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Original poster

Should I be worried about DH's 'friend'?

163 replies

mugofchai · 20/12/2017 07:23

I'll attempt to keep this short!

DH has made a female friend through one of his hobbies. At first I didn't think much of it but there have been a few things that have made me worry.

First issue, I had plans to go away one weekend with friends. Earlier that week I was lying in bed and DH's phone started buzzing. I glanced at his phone (he has text previews on his lock screen) and saw messages from this woman about meeting up with him to do their hobby at the weekend. He hadn't mentioned this to me so I asked him what he was planning to do while I was away and again, he didn't mention it. I said I knew he was lying as I'd seen the message preview and he said he didn't mention making plans with her because he'd changed his mind and was going to do something with another (male) friend instead. That turned out to be true so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Two weeks later, a giant parcel turns up for DH. He opened it and it was a gift from this woman. There was no apparent reason for the gift e.g. not his birthday or anything. I said it was weird and made me uncomfortable and he got really defensive and said she's just a friend and I needed to calm down.

Since the gift, he hasn't mentioned her at all. Then last night, DH's phone beeped while he was out of the room. I looked at the screen and could see a text preview from this woman. When he came back, I said "your phone's been buzzing" and he replied "oh, it's just a work email". My heart sank when I knew he lied to me so I waited until he went to sleep and then snooped through his phone. I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

So as the title suggests, should I be worried?

OP posts:
LinoVentura · 21/12/2017 13:03

I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

Imo your husband is probably not interested in starting anything with her. Why do I suspect that? Because he's unenthusiastic in their text conversations, plus the fact that she goes on about her mental health is almost guaranteed to be unattractive to him.

However he does feel sorry for her and to a certain extent enjoys the attention. If he's not used to female attention then it will be particularly hard for him to know how to respond. His lies could be because he is hoping something will happen between them but it's more likely he feels sorry for her, enjoys her attention and doesn't want you to stop the friendship, even though he has no intention of cheating on you.

Personally if I were in your shoes I would end the pretence right now and tell him the following at the earliest opportunity possible:

this friendship is inappropriate and this woman is definitely interested in him
if the situation were appropriate he wouldn't have felt the need to lie over it (repeatedly)
if the situation were reversed he would hate it
if he wants to swap you for this woman then he needs to admit it now
he needs to break all contact with this woman or the marriage is going to fail

The fact that you checked his phone was understandable considering he was obviously lying, and should not be used as a distraction.

Hissy · 21/12/2017 13:13

I'd sit him down and introduce him to the way some women think/act and what she is doing. she is NOT a friend of your marriage.

You said earlier:
She was trying to get him to meet her this weekend but he told her he was busy doing something with me. this is a bloke response/rebuff.

the issue here is that he knows it's wrong enough to lie to you about it.

He needs to rethink his plans for his day off.

jbee1979 · 21/12/2017 13:13

Yes yes Yes, Fizzy! 😁

Jafinar · 21/12/2017 13:31

What Fizzy Said! He is already lying to you so zero tolerance I think!

MammaAgata · 21/12/2017 13:42

@fizzy - I’ve often admired your style on threads and this is another example of that! I think you’re right. Zero tolerance..

OptimisticHamster · 21/12/2017 13:46

If it's innocent now, it won't be soon. I would confront before he goes over that line (if he hasn't).

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 21/12/2017 14:33

Oh dear op, you must feel so hurt.

I would definitely do as pp have said and tell him quite casually that great news! You have Friday off too. His reaction will speak volumes.

DownNotOutt · 21/12/2017 14:39

I'd tell him I was thinking of taking Friday off too and suggest we go Christmas shopping together and watch him bluster his way through the response. Then I'd watch it unfold from afar and gather the evidence.

DownNotOutt · 21/12/2017 14:43

I'd also pretend my phone was broken and ask to borrow his to send a text, do it whilst he's in front of you with the phone so he has no chance to delete anything. Watch him panic and attempt an excuse. Then say "what's the problem?"

loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2017 14:54

If you say you've got Friday off and say you'll go with him he'll just say that he wants to get you a present. Maybe wait until Friday and catch him out.

Animation86 · 21/12/2017 15:30

she is NOT a friend of your marriage

Truth. Do NOT forget this OP.

This aint on!

RandyMarsh · 21/12/2017 15:55

I definitely wouldn't say anything to him at the moment.

As you've said, he will become more secretive and it will be harder to get the evidence!

Nipping it in the bud now is surely just letting him off the hook. He's already done wrong! Why should he get the benefit of backing down only because you've found out? It's not like he's done it of his own accord.

This will be torture, but I would just keep quiet, keep monitoring his phone and then when you have more info, then confront him.

