Therapist made me cry today. Told me I'm selfish to not let ds see my NC mum.

[ChocolatePHD]

I posted once before about my therapist pushing for me to face my mum when doing handovers at the door for her having ds. The consensus here was that it was pointless and damaging. I put my foot down anyway and cut contact with my mum.

Last week my mum and sister decided to turn up unannounced and uninvited at ds' play, which I posted about in chat. Me and dh were furious and ds was confused and upset afterwards.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a month and told her the above. She agreed that it was horrendously out of order that they did that, however, she said:

• this was a consequence of me cutting contact with mum and that she did try to tell me I should continue with visits.
• that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.
• that I may not have made the best decision for my ds.
• that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.
• that perhaps after a few weeks I should arrange for my mum to see ds again. I argued that this would reward her behaviour of turning up at the play, therapist conceded maybe we should wait a few weeks extra.
• that because I can't deal/ cope with my mum I should have dh deal with all texts, all drop offs, that my mum is never allowed to come to our house and has to stick to a bunch of rules including that she isn't allowed to talk to ds about me and dh. I argued that if I am so shaken by seeing my mum how can I possibly feel ok and at peace about ds seeing her.
• she said I am running away from the problem and that seeing as mum is now ramping the pressure up I.e coming to the play etc, itd be better if I took control back by allowing visits, maybe at a visitation centre!

I cried a lot during the session, it made me feel so bad and guilty. And like I'd made a mess of things and let everyone down. I told her I feel like I'm fucked and that there is no good way to deal with this.

For background, mum allowed a bullying wanker of a man be verbally abusive, intimidating and sometimes violent for 13 years. She backed him up. My mental health problems started incredibly young and by 16 I was in hospital having stopped eating. I've had MH problems ever since.

Is the therapist right or wrong? Please help.

She is definitely letting her own issues clouding her judgement!!!

Perhaps she wasn't the best Mum back in the day...

Please please find a different therapist. It is thier job to guide your thoughts into a coherent order. They are not there to tell you you are right or wrong. Only you can make that conclusion.
Trust your own instincts when it come to contact etc. I find writing thing down helps sometimes.
But you really need a new person to guide you.

Oh god the more you say about her the worse she sounds!! Please get rid, she's shouldn't be whittering on about her grandkids to you

My mum was NC with her mum when I was a kid. That woman is toxic - keeping me away from her was one of the many wonderful things my mother did for me. She protected me from her toxins - I'm forever grateful for that.

op - as a therapist I often feel clients get their closure and healing when they go NC. It's a very hard, brave but empowering step. She's making you feel like it's a cop out and I don't like that.

As an aside have you been on the stately homes thread on here?

What emotions come into your head when you think about not seeing this therapist any more?

Yes I've been on stately homes from time to time.

I talked to my therapist once about the fact that my mum once bent down and lightly slapped ds' legs when he was having a tantrum. She apologised soon after off her own back but I was horrified and it stuck in my mind. I told the therapist that and she minimised it and said that the older generation did things that way and to not think much of it, and that she herself had walloped her own daughter once really hard as a teenager. But then she also derided my stepdad for his violent times.... doesn't make sense.

And to the person on the previous page who asked if I'm having a hard time ditching the therapist, the answer is yes. I'm so confused. How can she have got me so far but then also made me feel so crap? My head is all over the place, I'm so lost. And I keep hearing her voice in my head saying 'I KNOW you' like she knows me better than I know myself, and I feel like I'm under her spell and can't think for myself. But don't worry I'm listening to you all and I don't want to see her again after today. My husband agrees. I'm just feeling lost.

Notthefordtype: fear, that without her help I'll be lost and will lose the plot mentally or fuck the family situation up.

I would look for another therapist to be honest with you.

Your mother has no rights to your child,legally or morally. Stop the visits. There is no purpose to them. I thought she provided childcare for you!

