DD to be safe if she is part of that relationship.

You and other pp might think that he is being too careful; and too bossy about what happens to DD given that you have as much right to make decisions like that as he does. If you separate you would have that choice. But the point is that if you want his trust and to be in a relationship with him, I think you need to agree - at least for the time being - to leave DD out of any relationship you try to re-build with them. It seems a reasonable request on his behalf given what has happened, and the way that your parents and DSis seem to be minimising what happened to DN.

You may find your family gives you an ultimatum - no relationship with us, unless you bring your child with you. We can't accept you if you won't trust us and your sister around your child. Or words to that effect. Unfortunately you may well be in a situation where you do have to choose between your relationship with OH or your relationship with your family. Unfortunately it is impossible to control other people (your OH, your parents, your sister), and they can put you in very difficult situations. You'll just have to choose based on you and your DD.

By the way, it's somewhat understandable that your parents are supporting your DSis. Nobody knows for sure what happened to DN. It sounds like your parents have decided to love and support your DSis unconditionally. Including supporting her despite her choosing to stay in a relationship with BiL, and either DSis of BiL perpetrating abuse on a tiny, defenceless child not once but twice. It sounds awful in some ways that your parents are doing that, but in another way it sounds like unconditional love from a parent to a child.

Sadly, they are finding it difficult to love both you and your DSis in an unconditional way. It may be that they favour her; or it may be that they think/feel that she needs their unconditional support more than you. And you know what - they might be right about her needing their support more than you. You seem to have made a good choice of partner; she seems to have made poor choices. But I agree that its awful that you are made to feel second best or last in their affection, and have the pain of losing your family. It would be better if your parents could at least love you in some unconditional way - e.g. supporting and loving you, without insisting that you allow your DSis access to your child. Maybe you could ask them not to impose such a condition on you? - you are after all their child. I have no idea whether they will re-think -- they may not be able to reflect objectively about how they are treating you and your sister.

Thanks Freda.

Its my sister that he doesnt want around daughter as he thinks she is covering it up.

Just wish i had a crystal ball or could fast forward to next year when hopefully this will all be over :'-(

She is either covering it up or has done it.

I think re your DPs it is their choice to cut you and DD out. They could respect and understand your and your OH’s feelings are different to their feelings but they have chosen, in reality, that having you comply with their way of thinking and feeling is more important than having a relationship with you and DD.

I seriously doubt therefore that their motivation in this has anything to do with support or love for DSIS. It is about controlling how people see them.

I’ll love my DC unconditionally but if this was my DC and grandchildren there is no way I would consider handling it how they have because what they are giving DSIS and DGS is not support, it’s enabling, and what they are doing to you and DD is controlling.

The reason they have cut you off is because they want you to back down and play ball with the pretence that ‘no-one knows what happened to the baby, it certainly wasn’t DSIS/BIL’

I'm aware that it's your parents who have cut off contact with you and your daughter, as punishment for not wanting your daughter to have contact with your sister and BIL.

Do you definitely want your parents to have contact with your daughter? I suppose if the expectation is that this will all be resolved in a years time, then there no reason not to.

There is a fairly strong chance it won't be resolved in a year though, I fear. So the concern about pressure on her to change your mind would exist - but I suppose you could review at that point? It might be much harder and sadder to withdraw her from a relationship that she has built, than holding off until the situation stabilises and you can see what the medium term picture will look like.

This doesn't preclude you seeing them, or your daughter seeing them once she's an adult and can understand and make up her own mind. But I understand that they are choosing to punish you for making your choices. That is their right, and it is upsetting you very much, so it is having some of the effect they want (even if it isn't changing your mind).

I just think it might be easier for you if you begin to try and separate from them in your mind, redefine your family unit. Rather than holding out hope that things can go back to how they were. It's a slow and painful process, and I'm very sorry it's happening at all.

So my dad has text with the funeral details.

And added in that my OH has not to attend. And that he hopes OH respects his wishes

Well, you’ve got the details so that’s one hurdle.

Now you have a choice by asking OH to come even though you’ve been asked not to bring him, neither of you going or just going on your own as requested.

*between

Because you have said before that they will start putting pressure on you, could you take another savvy, clued in and determined friend with you? Alternatively just text and say that you want him there.

Its possible they might try to make any relationship with you dependent on him being excluded which would be a very manipulative thing to do of them. If they do this, I do think you should choose for your husband.