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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried about DH's 'friend'?

163 replies

mugofchai · 20/12/2017 07:23

I'll attempt to keep this short!

DH has made a female friend through one of his hobbies. At first I didn't think much of it but there have been a few things that have made me worry.

First issue, I had plans to go away one weekend with friends. Earlier that week I was lying in bed and DH's phone started buzzing. I glanced at his phone (he has text previews on his lock screen) and saw messages from this woman about meeting up with him to do their hobby at the weekend. He hadn't mentioned this to me so I asked him what he was planning to do while I was away and again, he didn't mention it. I said I knew he was lying as I'd seen the message preview and he said he didn't mention making plans with her because he'd changed his mind and was going to do something with another (male) friend instead. That turned out to be true so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Two weeks later, a giant parcel turns up for DH. He opened it and it was a gift from this woman. There was no apparent reason for the gift e.g. not his birthday or anything. I said it was weird and made me uncomfortable and he got really defensive and said she's just a friend and I needed to calm down.

Since the gift, he hasn't mentioned her at all. Then last night, DH's phone beeped while he was out of the room. I looked at the screen and could see a text preview from this woman. When he came back, I said "your phone's been buzzing" and he replied "oh, it's just a work email". My heart sank when I knew he lied to me so I waited until he went to sleep and then snooped through his phone. I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

So as the title suggests, should I be worried?

OP posts:
Greedynan · 20/12/2017 19:54

One sided? There's hundreds of texts between them. Then the gift, which he was defensive about. And he's lying. This stinks.

There's another very similar thread 'I hate my husband's work wife'.

Humpsfor20yards · 20/12/2017 19:59

He's lied to you lots about her and is secretly communicating with her everyday?

This would be unacceptable in my (most people's) relationship.

Gemini69 · 20/12/2017 20:03

does he enjoy the attention she lavishes on him.. because it doesn't sound like he is adverse to her attentions ...

I wouldn't be happy about the secrecy he shares with her [fghmm]

NotTheFordType · 20/12/2017 20:49

Is he a bit of a people pleaser? Especially towards his mum?

It kinds of sounds like he wants to tell her to fuck off but doesn't have the vagina to do it.

Original poster
mugofchai · 20/12/2017 22:57

To answer some questions:

He's definitely not a people pleaser! Although he's not insensitive, so I guess he could be trying to be nice to her as it sounds like she's depressed. On the other hand, he does engage in some conversation with her so it's not like it's 100% one sided.

I've never met her. DH has invited her along to a few things where I've been there but she didn't come along. My friend has met her and said she seems really nice. She definitely knows he is married.

OP posts:
BettyBo33 · 21/12/2017 00:26

She's after your H. There are plenty of women(and men) that don't care if someone is married or not. Your H is at the start of the slippery slope. Don't wait it out. He will just get more secretive and defensive, and justify it to himself better, as time goes on. She will continue to pursue him and before you know it their EA will have grown into something else..

Shankarankalina · 21/12/2017 00:35

She thinks they have a 'connection'.

When's his birthday? #beprepared

If this were the 1990s, she'd be sending him a mix tape.

I don't like this, op. She is a stranger you've never met. He is lying about their frequency of contact. Don't accept anything that makes YOU feel there's a ghost in the room Flowers

scrabbler3 · 21/12/2017 00:36

I think that she's interested in him and he's flattered (hence not putting her off) but hasn't taken it further. She sounds unhinged. That gift thing is odd.

Humpsfor20yards · 21/12/2017 06:31

so I guess he could be trying to be nice to her as it sounds like she's depressed

he'd rather be nice to her than be nice/honest to you...why?

MaggieFS · 21/12/2017 06:46

She sounds a bit too keen or a little unhinged. Lying is not good, but if she's latched onto DH perhaps he knows it's a bit odd but doesn't know how to get out of it? Somehow I think you need to find a way to have an open and calm discussion with him and nip it in the bud.

Original poster
mugofchai · 21/12/2017 07:34

So things have taken a turn this morning. H tells me that work is quiet so he's going to take Friday off. I'll still be at work so asked him what he's planning to do and he said he's got no plans and might go xmas shopping. Something about his response seemed fishy so just checked his phone while he was in the shower and he's arranging to meet up with his 'friend' to do their hobby Sad

Not really sure what to do now. Feel so disappointed and trying not to get upset about it.

