Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Can you try reassuring yourself that you ARE there for your dad? If he contacted you to talk about his Mum you'd be so happy to support him. You know it's true, he knows it's true.

Is it that if people see you are not by his side hugging etc, you think they will judge you for being a bad uncaring daughter? Can you just remind yourself that this is a complicated situation and people don't know what's going on, this is the best way to manage things given the circumstances.

If you were to see this at a funeral you were attending, you might think it a bit strange. But surely you'd assume that there was a wider situation that you didn't know about, rather than assume one or other party was cruel and uncaring.

Aw man im 18months in and still a mess.

I understand what you mean about not trusting that it wouldnt happen again.

My parents do have previous for this. They cut my OH out for 5 years (all over him being an immature 21 year old who had moved out of home and went a bit wild with the drink and lads nights out)

They also cut my sisters ex out for years because they caught him in her bed (they were like 20years old, not kids)

So yes, it isnt totally unique behaviour and they are 100% trying to cut my OH out again over this.

Well over my dead body. I should never have accepted that the first time.

Shameful

Yes you're right panna.

I suppose im most concerned about what my dad will say to my uncle. I just think he will bad mouth my OH and say he is stopping them seeing our LG and controlling etc etc.

So unfair when this is not the case.

Sorry to hear they have previous history of going NC. Chances are your uncle knows this or at least knows he is capable of this kind of behaviour and so knows that he may not be getting the full story.

Hold your head up high tomorrow you haven't done anything wrong.

Just NC with my OH and my sisters ex, never with me before. But i know their recent behaviour is an attempt to cut my OH out again. Theyd prob be over the moon if we split up.

I dont think my uncle will tbh. I believe its all fuelled by my mum and my dad follows on (my dad is quite like me, weak and a people pleaser)

My uncle has lived abroad for nearly 40 years, so im not sure he will have any idea. He certainly doesnt know about the previous times.

Just RTWT.

I have one thing to say.

Any decent grandparent would be moving heaven and earth to get to the bottom of who injured their seven week old GC. That person would then be well and truly ostracized (and in some circles, be given a thorough hiding). The fact they are colluding with your DSis and her DH is beyond belief. I half believe the theories that they might be doing what they’re doing to protect their DGC, but if that were truly the case, they wouldn’t be ignoring you or be embarrassed about it being discussed. Any normal grandparent would be livid, and rightly so, and likely badmouthing the child abuser.

You and your DH are absolutely doing the right thing, you sound like the only sane ones in this sorry story! If I were you, I’d contact SS myself and tell them everything I knew, the dog, the cover up, the way your DSis alluded to the fact she knew her DH had harmed your DNephew. In a situation like this, you protect the weakest. That little boy deserves your help and protection. You know you can’t trust your DP to protect him around his DF. You need to report that too.

Re the funeral, go, take your DH if you want and hold your head high. If everything you’ve posted here is the truth then you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your parents have behaved despicably, you’re in the right.

Hi Lilsquish,
Ive been following your thread and thinking about you. Theres lots I could write (Im NC with all my narcissistic family so I get the pain and the hurt). I know that you are dreading tomorrow which is understandable. My heart goes out to you. You do not deserve this deep pain and unhappiness. Parental bonds (especially maternal) can be much harder to break free from than divorce. I can only say - be yourself and know yourself - that you are a good person. We really cant control how others behave or what they say. It doesnt change who we are. Do not allow yourself to be defined by them. Look around at those who love and care about you and use them as your point of reference in how you are viewed. One other thing - I would have taken my husband to the funeral! Firstly for support, and also because who the hell are they to give you orders not to bring him? You are entitled to support. You are also mourning. Dont let them pull your strings and dictate to you. They are appalling.
Good luck tomorrow. A stranger on the internet will be silently sending you strength and hugs.

Thank you sparklestar.

It unfortunately is the truth, i wish it wasnt.

Thank you Wish for your kind thoughts.

Sorry to read that you also have NC with family x x

Just want to say thank you to everyone who has posted.

And sorry that iv not replied personally to each comment.

I am reading them all over and over and taking strength and comfort from them.

Thank you

Thinking of you today, Lil

Yes, hope it goes ok

Hope it goes ok today lil. Stay strong; it will be over before too long.

