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Original poster

Should I be worried about DH's 'friend'?

163 replies

mugofchai · 20/12/2017 07:23

I'll attempt to keep this short!

DH has made a female friend through one of his hobbies. At first I didn't think much of it but there have been a few things that have made me worry.

First issue, I had plans to go away one weekend with friends. Earlier that week I was lying in bed and DH's phone started buzzing. I glanced at his phone (he has text previews on his lock screen) and saw messages from this woman about meeting up with him to do their hobby at the weekend. He hadn't mentioned this to me so I asked him what he was planning to do while I was away and again, he didn't mention it. I said I knew he was lying as I'd seen the message preview and he said he didn't mention making plans with her because he'd changed his mind and was going to do something with another (male) friend instead. That turned out to be true so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Two weeks later, a giant parcel turns up for DH. He opened it and it was a gift from this woman. There was no apparent reason for the gift e.g. not his birthday or anything. I said it was weird and made me uncomfortable and he got really defensive and said she's just a friend and I needed to calm down.

Since the gift, he hasn't mentioned her at all. Then last night, DH's phone beeped while he was out of the room. I looked at the screen and could see a text preview from this woman. When he came back, I said "your phone's been buzzing" and he replied "oh, it's just a work email". My heart sank when I knew he lied to me so I waited until he went to sleep and then snooped through his phone. I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

So as the title suggests, should I be worried?

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 20/12/2017 07:26

It definitely sounds as though she likes him and personally I really wouldn't like my DP spending a lot of time with someone who clearly fancies him. Saying that I don't think he's done anything wrong but the lying is definitely dodgy.

6demandingchildren · 20/12/2017 07:28

No I wouldn't be worried, it sounds to me like he wanted to be her friend but she has invested too much into it and he is backing away from her, and I think the reason he has lied to you is that he can't actually be bothered to explain it as it means nothing to him.
But I might be wrong but by the messages it does seen innocent.
I would explain to him that lying to you is not good as you would rather him say "can't be arsed to explain it"

HipNewName · 20/12/2017 07:33

The lying would deeply bother me. The lack of boundaries is a problem.

AdaColeman · 20/12/2017 07:34

It's an emotional affair, he's involved with someone else at a level that is excluding you, and he's lying about it to you.

AnotherDunroamin · 20/12/2017 07:39

I don't think it sounds like an emotional affair - or if it is, it's very one-sided. It sounds like she's very into him but if he's quite closed and abrupt with her it sounds like he's trying to distance himself without hurting her feelings by telling her clearly to back off. And he's lying to you because he doesn't think it's a big deal / doesn't want you get stressed out about it.
But agree with PPs that he needs to set clearer boundaries (and that's actually kinder to her than the mixed messages she's probably getting at the moment). And he needs to apologise for lying and recognise that this isn't an appropriate thing to keep from your partner in future.

Original poster
mugofchai · 20/12/2017 09:07

Thanks for putting my mind at ease.

It sounds bad, but at this point, I don't think I'm going to say anything to him because it might prompt him to hide things more. I think I'll check his phone again in a couple of weeks or so and see if it's still going on. I've never been one to snoop on him but then again, this hasn't happened to us before. Hopefully she takes the hint and stops bothering him.

OP posts:
Tenshidarkangel · 20/12/2017 09:35

Sounds like she's taken his enthusiasm for a platonic friendship formed due to mutual interests a bit far. He's clocked it and is trying to be polite but form a distance with her and trying not to worry you at the same time.

twiney · 20/12/2017 09:47

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He thought she could be a friend, turns out shes a bit full on. What was the gift?

My way of handling this personally would be to organise going down the pub, you, him, her and maybe one other person from his hobby, just to get the lay of the land, emphasise your presence, see what happens.

TheNaze73 · 20/12/2017 09:50

He’s with you at the end of the day.

I think if he wanted to be with her, he would be.

If it is getting your goat, tell him

user1493413286 · 20/12/2017 09:51

I’d be mainly upset at the lying and the fact he’s hiding it shows that he knows you wouldn’t be happy. It doesnt sound like he’s actually flirting or anything though.
Could you initiate a conversation from “something you’ve read” about women and men messaging each other or being friends etc without him guessing? Me and my oh have chatted about where the line is on that kind of thing before.

PNGirl · 20/12/2017 09:51

If she is struggling with her mental health he may be simultaneously unable to tell her to back off and unable to tell you because he feels a bit guilty about keeping it from you. Keep an eye on it! But I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

KhalliWali · 20/12/2017 09:53

What was in the giant parcel?