I'm thinking about waiting until Friday to see if he coughs up the truth but then what??

Can't believe this is happening right before Christmas too Sad

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 21/12/2017 07:37

I wouldn't leave it. Say something like 'I think we need to talk don't we' if he plays dumb then follow up with 'about your plans for Friday'. He's probably in his own mind trying to dismiss the whole thing as entirely innocent and purely related to a shared interest. This minimising will be harder for him when confronted with his own dishonesty.

Humpsfor20yards · 21/12/2017 07:47

youve got great instincts op.

I wouldn't address what you know directly, but I would set down the consequences.

E.g.- sorry I made a fuss about the gift, I just had a feeling she's falling for you. I'm sure you wouldn't do anything to jeopardise us though because you know if you did, we'd be over. I wouldn't forgive you sneaking around etc etc.

Greedynan · 21/12/2017 07:50

I'm sorry to say but I suspect this is a little more than him being a bit rubbish with boundaries. He's repeatedly lying to his wife and is now planning to take time off work to spend with this OW. And lying about it. I'm not suggesting that anything physical has happened but I think they're having an EA. read that article I sent the link to. Your situ has all the markings. Why does OW think it's ok to continually text and even send gifts? Because your DH has communicated to her on some level that he's happy for her to do so

Original poster
mugofchai · 21/12/2017 07:55

This is my dilemma. Right now he has no idea that I have checked his phone and read his messages.

If I tell him what I know, it might nip this in the bud before it escalates into something else. BUT if I say something, he might start being more secretive and change his pin number or start deleting stuff. If that happens and this carries on, then I'll never get to the bottom of it.

I think if he's having or going to have an affair, I'd rather be able to find out than be left in the dark. It's like torture though having this big elephant in the room!

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2017 07:59

I was all ready to say it's rather innocent on his side, until I read your last update.Sad

I would actually confront him today. Do you have dc? Is so I'd do it tonight when they're in bed, but if not, I'd do it now.

Tell him you've looked at his phone this morning and seen the texts between them. He'll kick off about lack of privacy etc but tell him that's now irrelevant. He's lied to you several times, he's meeting her behind your back, she sending him gifts, and you've come to the only sane conclusion that their relationship is totally inappropriate.

See what he says/does b fire deciding what to do next.

What a stupid idiot he is. Angry

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2017 08:03

mug if you confront him and he changes his pin then he is an utter bastard and you cannot ever trust him again. It would be the end if the marriage for me.

You have every right to confront him now and expect him to actually beg for forgiveness and agree for you to have access to his phone and for him to stop seeing this women. As I said, if he refuses, you have your answer.

dungandbother · 21/12/2017 08:03

Can you take Friday off and have a day with him to have some fun?

Greedynan · 21/12/2017 08:03

Everybody has their own boundaries in relationships and they'll differ from one person to the next. For some people only when a relationship becomes physical do they consider it an affair. For others, the emotional connection, the lying, the secrecy, minimising, that constitutes an affair, an emotional affair. This really does sound like an emotional affair or the beginnings of one.

theavianexecutioner · 21/12/2017 08:09

Don't stand for this for one second.
The not telling you the truth is bad enough.

Gerbil17 · 21/12/2017 08:13

The fact they are communicating daily and meeting secretly. Along with her sending him thoughtful gifts - id say it is already escalated.
The texts might just be as they are due to them both knowing there is a chance you will see them.
His reaction of going straight to defensive when the gift arrived says a lot IMO.

Paperdoll16 · 21/12/2017 08:14

I would tell him tonight that you've got a lovely surprise for him....

You've taken Friday off to spend the day together! 😬

Ceebs85 · 21/12/2017 08:15

Sounds like she's scared him off. Definitely needs keeping an eye on. She sounds weird and persistent!

MammaAgata · 21/12/2017 08:18

I agree with @Lizzy. I would have to confront it now. Taking days off etc and not dealing with it is just pushing the problem under the rug which will inevitably need to be dealt with further down the line. This isn’t going to go away. When you first posted I thought it fairly innocent (and it could well still be) but I would be hugely upset and raging if my husband was meeting his ‘friends’ secretly and lying to me about it. As I said uprhread my husband has lots of female friends, probably more than men, but he doesn’t do anything secretly or lie about it.