Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried about DH's 'friend'?

163 replies

mugofchai · 20/12/2017 07:23

I'll attempt to keep this short!

DH has made a female friend through one of his hobbies. At first I didn't think much of it but there have been a few things that have made me worry.

First issue, I had plans to go away one weekend with friends. Earlier that week I was lying in bed and DH's phone started buzzing. I glanced at his phone (he has text previews on his lock screen) and saw messages from this woman about meeting up with him to do their hobby at the weekend. He hadn't mentioned this to me so I asked him what he was planning to do while I was away and again, he didn't mention it. I said I knew he was lying as I'd seen the message preview and he said he didn't mention making plans with her because he'd changed his mind and was going to do something with another (male) friend instead. That turned out to be true so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Two weeks later, a giant parcel turns up for DH. He opened it and it was a gift from this woman. There was no apparent reason for the gift e.g. not his birthday or anything. I said it was weird and made me uncomfortable and he got really defensive and said she's just a friend and I needed to calm down.

Since the gift, he hasn't mentioned her at all. Then last night, DH's phone beeped while he was out of the room. I looked at the screen and could see a text preview from this woman. When he came back, I said "your phone's been buzzing" and he replied "oh, it's just a work email". My heart sank when I knew he lied to me so I waited until he went to sleep and then snooped through his phone. I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

So as the title suggests, should I be worried?

OP posts:
LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 21/12/2017 20:11

Is there any chance that the "golf" could be a code word for sex? Sorry :(

It's just the way the text is worded, I really need to, I miss it, helps with depression.

Gerbil17 · 21/12/2017 20:30

Hmm...especially since she already has plans but is willing to rearrange.

I wonder if your DP is just as willing to rearrange his plans to spend time with you when you tell him you have the day off

rainbowskittles · 21/12/2017 20:46

@LordSugarWillSeeYouNow I think you are onto something there

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 21/12/2017 20:57

Lord that's exactly what I thought too.

Original poster
mugofchai · 21/12/2017 21:26

I don't think it's code for sex. They went into a bit of detail about where they might meet/do that was quite specific to their hobby. It would have to be a pretty elaborate code if yswim?!

So DH has just told me (unprompted) that he's going to meet this woman tomorrow along with a couple of other friends. I obviously didn't look too impressed so he asked me why I'm so bothered. We had another conversation about the gift and he agreed that it was a bit unexpected and weird. He went on to say that he honestly isn't interested in her at all and he doesn't think she's interested in him. He said she's a nice person and a friend and he wants me to meet her so I can put my mind at ease.

I'm feeling better than I was earlier but I still feel weird about this woman. I'm going to keep schum about seeing his messages so I can keep an eye on this situation. Guess it's just a case of wait and see what happens next Confused

OP posts:
waterrat · 21/12/2017 21:28

Well she is definitely after him..the parcel was completely inappropriate to send to a married man. He presumably isnt stupid and knows that too but hasnt backed off from her.

If he knows you are uncomfortable with her then its even worse that he is chatting to her about meeting but not mentioning that to you.

Personally I couldnt keep quiet and woukd explode about the lying. Essentially if he loves you he will then be terrified of losing you and realise he has fucked up

waterrat · 21/12/2017 21:31

Ok cross post.

i honestly think that a decent man wouldnt want his partner to feel anxious or unsure. Why does he need her friendship so much?

I think marriages have to have boundaries and private space that keep the couple safe. He has a friendship that exists in a different space and makes you feel uncomfortable.

At the least it seems he enjoys the flirting and attention ...

loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2017 21:40

He knows you're on to him!

Andylion · 21/12/2017 21:42

OP, when did he tell you that he was taking Friday off? Do you think he made that plan only after she texted him that she wanted to play golf?

GlitteryFluff · 21/12/2017 22:22

I think it’s wise to keep an eye on things.
I’m not convinced all is innocent.

AdaColeman · 21/12/2017 22:23

The gifts she sent him were carefully chosen for him and quite personal, the sub text of those gifts was, " See how completely I understand you, listen to what you're saying, and care so much about you."

A casual friend might give a book they'd talked about together, but this gift was at a different level all together.

As for Friday and his until now secret meeting with her, if he wasn't interested in her, why didn't he say he was too busy to meet her, or had other plans himself?

She is keen enough be changing her own plans to meet up with him, and he is enjoying the attention, encouraging it even, by his own actions.

He knows that you are uncomfortable and unhappy about his friendship with this woman yet he intends to continue it. He has lied to you about the extent of their relationship for some time, giving you a false picture of their relationship. What does that say about the value he places on your feelings?

He might just have "golf" on his mind when he meets her tomorrow, though I doubt it, but she will have a lot more than "golf" on her mind.

Hissy · 21/12/2017 22:45

But he’s NOT meeting her with a couple of others, is he?

And she DOES like him, he’s just being a bloke and not reading between the lines!

ZenNudist · 21/12/2017 23:23

Is anyone else actually going to this thing or is that just a cover? Id tell him straight not to go. Or if he does go he needs to realise he is 1 encouraging her and 2 upsetting you.

HipNewName · 22/12/2017 00:25

He’s taking the Friday before Christmas off work so he can spend it with her. They are celebrating the holiday together.

Peachyking000 · 22/12/2017 06:12

He’s lying about other friends going too though. He’s meeting her alone and pretending to you that they are going as a group Sad

PaperBagPrincesa · 22/12/2017 06:36

Hipnewname, good policy. I hated that my x just did not care about how miserable i was. The ins and outs could be endlessly discussed but eventually i realised that he knew his behevior was 5he cause of my intense distress and he did.not.care.

On another note, re her seeming to be more in to him than he is in to her, some men need to be adored, even in a casual relationship. Ie, they define it as casual but its attractive dynamic for them is your ardent admiration. For these guys a casual relationship with somebody who felt casually fond of them wouldnt feel right. I had a bf like this. As soon as i felt the way i was supposed to feel in a casual relationship i was no longr validating him so we drifted rifht at the point we Both felt casual. Hth

tillytown · 22/12/2017 06:39

Ask him what he would do if it was you getting presents from, and constantly texting, another man. Would he think it was a harmless friendship, or really fucking disrespectful?

Peachyking000 · 22/12/2017 06:58

I should add, when I went through this, he pretended he was meeting a group of friends, when I had actually seen the message inviting specifically only the woman. I suppose it’s hiding in plain sight, and meant to throw you off the scent.

So today while you are working hard and no doubt worrying yourself sick, a woman who fancies him is getting to spend time alone with him having fun. Will another surprise present be given? Honestly, I think you should do something about this.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2017 07:27

I agree, sounds like he's meeting her on his own, and telling you it's a group to throw you off the scent.

laudanum · 22/12/2017 07:36

Why is it so hard for folks to accept that people can have platonic relationships with the opposing genders?

theavianexecutioner · 22/12/2017 07:41

Let us know what happens, OP.
Hope you're ok this morning

Greedynan · 22/12/2017 07:53

Platonic.... maybe....

So why all the lies???

MammaAgata · 22/12/2017 09:33

@laudanum.. it’s not hard to accept at all, it’s just that he’s lied and been secretive about it. That’s what the problem is in essence

FizzyGreenWater · 22/12/2017 09:39

Ok the updates change it slightly.

I agree with watch and wait.

Not sure what I would do about meeting.

C0untDucku1a · 22/12/2017 18:42

Any news op? Ive been thinking about it and it is really tricky.