Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Iv replied and said he will respect their wishes.

However, iv asked what reason iv to give as to why he isnt there.

No reply......

They will be expecting me to go and sit with them and pretend everything is ok. Just what planet are they on???

After the way iv been treated, how can they think il do what they want.

Prob coz they know im weak, and a people pleaser, and desperate to salvage something.......

But im not going to fall into this trap. Theyve treated me, my OH and my daughter too badly now. Its went too far.

I do think that you should take someone with you lil. You know you are vulnerable to their pressure and it's such a painful situation. Have you got a very good sassy friend who could go with you?

My OH aunt has offered to come. But iv declined. I just want to go, get through it and leave.

Ive commented and watched from the beginning please take someone with you. When FIL passed, DH's sister thought she could get away with just taking my baby, she picked her up and took her to pass around and play the amazing aunt. This was the baby she threatened to kill a year beforehand and had been sit out of our lives since. My point is they think you'll play happy families if you have support you'll not bow down.

Thats awful mimsy! Why did she threaten to kill your child?

Iv had another horrible day arguing with OH about all this.

I wish i was strong enough to just think 'stuff them' but they just get into my head.

I know im having serious issues with all this.

I'm sorry it is so hard. What was the argument with DH about? Are you planning to take DD to the funeral or would she stay with DH?

Don't take anyone with you. Just go alone. You don't need to give an excuse for your OH...but you can day he's with your DD.

Families are different, but even if my Dsis was in the situation your sis is in... nothing would make me not allow her to see my DD in my presence, in the scenario you have and it's not your OHs place to demand polygraphs. I'd be well pissed off with that tbh.
Absolutely nothing

It's just that you describe such a close family growing up and I know my Dsis would never ever harm any of her DC...so even with such an incident...I would always trust her.

I also think it's normal for your family not to want to tell all about it. Why would they? You're being quite unrealistic there tbh and asking ypur dad what reason to give for you OH not being there was unnecessary. It's not helping the situation.

Where does it say the OP’s OH demanded a polygraph? It says they both asked for one....

Also - your sister and your relationship and understanding re what your sister may or may not do is totally irrelevant here unless you are saying that in every case one should never act on safeguarding concerns re a sibling purely on the basis of the sibling relationship trumping anything else.

If so, I think that is really worrying TBH.

Safeguarding comes first, family relationships second.

I haven’t read anything at all describing being ‘so close growing up’. I’ve seen where OP says she has felt for a long time that her parents prefer her sister and that she isn’t good enough in comparison.

I presume he OP asked how she should explain OH absence in order to get the lay of the land re the degree of pretence that is going to be expected.

I also think there is a MASSIVE difference between not wanting to ‘tell all’ and actively covering things up to the extent the OP is concerned her parents are lying to SC.

Im just going myself panna. OH is going to wait outside in the car with my LG. (Out of sight)

Argument was just the usual. Me being upset about how theyre treating me and OH not understanding why I dont hate them and annoyed that im not standing up for him.

Sandy-

Yeah i 100% dont think my sis harmed her son. However i think she is in denial.

Nobody demanded a lie detector. It was suggested as a way to determine whether this was an accident (twice).

If they are so adament that neither of them did it - or that one of them did it but dont know- whats the problem sitting one?

If it was me, id want to do it, firstly, to prove to my OH that i hadnt harmed my child and secondly to shove it in the faces of my sister who was doubting me and OH!

Offred is right-where do you draw the line with family? Every bad person had family. Should people just overlook stuff because of that? You sound like my mother......

Yeah, ultimately id like my sister to see my LG. But that wasnt good enough for her and my parents. They wanted everything to continue as if none if this was happening. The lies, covering up and down right disgusting behaviour that has went along with it is apauling.

What exactly is my choice here? Side with my family (whose only concern appears to be hiding this from everyone) and lose my OH and child? Thats the choice i had to face.

Im pretty sure if you faced thay same choice, you wouldnt be siding with ur sister.

Yip offred, iv asked what iv to say as iv no idea what route theyre going down.

Are they telling uncle the truth?
Are they telling uncle half the truth?
Are they saying my OH is an arsehole who is stopping them from seeing me and LG for some made up reason?
Are they saying OH couldnt get away from work?
Etc etc

I dont understand why sandy thinks i shouldnt tell anyone whats going on?

This has been 18months of my life. Ruined. Iv told one person. My OH has told a handful if family members. We needed support. We needed advice.

How long can we realistically keep this quiet. And to be honest why the fuck should i lie anymore for them??

Theyve done nothing but treat me, my OH and my daughter like a piece of crap. All because we questioned how a 7 week old baby came to have his ribs broken in twice under the care of two people who were openly not coping with him.

lil, don't let one poster get to you who can't quite see that what works in her family doesn't work in yours.

Weigh up what people have said on here, take what's valuable from the advice and decide what's right for you and your own family, including ofc your OH and child, and let the other stuff go. No one on here actually knows you first hand.

