Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried about DH's 'friend'?

163 replies

mugofchai · 20/12/2017 07:23

I'll attempt to keep this short!

DH has made a female friend through one of his hobbies. At first I didn't think much of it but there have been a few things that have made me worry.

First issue, I had plans to go away one weekend with friends. Earlier that week I was lying in bed and DH's phone started buzzing. I glanced at his phone (he has text previews on his lock screen) and saw messages from this woman about meeting up with him to do their hobby at the weekend. He hadn't mentioned this to me so I asked him what he was planning to do while I was away and again, he didn't mention it. I said I knew he was lying as I'd seen the message preview and he said he didn't mention making plans with her because he'd changed his mind and was going to do something with another (male) friend instead. That turned out to be true so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Two weeks later, a giant parcel turns up for DH. He opened it and it was a gift from this woman. There was no apparent reason for the gift e.g. not his birthday or anything. I said it was weird and made me uncomfortable and he got really defensive and said she's just a friend and I needed to calm down.

Since the gift, he hasn't mentioned her at all. Then last night, DH's phone beeped while he was out of the room. I looked at the screen and could see a text preview from this woman. When he came back, I said "your phone's been buzzing" and he replied "oh, it's just a work email". My heart sank when I knew he lied to me so I waited until he went to sleep and then snooped through his phone. I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

So as the title suggests, should I be worried?

OP posts:
Humpsfor20yards · 21/12/2017 08:22

It doesn't sound like that at all ceebs. Confused

ZenNudist · 21/12/2017 08:23

Why dont you encourage him to do his hobby on Friday? But specifically mention not to do it with Little Miss Batshit?

Alternatively ask him to do Christmas related jobs and say "if you got x y and z out of the way first thing you could do (hobby)" then go on to say "obviously not with Little Miss Batshit..."... and then go into how it makes you feel that he so obviously has an admirer. Dont mention the texts. Make it all about the gift and the significant amount of effort she put into it. Say its awful that some women dont respect when someone is married. Say you appreciate him staying away from his hobby for the last 6 weeks and its a shame not to do it just becsuse someone with no boundaries has come on too strong. Say its best he stayed away from her because it ciuld spiral into fatal attraction. Best let people down gently and not encourage them. Etc etc. Lay it on thick that ges done nothing wrong but she is dangerous and a threat to your marriage.

Humpsfor20yards · 21/12/2017 08:25

What's innocent? A brand new female friend who he is in secret contact with at least three times a day, who buys him gifts, who he secretly arranges to meet up with but tells his wife he's going shopping?

Surely people don't think this is normal 'friend' behaviour?

Wilburissomepig · 21/12/2017 08:26

I would also tell him that you have taken Friday off and see what his response will be. Then I'd be looking at that phone again.

Hidingtonothing · 21/12/2017 08:30

Thing is OP, even if you 'nip it in the bud' the intent will still have been there, he will still have lied to your face when you asked what his plans were and you will always wonder how far he would have gone if you hadn't stopped him. I'm not sure he'd feel like much of a prize to me after that.

The damage is already done at this point imo, he has lied about seeing her and damaged your trust in him. Only you can decide what you want to do about that but, hard though it would be, I think I would have to let it run its course. You shouldn't have to intervene to stop him taking this further, he should be able to work that out on his own Flowers

Peachyking000 · 21/12/2017 08:32

From your initial posts I thought it was a bit one-sided, that she was doing the chasing. However following your update, I wouldn’t be happy. He’s taking the day off work to spend with a woman you have never met, and is lying about it!!

I sort of had a similar situation with DH a while ago so I know it’s a horrible situation.

Thebluedog · 21/12/2017 08:32

I think he’s teetering on the edge of either an emotional or physical affair...

I’d nip it in the bud now, tell him you know he’s lying and going to meet her, and as a result I’d insist that he stops ALL communication with her and that includes his hobby, he can carry on with that, but maybe a different club (or whatever it is he does) so he’s not in contact with her.

I agree about not wanting to be kept in the dark if he decides to lie further, however he’s f he starts to be more secretive and changes pin codes etc then you can pick him up in that - he’s lied and almost gone to meet another woman. That in my book is enough to enable you to demand a change in his behaviour

Good luck OP

Greedynan · 21/12/2017 08:35

Don't pussyfoot about having checked his messages OP. Your instincts told you something was off after that gift and his reaction. It's fucking odd and he knows it.

So you checked and now you know he's been lying. He can't lecture you about trust. He already broke it xx

runwalkrun · 21/12/2017 08:46

I would tell him tonight that you've got a lovely surprise for him

You've taken Friday off to spend the day together!

Very good advice.
You can force his hand, without letting slip you've read his messages.

Greedynan · 21/12/2017 08:51

But she checked his messages because she knew something was off. And the checking has confirmed repeated lies and secrecy.

