Should I be worried about DH's 'friend'?

[mugofchai]

I'll attempt to keep this short!

DH has made a female friend through one of his hobbies. At first I didn't think much of it but there have been a few things that have made me worry.

First issue, I had plans to go away one weekend with friends. Earlier that week I was lying in bed and DH's phone started buzzing. I glanced at his phone (he has text previews on his lock screen) and saw messages from this woman about meeting up with him to do their hobby at the weekend. He hadn't mentioned this to me so I asked him what he was planning to do while I was away and again, he didn't mention it. I said I knew he was lying as I'd seen the message preview and he said he didn't mention making plans with her because he'd changed his mind and was going to do something with another (male) friend instead. That turned out to be true so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Two weeks later, a giant parcel turns up for DH. He opened it and it was a gift from this woman. There was no apparent reason for the gift e.g. not his birthday or anything. I said it was weird and made me uncomfortable and he got really defensive and said she's just a friend and I needed to calm down.

Since the gift, he hasn't mentioned her at all. Then last night, DH's phone beeped while he was out of the room. I looked at the screen and could see a text preview from this woman. When he came back, I said "your phone's been buzzing" and he replied "oh, it's just a work email". My heart sank when I knew he lied to me so I waited until he went to sleep and then snooped through his phone. I read through their entire text history - there are hundreds of messages going back over the past few months. There was nothing in them that suggests they are anything more than friends but they are texting almost daily and DH is hiding this. If anything, the conversation seems weird and a bit one sided - most chats are initiated by her and she is sharing a lot of personal/emotional information with him (e.g. looong texts about her mental health). DH doesn't seem to be sharing much with her and is quite abrupt in his responses.

So as the title suggests, should I be worried?

I don't think you can put a time limit on a hobby... as it differs for individuals and the hobby itself.

I think you need your own hobby.... something if your own and if you don't have one ... then spa weekends and the gym are a good hobby.

Nice..relaxing and refreshing.

far far far too long for a hobby - he needs to be with you more imo - youre married! 4 nights a week?! No chance.

So the woman friend you were concerned about does this hobby too. And he spends four nights a week, a whole day at weekends, and goes on two holidays a year involving this hobby.

You must feel as though you are running a B&B, and he's your only customer.

Lets face it if he wanted to he could hide all this activity, not have his texts preview or even use another phone. Sounds like he is being open so not up to anything.

Lol. I hate not knowing the hobby. I reckon gaming. In costumes

Kayaking /playboating in evenings I reckon.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I think the question of how much time to spend on hobbies varies for different couples. Some things to think about:

Does he do half of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping? Or does he show up and expect you to do all that so that he can just breeze in and out and have everything done for him?

Do you have children? Does he see them? Spend time with them? It sounds like he gone so much that many divorced, non custodial fathers spend more time with their kids than he does.

Do you have time and opportunities to do what you want to do?

Does he spend time with you doing things you enjoy, really building the relationship? Date night? Vacations together?

Does the marriage meet your needs for companionship?

I think it would really bother me for my husband to spend so much time on other things that didn't include me, and I think it is OK to tell our spouses that "this isn't what I want for my life. I'm not happy."

Thanks Hip and everyone else.

I do have my own friends and interests but sometimes I get lonely and feel like I'm not a priority to him.

We don't have kids and both work full-time in equally demanding jobs. He's not terrible around the house - he'll do all the basics like cooking and washing up but everything else gets left to me.

I can't describe it very well, but it often feels like he's trying to do the bare minimum to keep me happy, so he can go out and do the things he really wants to do. It's like he's thinking to himself, "if I hoover up today and say something nice to her, she can't be mad at me and I can go out and do the things I want".

We spend some time together (when it slots in around his hobbies) but I've been finding it increasingly difficult as I don't want to join in with his pursuits and it feels like the things I want to do are disappointing to him

In the nicest possible way OP do you think he's spending more time on his hobby because he feels suffocated?

You went through his phone (ok so he doesn't know that) you saw that he wasn't flirting with this woman and yet you still were on to him as if you didn't trust him.

Maybe sit down and talk to him as to why he spends so much time on said hobby. You could then come to some agreement where you find something to do together that you would both enjoy, or agree on a date night once a week.

It's hard to imagine he feels suffocated. I have my own life and I don't get on his case.

He doesn't know I went through his phone and I only did it because a. I found out (by coincidence) that he'd lied to me about texting another woman and b. she sent him a weird gift through the post. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be concerned about those things.

Some other context - we used to live in a flat in the city until 2 years ago, then we bought a house in the country. We were supposed to be settling down and getting ready to start a family. DH now has more access to the outdoors and has no real interest in domestic life so I think that's partly why he's out all the time.

If you have a child with him, you will be a single mother. Even if you stay married to him, you'll be raising the child alone. He's has shown you who he is. He is a man who will do just enough so that you don't divorce him, but doesn't actually give a shit about whether or not you are happy.

I don't think it is unreasonable to try to figure out what the truth is when your spouse lies to you. Once they prove that they aren't going to just tell you what is going on, then you have to figure it out for yourself.

I think it sounds like your relationship is slowly dying. He is acting like a good flat mate, but not a good husband.

He sounds basically very selfish. There are better men and better relationships.

Don't have children with him.

I'd suggest a trial separation.

How long have you been together?

It certainly sounds like you come second to his mysterious hobby - medieval reenactment?