Therapist made me cry today. Told me I'm selfish to not let ds see my NC mum.

[ChocolatePHD]

I posted once before about my therapist pushing for me to face my mum when doing handovers at the door for her having ds. The consensus here was that it was pointless and damaging. I put my foot down anyway and cut contact with my mum.

Last week my mum and sister decided to turn up unannounced and uninvited at ds' play, which I posted about in chat. Me and dh were furious and ds was confused and upset afterwards.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a month and told her the above. She agreed that it was horrendously out of order that they did that, however, she said:

• this was a consequence of me cutting contact with mum and that she did try to tell me I should continue with visits.
• that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.
• that I may not have made the best decision for my ds.
• that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.
• that perhaps after a few weeks I should arrange for my mum to see ds again. I argued that this would reward her behaviour of turning up at the play, therapist conceded maybe we should wait a few weeks extra.
• that because I can't deal/ cope with my mum I should have dh deal with all texts, all drop offs, that my mum is never allowed to come to our house and has to stick to a bunch of rules including that she isn't allowed to talk to ds about me and dh. I argued that if I am so shaken by seeing my mum how can I possibly feel ok and at peace about ds seeing her.
• she said I am running away from the problem and that seeing as mum is now ramping the pressure up I.e coming to the play etc, itd be better if I took control back by allowing visits, maybe at a visitation centre!

I cried a lot during the session, it made me feel so bad and guilty. And like I'd made a mess of things and let everyone down. I told her I feel like I'm fucked and that there is no good way to deal with this.

For background, mum allowed a bullying wanker of a man be verbally abusive, intimidating and sometimes violent for 13 years. She backed him up. My mental health problems started incredibly young and by 16 I was in hospital having stopped eating. I've had MH problems ever since.

Is the therapist right or wrong? Please help.

She is wrong. Some people have lovely mums and can't imagine a grandmother being "that bad" so will minimise.

I think your ‘therapist’ sounds extremely unprofessional.

What qualifications does she have?

I'd seek a second opinion. That isn't therapy, it is one person trying to control you.

Don't go back!

She is SO VERY VERY WRONG.

I am so mad at her on your behalf. Grrr

Do not go back.

What if she is right? She knows much more about you and the situation than we do from one post.

Nothing about that sounds like good advice.

Not to be all ‘ur bubba ur rulz’ but you have instincts about what is and isn’t a good place for your child for a reason.

I can’t not believe a therapist would actively tell a mother to put her child in the path of an abuser!

You need to dump her. With no explanation. And find a therapist who specialises in toxic families

Oh Lord.

You need a new therapist. Seriously. Don't see this one again.

Your mum does not get to see your DS if the relationship between the two of you has broken down. TBH I don't even know where to start with your post because it is all so unbelievably wrong.

Your therapist should not be making you feel guilty in any way.

that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.

This line in particular makes me think your therapist has no capability of being objective in this particular circumstance and may be projecting their own issues on to you.

You are not wrong.

What the actual fuck?! I have no idea to all the background to this but why are you letting her have anything to do with your son and why on earth is your therapist helping facilitate this?! Someone who has done such harm to you shouldn't be anywhere near your child and clearly you can't trust what she is saying or doing while she has him? I'm astounded by what your therapist is saying and also by the fact that you mum has your son full stop. This isn't a parent with rights, you don't have to let her into your sons life and are you sure it isn't harming him to do so?

Please get a new therapist She is wrong to push you (and your DS) towards contact when you don't want it.

She is directing you rather than guiding you/counselling.

I'm a qualified therapist and you never push a patient to do something unless it's in the case of someone on danger. You should come out of therapy feeling clear headed and with purpose/a plan, not feeling like shit. Crying in the session is normal but in a cathartic way.

chocolate

flowers

What PNGirl wrote as well.