It's time for some openness and honesty. OP has nothing to be ashamed of. Thank goodness she did check. However, as a PP has stated, the damage is done and the intent is already there. Regardless of his response, he's already fucked up.

I'd be asking him to give you reasons not to chuck him out OP. No pussyfooting, no need for anymore sneaking about or secrecy.

Thebluedog · 21/12/2017 09:27

I agree with greedy for me the damage will have already been done. He’s lied and agreed to meet a woman behind your back

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/12/2017 09:28

Since he has continued to behave suspiciously and is now outright lying to you, it’s perfectly reasonable to have checked his messages. If he tries to turn it around, don’t let him.

The very first thing he can do is track down and rebox every element of that present and courier it back to her with a note saying “Dear X, your gift was so kind that I failed to consider how profoundly disrespectful and hurtful to my wife accepting it would be. I should not have done so and I am returning it now. I apologise if I have done or said anything that made you feel such a gesture was appropriate but I must say clearly that I do not and will never think of you as anything other than a sailing/knitting buddy, Kind regards MrMugofchai.”

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/12/2017 09:29

Then I’d ask him to leave to think over his actions for a few days.

HughLauriesStubble · 21/12/2017 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenoritaViva · 21/12/2017 09:49

Time to talk I think

AlwaysPondering · 21/12/2017 10:23

I actually don't think I could move past this.

He is fucking lying! God knows what will happen on Friday. I doubt telling him you know to give him to chance to stop will help tbh - he'll just lie some more. He knows it doesn't look good so that is why he is lying. So what good will pulling him up on it do?

It just seems super dodgy OP. Flowers

DharmaInitiativeLady · 21/12/2017 10:27

In my bitter experience I think it is better to keep quiet for now. Watchful waiting to see if he actually goes through with this. I don't get the 'nip it in the bud' mantra. If your DP is willing to go through with it and meet a woman that he knows fancies him secretly behind your back, and lie in order to do so, then you need to know. Why prevent him showing you who he really is?

I hope you are okay, OP.
I hope he thinks better of it, OP and backs off xx

PNGirl · 21/12/2017 10:29

Oof. Be careful. You might get the whiny-little-bitch reply of "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this! I'm allowed to have friends! You don't trust me!" etc etc.

I think I would go for the "Is there something you need to tell me about Friday?" approach.

Chikka1971 · 21/12/2017 10:36

If it were me I would take some time off on Friday and catch them in the act doing their hobby. It would be one way to see how he reacts to you with her there when he's caught out. Will he be more concerned with you and your feelings or her and his? I'm so sorry you're going through this OP Thanks

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/12/2017 11:03

Don't let this break you OP, do whatever your gut tells you to do.
The facts are, she is making a play for your DH. I imagine she is persistent and needy.
However, he is lying to you. You know him best.

bigtissue · 21/12/2017 11:08

Do you know where they will be meeting?
Catching them together will focus his mind quite a lot I should imagine.

Humpsfor20yards · 21/12/2017 11:43

Don't fall into the trap that it's all her.
He's lying to you to cover for them- 'workemails' 'shopping' - he's well into her.

SecretSantaaaaaa · 21/12/2017 12:12

Suggest you take Friday off. Then wait for his reaction

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/12/2017 12:23

Oh dear. I was going say it sounds like she fancies him but he's not interested, just not very good at telling her to watch her boundaries, but then saw your update. Can you take tomorrow off? Or call in sick? But don't tell him, go on a spying mission?

FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2017 12:44

Ah right.

Ok, that would be it for me.

You - 'Lazy breakfast for both of us on Friday then!'
Him - 'You what?'
You - 'Oh I've taken the day off too'
Him - panicked surprised look
You - 'Oh no need to look like that, it won't affect your plans. I've taken the day off to pack.'
Him - '?!!?'
You - 'Yes, I'm leaving you. Hopefully I should be done by the time you return from your trip to X with 'Friend', but if you think it's safer, maybe you could go for dinner with her too - I'm sure you can think of a lie to tell me about how you need to do some late night shopping or something. I'll be in touch about arrangements, obviously. Hope you have a lovely day with her.'

You think I'm joking - no.

Regardless of what my long term thoughts would be, this would be my next move.

You have to have zero tolerance here - if you think about it, it really is the only way to get what you want and need. All you need to know is already here - the fact that he lies to you. If you want and need an honest, true partner, then this is the point where you end things. What he then does with that information will lead where it leads, but the important thing that he will then understand in the most devastatingly simple way is that you do not tolerate this shit. Not at all. It doesn't even get to reach the point where he's squaling 'But nothing is going on!'. That doesn't matter. What has happened already, the lies, are beyond your boundaries and there is no negotiation. There may be a second chance, but there is no negotiating 'degrees' of lie, of dishonesty. You don't 'do' lies.

Swipe left for the next trending thread