If you say anything now he will just try and pass it off as a friendship and you're the one who is being unreasonable.

LJ25 · 21/12/2017 16:00

He's crossed the line, and he knows it which is why he is lying. Is that the kind of man you want to be with OP? You deserve better Thanks

RestingGrinchFace · 21/12/2017 16:04

I really does sound like she likes him and, while he enjoys the attention/her company, he's not interested. I wouldn't be worried unless you don't trust him not to have an opportunitistic affair.

ConstantStruggler · 21/12/2017 16:04

If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.
I'd be suspicious he's selectively deleting some of the texts he sends. Esp. if the conversation seemed odd.
The problem is that your h will not feel that he's doing anything wrong. Not sure what would be the right approach here. Having just gone through this myself and seeing my h's friendship develop into an EA and PA over time, I obviously made mistakes in how I handled it. Some of the PPs seem very sensible and letting him continue without confronting him doesn't seem like the right strategy to me.

I posted this link on another thread the other day. It seems quite appropriate for you too and may be of some help?

LinoVentura · 21/12/2017 16:58

I definitely wouldn't say anything to him at the moment. As you've said, he will become more secretive and it will be harder to get the evidence! Nipping it in the bud now is surely just letting him off the hook.

I couldn't disagree more. It's not a game. He's at risk of flushing the marriage down the drain, and he needs a reality check immediately.

HipNewName · 21/12/2017 17:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this. So many options for how to respond, and whatever you do your relationship will never, ever be the same.

The ability to trust that your husband is honest is now gone forever. That underlying feeling that he would never cheat on you or hurt you is gone, and no matter what happens next, it will never come back.

I remember the conversation (fight) my husband and I had when I first became a concerned about his “friend.” It was another 3 months before I had proof of their affair, and those months were some of the most miserable of my life. Part of what made it so horrible is that he didn’t care one bit about how I felt. He treated me with contempt, insisted he did nothing wrong, and did not care that I was sinking into depression.

Now, how he treats me and regards my feelings is my line. So many women say “if he cheated, I would end it.” But then our spouses pull this nonsense that force us to define “cheat” and look for evidence and it’s all quite nasty. So that isn’t my line any more. Now, how my DH treats me, how he regardes my feelings is the line.

Don’t let him minimize this or make it about his right to friendship. Kicking my husband out was the best thing I ever did for my marriage. He came back with his head on straight (though sometimes I wish we hadn’t reconciled because It honestly never goes away).

Mousewatch · 21/12/2017 17:30

Yy to fizzy's post. That is exactly what I would do.

He knows she's keen and he is arranging to meet her and lying to you.

What is the hobby? Is it in a public place?

RandyMarsh · 21/12/2017 17:54

He should be reality checking himself!

Why is it his wife's responsibility to confront him now? He's an arse, granted, but there is plenty of opportunity for him to just play the 'friend' card and to make out she is the one being unreasonable.

By all means, confront him if you're going to end the relationship but don't do it if you plan to stay with him. He'll just hide it better in the future.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/12/2017 18:05

@FizzyGreenWater, great post Fizzy !

Original poster
mugofchai · 21/12/2017 19:30

Wow, thanks for all the replies. Lots of ideas and perspectives to consider here.

I can't say what the hobby is as it's fairly niche and possibly identifying. But yes, it's outdoors. I'll say it's "golf" for ease.

He's just mentioned that he might play golf tomorrow. I pressed him on his plans and he said he's not sure. I've gone back through his phone with a calmer head and this is the gist of the conversation with her:

Her: I really need to play golf, I miss it and it will help with my depression.
Him: I'm off on Friday so can play golf if you like?
Her: That would be great. I have plans in the morning but I should be able to rearrange.
Him: OK, let me know.

So I guess technically he's right, he doesn't have a plan yet. Going to check back later and see what's what.

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 21/12/2017 19:33

Hmm, well, to be fair, that's exactly the sort of text exchange my dh would have with a male friend about, say, going cycling/playing squash/whatever. In and of itself, it's quite reasonable.

But the backstory here is making you view it differently, which I totally get.

Hissy · 21/12/2017 19:43

Is this something this woman can do on her own?

She’s using manipulative methods to get him sucked in

If I were you, I’d sign up to amazon prime and get Not Just Friends book on next day delivery....

ObscuredbyFog · 21/12/2017 19:48

Take a credit or debit card out of his wallet tonight.

Wait and find out what time they are meeting at golf, then turn up with his credit card all innocent a few minutes after he gets there and say 'Look what I found just after you left, I thought you might need it so I brought it over for you" then look surprised and say "Oh hello, who's this, a new friend?"

Make like now you're there you can join in or watch or something.

C0untDucku1a · 21/12/2017 20:03

I dont think this woman should be tolerated at all.

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