Just a thought; your parents are really quite controlling aren't they? All this cutting-out of their daughter's partners.

There is a reason they don't use lie detectors in court you know. They aren't reliable enough.

Thank you all for the messages of support today.

It went better than i thought it would.
Will update when i get a moment.

Ginny-

I know they arent 100%. However im already 90% certain of whats happened. It was just that extra piece i was looking for.

It was never intended to be used for court, or even for social services, it was just for the family.

I'm glad to hear today went better than you expected.

Just to chip in on lie detectors: the trouble with lie detectors is that it can make a situation worse without offering any chance of benefit.

What if the result comes back negative (family member didn't do it) - what would you think then? It might increase the conflict in your situation.

What if the result comes back positive (family member did do it), but that family member protests their innocence (doubtful) and repeats that lie detectors are unreliable (true). How would taking the lie detector help the current situation? It adds nothing.

The thing is : Suppose lie detectors get correct/true results let's say 80% of times (I just made that up - I don't know the precise figure*) - then that would mean that approximately 80 times out of 100 the lie detector machine gets the correct result. 20 times out of 100 the results are falsely positive or falsely negative. If you were testing something many, many times, you might learn something interesting. But if you are just taking one or a few tests, the results really don't help much because you don't know if your result/s fall in the pile of approx 80 correct results or the pile of approx 20 incorrect results. I don't know if that explanation is clear but it's why there's little value in lie detection tests in this circumstance.

It's widely reported that flipping a coin is about as accurate at determining the truth as a lie detector.

I suppose im most concerned about what my dad will say to my uncle. I just think he will bad mouth my OH and say he is stopping them seeing our LG and controlling etc etc If you think about it - in your dad's world, he has to blame anyone other than your Dsis or BIL for all of "the fuss" - it's part of the narrative, it's needed to deflect everyone and act as a smokescreen over people asking questions over a 7 week old baby with broken bones. In his mind, if he can get everyone else worked up over some nonsense with your DH, then they won't be thinking about your DN.

Aunt-

Thats actually a very good point and may be the case

Freda-

I had researched a lot into lie detectors before even mentioning it to them. I was wanting to go with the one where a trained examiner also 'interviews' them as well as the actual polygraph.

When i mentioned it to my sis, she seemed fine with it and even mentioned that she had begged the police officer to put her on one. She then mentioned it to her OH and he said nothing, just sat eating his dinner......

But i know its never going to get done, i just wanted to give all the info on here to paint the picture of how desperate we all are.

Good on you for keeping your baby away from these monsters. How can your parents not see what a danger they are to children.

Your poor nephew with broken ribs. The pain that baby has exeperienced is unforgivable.

So today.....

I decided to leave it to the last minute to walk in. Unfortunately the set up of the church was that you enter at the front so i was last in, and everyone saw that.

I walked past the front row of my parents, sister, aunt and uncle. I was so relieved to see that my BIL wasnt there. That would really have hurt me if he had been.

So, as i pass my aunt and uncle, i say how sorry i am and my uncle grabs my hand and says 'please sit behind me'. So i do.

My aunt then turns and takes my hand. This meant the world to me.

After the service, the family leave first. Heres me panicking about whether or not to leave with them. As my aunt walks past she whispers "please walk with us" but by that time my sis and parents were right there so i let them pass and walked after them.

Outside my dad stops and hugs me, thanks me for coming and says he wishes he could have fixed things. I nod and tell him that im going to go.

My aunt then comes over and says "we know there has been a falling out, but we havent been told anything about it. But i know theres two sides to every story" i then handed her a piece if paper with my phone number and email address on it. I said i was sorry i couldnt stay for the wake.

My mum then came over and thanked me for coming, saying that my dad appreciated it. I then left.

And that was that.

Thoughts???

Your aunt and uncle sound lovely. Hopefully you can meet up with them.

As for the rest, it went as well as you could have hoped for really. How are you feeling?

So glad your aunt was there for you. That must have made the whole thing much more bearable.

You did great. Be kind to yourself now, I imagine your head will be all over the place for the next few days.

Kinda like a huge weight has been lifted.

I have known for months that my gran wasnt going to last long and the dread and worry was always there at the back of my mind.

Yes my aunt and uncle were lovely, such a shame we have never had much of a relationship.