That therapist was wrong because that person has a bias about keeping families together despite the presence of abuse or other familial mistreatment. She does not understand abuse nor toxic family structures. This also shows how the wrong therapist can cause more harm than good. Clearly this person also does not understand the machinations of toxic families of origin like yours and the power and control that operates within these.

Please find another therapist as of now and consider also reporting this person to their organisational body if they are a member. Such a person is really not fit to practice.

She is wrong. My ex therapist tried toconvince me that my mum was a victim if my dad She knew very little about the situation. I ditched her.

Wow - you need a new therapist.
That is not what they are supposed to do at all.
Your mother is abusive and toxic.
If she's too toxic for you then she is waaaaay too toxic for a child.

Fuck that.

You're trying to protect yourself and your son. Any therapist who says you need to expose yourself or your family to potential abuse, should probably stop being a therapist. That was hugely irresponsible. I'd find another therapist and continue to protect yourself and your son.

What the hell kind of therapist are you seeing?! For gods sake find someone else and report them.

Bin your therapist, they are absolutely shite.

Find another therapist

I remember many of telling you on the other thread that your therapist sounded utterly unprofessional, and frankly batshit. Off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure I also pointed out that the therapist's continued undermining of your feelings and instincts seemed to risk mirroring your mother's behaviour.

Please just stop seeing this therapist straight away and find a better one - aside from the fact that her advice was shit, no good therapist should be directing you in this way anyway. Once you've left, report her to whichever professional body she's a member of. This kind of behaviour is shocking.

Hugs ((()))
Please find another therapist

Find a new therapist?

Sounds like DS is having a relationship with your DM, just one that doesn't involve you, so I don't understand where the therapist is coming from, in guilt tripping you about how you will feel in the future.

There are, sometimes, anxieties which , by avoiding the thing we're anxious about, the whole situation gets reinforced. This may be true of,eg, spiders. I remain unconvinced it's true of massively more complex and painful situations, like a mother who has caused you such hurt in the past.
And, whatever her view, I think she should be supporting your way forwards. Which takes your feelings into account.

It's red flag judgemental for a therapist to say you've caused your DMs actions (turning up at play) by your behaviour. Your DM is responsible for her own actions.

Might it be helpful to check with her that this was what she meant. That there has been no misunderstanding. If you heard her right, you may well need a new therapist.

I once had a counselor who, in a toxic family situation, was very directive that someone in the family should start a email conversation , because open communication was needed to resolve a practical and emotional matter. I ignored her: round robin emails in a toxic family are a whole world of distress , blame and pain. Shows a complete lack of understanding what its like to have a family where being wary of others and protective of yourself is actually the sane response.

OP, I really am worried that you didn't ditch this therapist after your last thread....please try to see the parallels beween you going back for more shit from this awful therapist, and her emotional blackmail of you into going back for more shit from your mum. Ugh.

I am a therapist - I also say find another

(And what are her qualifications??)

Mum hasn't seen ds at all for about 4 months. She was seeing him once a month for a few months as a trial but it became a panic attack- inducing nightmare for me, I was being asked for more and more time with him and days/ meals out, and then she got really angry at me because I wouldn't let her come round with his birthday presents at his bedtime on a school night. She was really stroppy and rude and wouldn't bend to any other time. I felt like someone had their hand around my throat all the time. It took so much for me mentally to deal with her at the door and the texts.

A year ago she was seeing him every week (when she was seeing me) but then I broke down in therapy and had to distance myself.

I mean mum never hit me. She never called me names. But she backed up my stepdad for years and didn't give a shit about me and has made irresponsible errors with my son including giving him food he is allergic to. I just don't trust her with my precious boy.

Butthe therapist has now made me feel like my son and my mum would be better off with visitation rights and my ds may resent me in the future if I don't allow it.

She also said, when I suggested that my ds could end up favouring mum in the future as I can't censor what she says to him, that maybe it'd be good for him to have someone to talk to as teenagers often hate their parents anyway!