MammaAgata · 20/12/2017 10:00

I don’t think it sounds like an emotional affair. My husband is friends with men and women alike and will text/email many of his female friends, go out for lunch, dinner etc. I have no issue with any of this. He’s even been on holiday with female friends. What I would be bothered about though is someone lying about it. That’s the issue you’ve got to get to the bottom of imho. For me, I can’t stand snooping, feeling the angst, drama etc. I would have to just ask outright what’s going on with the lying etc

WickedLazy · 20/12/2017 10:02

Just thinking about how, when you're online dating, many men will only write brief responses, or not seem to be taking much of an interest in what you say. But would shag you in a heartbeat given the chance. Because all they're interested in is sex (they'll happily let you babble on, but won't actually listen). If his replies were normal and friendly, he could argue she's just a mate. He doesn't seem interested in having a conversation with her, so I would wonder why he still spends time with her irl?

He's lied twice now over this woman. I would keep on eye on it.

bigtissue · 20/12/2017 10:22

Don't be complacent, your H has been lying to you for some time, is closer to another woman that you are comfortable with, and there is an unexplained present (WTF?)

Threads like yours come up regularly and it turns our there is usually fire where the smoke is. Sorry OP.

HipNewName · 20/12/2017 14:05

I’m surprised so many people think it is fine for a man to lie about his friendship and interactions with another woman. It’s a problem. It erodes trust, I would not let it slide.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/12/2017 14:28

The lies are not ok.

None of this is ok.

I would probably keep an eye as you suggest simply because I would want to see what his thinking actually is. There is a chance by the sound of it that she's the keen one and he is trying to get out of a slightly awkward situation, and I'd be interested to see that play out.

But to be quite clear. The second he lied to you about his involvement with someone else, an involvement which has an emotional angle, he has acted in an unacceptable way. Lies mean that all bets are off. Lies destroy relationships. You cannot be in a true, positive, honest relationship with someone who lies to you and it does not really matter what the lies are about.

Once you know he is willing to corrode your relationship with a lie then you are perfectly justified in stepping away from him.

So I would wait a short while, but if it wasn't clear that he was trying to stop this kind of contact then I would be sitting him down, telling him I know he has been lying to me and ask him what he thinks he should say which could persuade me that it's a good idea to stay in a relationship with someone who lies to me about his level of involvement with another woman.

HipNewName · 20/12/2017 17:33

I don’t think it’s a LTB situation at all, but rather time for a talk and a realignment in the relationship.

Secret communication with some else is like playing Russia’s roulette with your relationship, He has handled the situation very, very badly.

He’s getting something out of it — an ego boast or whatever.

Cricrichan · 20/12/2017 18:09

You've seen his messages and seen that they're one sided. He knows she's crossing a line and is managing the best he can but doesn't want you to be concerned either so is lying. He's not doing anything wrong, he's handling it.

BhajiAllTheWay · 20/12/2017 18:11

What was the parcel she sent??

Original poster
mugofchai · 20/12/2017 18:58

So the gift was made up of lots of small things - bits related to their hobby, foodie items etc. DH said they were all things they had talked about at some point. She had obviously put a lot of thought into it, I think she was trying to show him that she's paid attention to the things he's said.

When I looked at their text conversation, DH had thanked her but said she shouldn't have. She replied with something like 'that's what friends do for each other'. Very odd IMO for someone who's just a friend.

I don't think they've seen each other for about 6 weeks now. She was trying to get him to meet her this weekend but he told her he was busy doing something with me.

OP posts:
AlwaysPondering · 20/12/2017 19:16

She definitely sounds into him OP. I would talk to him, express how you feel and hopefully he will agree to discourage the contact even more so.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 20/12/2017 19:18

Sounds like she's trying it on and he's not interested.
Maybe he didn't tell you, so it didn't turn into you texting her and telling her too back off.
Granted he shouldn't have lied but there's a reason why he didn't feel comfortable enough in telling you the truth.

AdaColeman · 20/12/2017 19:29

Have you ever met her mugofchia? Does she know that he's married?

TheHandmaidsTail · 20/12/2017 19:42

It doesn't even sound as though he's encouraging it, very one sided.

I wouldn't mention something like this to DH if I felt I could handle it and he would either be upset or have a bit of whinge. And he definitely wouldn't tell me - as I would be upset and whinge Grin

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