My dc's haven't ever seen their grandmother. I told them I don't get along with her, and the conversation was over. They don't care.

Also block the therapist and stop seeing her too. Actually, complain about her if you can. There may be some kind of regulating body?!

She actually sounds quite dangerous to me at least in a therapist role, and like she's identifying closely with your mother. I'd be curious about the relationship with her own daughter, but not to the point of actually going back to her. Dump your therapist and your mother is my suggestion

Sounds to me like you're so conditioned by your mother that you feel comfortable with this therapist because she reminds you of her.
Even though you know your mother's behaviour is wrong, it's comfortable because you lived with it so long.
So you stay with a therapist that is basically abusing you because that's how females who are meant to have your best interests at heart treat you. Deep down you feel that's normal.
It isn't. You deserve respect from the females in your life

Please, please change your therapist. I am a grandmother and the most important person in my world is my dgd and I still don't think your child needs to see his grandmother. I had a toxic grandmother who didn't add anything to my life.

But that is by the by. I think a therapist is there to help YOU reach the best decisions, not to make the decisions for you or to tell you what to think.

Get a new therapist.

You can move on from NC. It is not running away.

Sorry she made you cry

You’re not selfish, you’re protecting your DS.

For some reason, your therapist has identified with your mother. All of her advice is what she would want somebody to do for her if she fell out with her child and lost access to her grandchildren.

Also, somehow you have replaced your mother with your therapist. All the ways your mother let you down, your therapist is doing the same. The therapist is NOT your mother, she is NOT your friend, she is a professional who should have put in much firmer boundaries. She's a disgrace to her profession.

For you protection you need

Op, ditch the therapist. She is identifying with your mother.

Also realise it will be hard to ditch the therapist because she is identified with your mother. still no reason you can't do it.

Like talkin said this therapist is NOT your friend and NOT good for you. Ditch her, find another therapist and do what you need to do to mind yourself. I never knew any of my grandparents and I had a fab childhood.

Ditch her. Don't go back. Find another. But ditch this one immediately.

And remember - tatiana is just a thick goady fucker- so pay no attention.

I would report her to BACP if she really is accredited. She is in a position of trust and she is abusing that trust.

Just another therapist here adding to the chorus. Somehow a terribly unfortunate dynamic is being played out with her in the position of your mother. She should know better, and be having decent supervision to prevent things like this happening.

It's entirely possible that she has been able to do helpful work with you in the past, and that this is not happening now. It doesn't mean you should continue working with her.

It's entirely possible that she is using deeply unethical manoeuvres to keep you working with her and doing what she thinks best. She is not likely to be consciously aware that she is doing this. She is not thinking clearly. She is not safe for you to work with.

You might feel scared of facing the world without her. You might not feel you are ready to finish therapy yet. Ending with her doesn't need to be the end of therapy - it may sound daunting but you can find someone else, and they are likely to be so much more helpful. Maybe ask about someone who has experience of working with abusive families. Good luck.

I would go as far as to say that this therapist, for purposes of her own that do not so much break her professional code of conduct as smash it to pieces and stamp on the pieces for good measure, is colluding with your mother in your continued abuse.

Your instinct to pull away from your mother is right and this woman is attempting to destroy and silence it.

She is not good for you. This is another reltaionship you need to end now.

Thank you.

I just sent an email which literally says thank you for all your help but I won't come back to therapy anymore.

I feel like a total heel but I know I don't want to go back and so many people are telling me it's the right thing to do.

I spoke to dh about it and he said that ultimately it has to be my decision re my mum because nobody else is in my position and that some of what the therapist said was rubbish. And he gave me a big bear hug.

I feel angry and confused still, it's like she's in my head. I can't believe she said that considering my mum had ramped up her campaign that I have to think about visits now. And that I should let ds make the decision. And that I've put my own needs before my family. She also said a few sessions ago 'not everything is about you'! And yesterday when I was crying and saying how shit I felt she said about try to put all this to one side and enjoy xmas. I said I'm not very good at that. And I looked up and saw her roll her eyes as she said 'well let's have a go shall we'.

