Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried about DH's 'friend'?

163 replies

mugofchai · 20/12/2017 07:23

I'll attempt to keep this short!

DH has made a female friend through one of his hobbies. At first I didn't think much of it but there have been a few things that have made me worry.

First issue, I had plans to go away one weekend with friends. Earlier that week I was lying in bed and DH's phone started buzzing. I glanced at his phone (he has text previews on his lock screen) and saw messages from this woman about meeting up with him to do their hobby at the weekend. He hadn't mentioned this to me so I asked him what he was planning to do while I was away and again, he didn't mention it. I said I knew he was lying as I'd seen the message preview and he said he didn't mention making plans with her because he'd changed his mind and was going to do something with another (male) friend instead. That turned out to be true so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Two weeks later, a giant parcel turns up for DH. He opened it and it was a gift from this woman. There was no apparent reason for the gift e.g. not his birthday or anything. I said it was weird and made me uncomfortable and he got really defensive and said she's just a friend and I needed to calm down.

Since the gift, he hasn't mentioned her at all. Then last night, DH's phone beeped while he was out of the room. I looked at the screen and could see a text preview from this woman. When he came back, I said "your phone's been buzzing" and he replied "oh, it's just a work email". My heart sank when I knew he lied to me so I waited until he went to sleep and then snooped through his phone. I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

So as the title suggests, should I be worried?

OP posts:
Helga55 · 23/12/2017 13:18

Any update OP?

Validation · 23/12/2017 16:34

It's in the mail so I doubt they'll be an update. Only half the story so the op looks like she is over reacting although she very clearly isn't.

DotCottonDotCom · 23/12/2017 17:03

I’m so sad it’s appeared in the Mail. I’m sure OP hasn’t posted things thinking it would appear in the bloody Mail, (which many read) and okay on MN (which a lot less read)

OP I hope you are ok.

IndieTara · 23/12/2017 17:37

Hope you're ok op

AdaColeman · 23/12/2017 18:06

I thought it was the "Work Wife" thread that had been used?

All the best OP.

Ceebs85 · 23/12/2017 18:47

This one hasn't appeared. Please update us op

AdaColeman · 23/12/2017 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdaColeman · 23/12/2017 18:59

Oh, so sorry, wrong thread.

Validation · 23/12/2017 19:43

Op really sorry! I was wrong and you're fine. Not in the mail, it is the work wife one. I was really cross at how the mail thinks it's ok to report from mumsnet threads when a person is obviously not asking for fame but support/help. I do hope you are ok.

DotCottonDotCom · 23/12/2017 21:52

I actually got confused, even read the mail and still got them mixed up - I’m sorry too

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 24/12/2017 00:35

My husband has a couple of friends from work. They have sent a present for us to share. Me... that’s lovely. On the other hand he had another friend who bought him aftershave? I don’t know it felt weird a little bit too intimate. She never sat right with me. I told him the aftershave smelt awful. I can be a bit childish! Grin

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 24/12/2017 13:05

No, after your update I think he reaslly isn't interested romantically - sigh of relief.
I don't get it why posters completely ignored the fact that HE suggested that you meet her, that's surely the best solution. The way he says she's a nice person (if he was hiding something he'd be inclined to be a bit negative about her) and that's also what your friend said (who met her), AND wants to arrange a meetup is good.

That's exactly what you should do ASAP - meet her, it's very effective from the point of view of having an impact on her. She may well be interested or having delusions about a possible romance, but meeting you will bring her down to earth. It IS still possible that she is just clingy and sees him as a friend/a listening ear re her MH problems, but if she does have any illusions, seeing you as a fact of his life, will low her down hugely - though she might feel depressed afterwards, that's not your issue. You can be nice to her and maybe even you will all become friends, with a benefit of the doubt.
And if she's not nice when meeting you, then of course this will make it obvous to him that she's interested and then there's an obvious reason to cut down on their contact.
But definitely meet her, because as others said these things can sometimes build up over time.
.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 24/12/2017 13:06

slow, not 'low'

Original poster
mugofchai · 25/12/2017 00:33

Was panicking about this being in the Mail for a while there Shock

Quick update: checked DH's phone again and he wasn't lying about meeting up with other people on Friday. I saw his messages to the other 2 friends that joined them so I'm feeling a bit more relieved.

His behaviour was a bit odd on Friday though. He left in a great mood but was in a terrible one when he came back. He snapped at me for absolutely no reason and felt really distant so god knows what was going through his head.

Anyway, we've since had a lovely couple of days together and there haven't been any more messages between them so I'm just going to focus on having a good Christmas and hope this whole episode fizzles out.

OP posts:
rainbowduck · 27/12/2017 23:28

Hope Christmas went well and everything is back to normal!

MoKnickers · 27/12/2017 23:39

Sounds like he’s missing her.

Original poster
mugofchai · 03/01/2018 05:10

Back again although not about the 'friend' this time. I've been monitoring his phone and it seems to have all died down.

My other issue here is with DH's hobby itself. How much time do you think is acceptable to spend away from home doing your own pursuits?

DH is out 4 nights a week between 2-4 hours doing his hobby. Then on the weekends, he's out for at least a full day. He sometimes takes trips over the whole weekend and took 2 x holidays abroad last year by himself to do it as well. When I've talked to him about it, he thinks it's good and perfectly normal for us to each do our own thing and doesn't think it's a problem. It feels off to me and not the sort of behaviour I associate with a healthy relationship but AIBU?

Oh, and just to confirm, I know where he is and who he's with while it's out so it's not the woman that started this post.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 03/01/2018 06:21

4 times a week and a full day at weekends is too much imo. A couple of times a week and a weekend day is ok....ish. The odd weekend away wouldn’t bother me but full holiday would.

Browtox · 03/01/2018 07:11

What’s the hobby

Katisha · 03/01/2018 07:14

It's usually cycling in these cases..

Mia184 · 03/01/2018 07:38

I cycle and since it is dark in the evening at this time of the year, I only go out for short rides. So if your husband's hobby is indeed cycling, it would be highly unusual to go out for rides lasting 2-4 hours in the evening at this time of the year.

Thebluedog · 03/01/2018 08:32

That’s way too much imo. Sorry I can’t remember if you have dc? If you do then when do you get your time? If you took the other day at the weekend and the only day left during the week you’d never see each other? Or are you supposed to take your YOU time when he’s doing his hobby?

I still think it’s too much anyway.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/01/2018 13:54

My DH is a serious cyclist, it doesn't take up nearly as much time as that. He knew two guys whose entire lives revolved around it, though, and couldn't understand why their wives put up with it (both clear cases of avoiding family responsibilities IMO). They're both divorced now.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/01/2018 13:54

This is sailing or climbing I reckon.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/01/2018 13:58

And obviously he is taking the piss.