Tell your uncle what has happened why should you feel guilt or worry what other people think. You need to shine your spine and focus on your family which is you, your DH & your dd. Get some therapy because you need to deal with this and fast or it will ruin your marriage.

Your parents have made their choice, time for you to take control back in your life.

And dont feel guilty about it either!

SEF

I know. Its just that everything theyve said is exactly what i keep worrying about. What if i am wrong in my decisions? But i honestly dont have a choice.

Id lose my daughter. She is my life. If i picked my family id resent them something awful for destroying my marriage and taking me away from 100% time with my daughter.

My OH and i have had a really great relationship for the past 8 years. We had a blip around 5 years in, but since then we have been great. Up until this. This has destroyed us. Im not the same person anymore. Neither is he.

We had such lovely plans for the future, such dreams. I now feel they are all destroyed.

All i wanted was to keep my family together. The only way i could see to do that was with the lie detector. Im sorry if people think that was nasty or stupid.

But i had nothing else.

I just want the truth. Id give away my house, all my possessions. My health. Just to get the truth and have this sorted out :'-(

Thank you BunBun.

It is destroying my marriage.

Its destroyed my life.

Keep talking to your husband, lil. Keep the lines of communication open.

You really need outside help at the moment, love, to stop you drowning.

I feel like i am losing the battle SEF.

I talked to my best friend last night and it did help though.

I suppose its even more raw just now as this funeral is looming and im sick at the thought of it.

Plus i think this is the first time that my parents are deliberately ignoring me.

Im so sad/worried about this. Im worried about them hating me and OH. But i dont know why im worried about it?

I know i need help.

I think il end of having some form of breakdown.

Have you thought about maybe suggesting that he gets a little bit of support re understanding and supporting you to deal with this?

He’s probably just as lost as you re what to do and it seems like he is getting frustrated and being angry at you for want are actually very understandable feelings and perhaps forgetting that what you are actually doing is consistent with what he feels should happen most of the time.

It is going to make it miserable if he gets angry and frustrated with you and just add to your fragility but he may lack the skills to be able to know what to do and the understanding to be able to see how much progress you are making.

If you think telling the wider family is going to help then go ahead. I really don't think it will. You'll just get further pushed out by your FOO (family of origin).

What business of theirs is it really. How is 'this truth' affecting the extended family? Or is it yourself you're concerned about here?

I think you need to examine why you want to tell people...and my feeling is that it's to get them on your side. Nothing to do with helping the situation your Dsis is in.

If you want support, then maybe think about counselling. You'll be able to talk it through with a professional.

Im pretty sure if you faced thay same choice, you wouldnt be siding with ur sister.

I can always count on my family...my DH could never stop me (or my DC) seeing my Dsis no matter what. He wouldn't even try it. I may not side with her, but I wouldn't lose contact with her because of him.

Same as I'd never stop him seeing his family no matter what.

The reason I'm saying some of these things...is that this clearly bothers you. If not you'd go NC with the lot of them and say stuff it.

Don't do things are not going to help the situation for yourself.

I saw another pp refer to a demanding the poly.... demand or not I wouldn't want it if I was your Dsis.

If SS requested it ...then maybe ... but not my Sister and BIL. They're not reliable.

At the end of the day ...they don't have to do what you ask...and it's you who is suffering from being isolated...not them.

It's sad that your parents have chosen not to see your DD... even with a dispute...mine wouldn't do this.

It does come across that your OH is dominating you though. That's how I perceive it anyway.

Maybe I'm judging this on how close my family is and that's influencing my comments. My DH cannot come between us.

The reason I'm saying some of these things...is that this clearly bothers you. If not you'd go NC with the lot of them and say stuff it.

Of course it bothers her! It would bother anybody, it’s really fucking hurtful and confusing how they are behaving. The fact it bothers lil says absolutely nothing about whether her family are good or bad people, whether they are behaving lovingly or abusively. It bothers her simply because it is her family.

I cant imagine anyone normal and healthy would just be able to straight away go NC and not be bothered in response to this stuff!

Even in response to worse stuff than this TBH.

People who have been sexually abused by relatives in childhood (the very worst harm a relative can commit) commonly struggle to make the decision to go NC, are very upset about giving up on fixing things etc

People frequently take decades to come out of the FOG enough to even consider NC...

I think that comment betrays a really crappy understanding of what is a normal reaction re family dysfunction.

Yeah my OH cant physically stop me taking my LG to see her. But it would be the end of my marriage if i did.

Would you really choose seeing your sister (who has turned a blind eye to her OH harming her child) over the family unit ud built with ur OH?

Effectively tear ur childrens parents apart because of their aunts poor decisions?

Broken ribs? In a baby?
This is the stuff we read about in newspapers like baby p
And your family are playing cover up?
Someone seriously injured that child
Can you imagine the pain ?
Child is probably lucky to be alive so your husband is right in his concerns
Its very sad your parents cant understand that

If you think telling the wider family is going to help then go ahead. I really don't think it will. You'll just get further pushed out by your FOO (family of origin).

And what good is it doing keeping it a secret Sandy??