Therapist made me cry today. Told me I'm selfish to not let ds see my NC mum.

[ChocolatePHD]

I posted once before about my therapist pushing for me to face my mum when doing handovers at the door for her having ds. The consensus here was that it was pointless and damaging. I put my foot down anyway and cut contact with my mum.

Last week my mum and sister decided to turn up unannounced and uninvited at ds' play, which I posted about in chat. Me and dh were furious and ds was confused and upset afterwards.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a month and told her the above. She agreed that it was horrendously out of order that they did that, however, she said:

• this was a consequence of me cutting contact with mum and that she did try to tell me I should continue with visits.
• that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.
• that I may not have made the best decision for my ds.
• that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.
• that perhaps after a few weeks I should arrange for my mum to see ds again. I argued that this would reward her behaviour of turning up at the play, therapist conceded maybe we should wait a few weeks extra.
• that because I can't deal/ cope with my mum I should have dh deal with all texts, all drop offs, that my mum is never allowed to come to our house and has to stick to a bunch of rules including that she isn't allowed to talk to ds about me and dh. I argued that if I am so shaken by seeing my mum how can I possibly feel ok and at peace about ds seeing her.
• she said I am running away from the problem and that seeing as mum is now ramping the pressure up I.e coming to the play etc, itd be better if I took control back by allowing visits, maybe at a visitation centre!

I cried a lot during the session, it made me feel so bad and guilty. And like I'd made a mess of things and let everyone down. I told her I feel like I'm fucked and that there is no good way to deal with this.

For background, mum allowed a bullying wanker of a man be verbally abusive, intimidating and sometimes violent for 13 years. She backed him up. My mental health problems started incredibly young and by 16 I was in hospital having stopped eating. I've had MH problems ever since.

Is the therapist right or wrong? Please help.

change your therapist.

that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.

What is wrong with that? Why does the OP have to put prioritise others instead of herself? Because she is a woman? Tons of children (I was one) grow up without contact with grandparents - mine were all dead. Tons of men don't have any mothers in law. OP does have a toxic relationship with her mother. Why on earth should she have to still suck up that toxicity to give her son a relationship which at best he wouldn't miss and at worst will be just as toxic.

Please chocolate find another therapist to work with as of now. This particular person has caused no end of harm to you here. This therapist should not be practising.

Where did you find this person?. I would certainly report this individual as well to their governing body are they a member of one?.

Your mother was a poor parent to you and she is a poor example of a grandparent figure to your DS. Remember also that is she is too toxic for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child as well. You are doing the right thing by protecting your son, your most precious of resources, from her.

I haven't had time to read all the messages but your therapist has crossed the line.

I also have NC with my mother and believe that by doing that I am saving my children from her bullying and manipulation.

You are putting your kids first.

just saw your last post. Your therapist sounds like she read a paint-by-numbers book on how to be a therapist.

Your mother's chief interest in your son appears to be to control you, cause you pain, and make herself feel better about what she did. Otherwise she would be careful of your boundaries, would not demand anything, would be glad to see him when you said.

Do yourself a favour, change your therapist and realise your mother isn't an essential in your life or your son's life. He can talk to his friend's mum or his soccer coach if he needs another adult in his teen years - the way everyone else does.

She's wrong. Find a new therapist.
I'm disgusted with her. Don't go back.
Your son..your decision.

Therapists ‘making’ people cry isn’t necessarily a red flag (at all imo). But the rest of this? Find an other therapist, please.

Er, what sort of therapist is she? Is she accredited with any sort of professional body?

Are you sure this person is a qualified therapist?

They should be helping you to make your own decisions/come to your own conclusions not making lots of suggestions about what you 'should' do.

Your therapist is a fucking idiot. Please never go back to see her. You deserve proper and non-judgmental support

hmmm I think you need a new therapist, because the trust is gone.

I don't think they are necessarily wrong about whether your son might resent your decisions...but you have to remember that just because someone MIGHT resent a decision you have made int eh future, does NOT mean that decision is actually wrong.

We make decisions all the time that our children may well resent us for, and that doesn't make any of them wrong.

I think your therapist has wildly under-estimated the impact this latest incident has had on you and hasn't realised how inappropriate their approach is in light of this.

What kind of therapist? What are her qualifications?

Good grief.

Time for a new therapist!

Ignore her.

The therapist is crap, this is absolute bullshit.
Ditch this person immediately

Is this a BACP therapist? There are a code of ethics she must abide by... and if you were going back to her...I'd ask if she is putting your needs first (as her client) in accordance with the ethical framework.

This is about your needs and the client always comes first.

I think it matters less about her advice (which I don't think is good) but that she is being so directive. I have been challenged by my therapist but she has never pushed her views on me. Not even close to what you have detailed.

In fact sometimes I'd like her to tell me what to do and she persists with helping me work out my own solutions.

I would find a different therapist. And tell her you felt she really pushed me opinions on you. It's better she knows.

Get a new therapist. She doesn't know what's best for you and shouldn't be pushing you in a direction you don't want to go. As if you need all this blaming yourself and guilt tripping. She sounds bonkers IMHO. She's the one who needs a therapist not you.

Yes, check she's BACP registered.

Argh. That doesn't sound right - time for a new therapist.

I once had a therapist do something very similar - I went for help with various problems I was having with my sister and suddenly she was trying to push me into doing/saying all sorts of things that didn't feel right at all. I found out later that the therapist had a lot of issues with HER sister...

To those asking her qualifications, her website says BACP accredited amongst other things.

I feel embarrassed that I posted before, was told not to go back, went back again and am now upset again. I do feel guilty because she helped me so much to get my head straight and walk away from my mum. I feel guilty and like she must be right because she originally helped me. But also doubtful that she is if that makes sense! I don't have any confidence in my own judgements.

Trust you instinct OP.

Your Therapist is an absolute bully. Dump her . You do not have to stay with an unsuitable therapist and have the right to ask for another one.

We don't know your whole story and likely neither does the therapist - so we can't know if she is on the right path for you...but if she is misjudging how you are feeling and making sessions unbearable...or if you don't trust her to be getting things right for you then its time to find someone else regardless.

Sorry to hear that your therapist is making you feel this way. I've seen a few different kinds of mental health professional over the years from councilor to psychiatrist and NONE OF THEM have ever told me what to do. I see a few other posts saying the same thing - so really I would question whether the person you are seeing really understands their role, either way, if it's leaving you in pieces then it's not the right advice at the right time. See someone else, just like any profession there are the good and not so good, but also the one that's right for you at this stage, which might not be the same as would be right for someone else or you at a different time. If you have a choice then try again with someone else.

Even if her website says accredited. Check the BACP website that she is actually registered. I had a physio who wasn't registered with all the associations they claimed to be.