I can't believe on top of everything else my bloody therapist has made me feel like I'm wrong to feel how I do, and laid extra uncertainty and guilt on me!

I've had such a frightening history with my MH. I feel v afraid now like I'm cast adrift into outer space without my space suit on.

Well done op. You’ve done the right thing to stop with this therapist. It took a lot of strength and courage so be proud of yourself. You’ve don’t this with your therapist so it shows you can do this with your mum too.

Are you able to find a new therapist?

Well done! Think of it as a practice at putting up healthy boundaries and insisting on your right not to be humiliated, dismissed and emotionally abused by someone in a position of power. Can you treat yourself as a small frightened child who needs loads of TLC now because you've been brave and done a scary thing?
Once you're out of it you might start remembering more hurtful stuff, maybe use writing to get it out, stop it reverberating round your head.
It is really hard to get out of emotionally abusive relationships when you also feel you are dependent on that person- it replicates childhood emotional abuse and so don't let anyone dismiss the difficulty or achievement of what you did. I'm really sorry you have gone through this.

Yes Well Done, you say you feel cast adrift, but you recognised that this appalling therapist was actually not helping or understanding you.
The whole point of therapy was to understand your feelings & reactions, & become stronger, this person stomped all over the abuse you received & said, "why not let the GM have a chance to continue via your own child".
NO.
You have a lovely child, a lovely husband who understands you & your history with your mother.
Please defriend her on fb so she is not aware of any eventual school events, do not feel obliged to speak to her over Xmas, just close that door, & go NC. It will do you so much good, will allow you to recover & find a new therapist when you are ready.

Thank you. I received an email reply from her that contained this line:

I really do hope you find a way to be at peace with the situation and more in control of how the future looks.

The 'more in control' part refers to what she said yesterday, that in her view taking control is allowing my mum some visitation so that mum doesn't start popping up places like she did at the play. To me that seemed so wrong, to award that behaviour with visitation, and in my mind control is going NC. Limited contact was fraught with panic attacks, text messages asking for more and fear of what she would say or ask for next. So I mean yeah, we now have a situation where we risk bumping into my mum out somewhere which would be icky and unpleasant, or her popping up somewhere, but she has been blocked via all lines of communication and the school has instruction to not give ds to anyone else, so what else can she do?

She said “Not everything is about you”

Jeez, she sounds unhinged. The only therapists I’ve ever seen are exactly about me and no one else. So glad you’ve ditched her. Go and see mental Jim down the pub - he’ll set you right . Joking, of course but hopefully you can have a good Xmas, and find a good therapist in the New Year who can help you.

I think you need to put her in the same category as your mother. Her blatant dismissal of your feelings, the eye rolling, the stamping all over your boundaries is classic narc behaviour. It seems like she has decided what is wrong with you and come hell or high water, she will make you fit that mould.

None of us here can explain narc behaviour. It really just doesn’t make sense. You can’t understand it, because you couldn’t imagine putting your son in such dangerous and toxic position. It just doesn’t make sense.

You are looking at this therapist and trying to understand what she is doing. But you can’t, just like you can’t explain why your mother abused you.

Don’t get on that merry go round. You won’t be able to, because it doesn’t make sense.

I can try to understand my mother. He dismissive father, her struggling, weak mother etc. But I could never look at my son and say the things she said to me. I couldn’t look at the hurt those words cause and walk away.

But it is what it is. It is a hard hard thing to accept I won’t understand it. But I work on ensuring I never repeat it.

Put the therapist in the same box as your Mum. Two women who will never make sense.

Love your son and your husband and spoil yourselves this Christmas. In the new year, start looking for another therapist, but ask what their stance is on contact with toxic families. If they advocate for nc when necessary, then explore further. If not, move on.