Therapist made me cry today. Told me I'm selfish to not let ds see my NC mum.

[ChocolatePHD]

I posted once before about my therapist pushing for me to face my mum when doing handovers at the door for her having ds. The consensus here was that it was pointless and damaging. I put my foot down anyway and cut contact with my mum.

Last week my mum and sister decided to turn up unannounced and uninvited at ds' play, which I posted about in chat. Me and dh were furious and ds was confused and upset afterwards.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a month and told her the above. She agreed that it was horrendously out of order that they did that, however, she said:

• this was a consequence of me cutting contact with mum and that she did try to tell me I should continue with visits.
• that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.
• that I may not have made the best decision for my ds.
• that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.
• that perhaps after a few weeks I should arrange for my mum to see ds again. I argued that this would reward her behaviour of turning up at the play, therapist conceded maybe we should wait a few weeks extra.
• that because I can't deal/ cope with my mum I should have dh deal with all texts, all drop offs, that my mum is never allowed to come to our house and has to stick to a bunch of rules including that she isn't allowed to talk to ds about me and dh. I argued that if I am so shaken by seeing my mum how can I possibly feel ok and at peace about ds seeing her.
• she said I am running away from the problem and that seeing as mum is now ramping the pressure up I.e coming to the play etc, itd be better if I took control back by allowing visits, maybe at a visitation centre!

I cried a lot during the session, it made me feel so bad and guilty. And like I'd made a mess of things and let everyone down. I told her I feel like I'm fucked and that there is no good way to deal with this.

For background, mum allowed a bullying wanker of a man be verbally abusive, intimidating and sometimes violent for 13 years. She backed him up. My mental health problems started incredibly young and by 16 I was in hospital having stopped eating. I've had MH problems ever since.

Is the therapist right or wrong? Please help.

Sack the therapist. She is selling you snake oil.

Please do find another therapist. I’m seeing a counsellor atm, and she just explores possibilities and avenues of action and decision making with me. She never tells me what to do, but will give suggestions and so on and help me work things out for myself.

Are counsellors different from therapists? I have had counselling before, and she was very like the one I have now in her approach.

It sounds like your therapist is perhaps quite newly qualified, and doesn’t understand toxic relationships and how damaging they are.

FGS! Your mum gave your ds food he was allergic to! Together with her determination to be in the driving seat, it’s dangerous for him to be with her. You’ve tried. Now you can stop. What good is your ds going to get from having a relationship with a woman who is like she is? If it is so bad for your mh - and quite understandable that it is - then continuing to enable that relationship with his gran could bring about the loss of his mum. Worth that risk? Hell no!

A good Therapist will not leave you feeling 'pushed' in any direction.
I'd trust your instincts and seek another in your shoes.

i remember your other threads. you have to trust your instincts. and that is to keep your ds away from your mum. she clearly doesn't have his best interests at heart if she's feeding him food he's allergic to.

get a new therapist.

A proper therapist's job isn't to pass judgment on you, nor tell you what you should do.
it doesn't matter if she is right or not. it is not her place to say such things to you.
Get rid and find another.

I remember your other thread. I'm so sorry you've gone back to this "therapist" and they have made you doubt yourself yet again.

People come into life for a season sometimes and it's hard to recognise when that season is over and their useful influence has ended. It sounds like she really helped you do the first stage of healing/dealing with DM. But that she's not going to be of any more help now.

Time to find someone else who will help you through this next stage of the journey.

I would add that your past experiences have made you more susceptible to feelings of guilt and obligation to people who aren't safe or supportive. The therapist must be tapping into some of this early programming for you to be doubting yourself and going back to her.

The therapist has stepped way over the boundaries of her role.

You shouldn't go back to her, she is doing you more harm than good.

Get rid, your DS needs a Mum who is mentally healthy and stable over a bullying manipulative grandparent!

None of mine would EVER have said those things!

Get a new therapist, please.

It is very hard to walk away from a therapist, because you invest a lot of time and energy. But they are not all fantastic - I had one who wrote to me telling me how I had 'failed' at therapy!

It is important to draw your boundaries and have a therapist who respects them. Meet different therapists in looking for a new one - you will realise quickly who you click with and don't, and it can be empowering to walk away and recognise that something is not right for you.

I have previously had a therapist and a psychologist.. Apart from one occasion when I was doing something he considered to be life threatening I was never directed what to do..

Exploring options, what you can do is part of it . But no one should feel they should do something.

You will never have the confidence to make decisions if you follow a therapist blindly.

I am NC with my mum and it would not be in my DS's to see my mum.

You know everything .. You decide what is right for your DS with your DH.

Yes, absolutely look around for a different therapist. It's a relationship and if it doesn't work for you, find one that does. As many others have said, this person seems to be pushing you to a particular course of action for her own reasons.

It sounds like she's friends with your mum, or your situation is too close to home for her.
Some people go into certain professions because they enjoy being relied on and are controlling. Like my mother.

you need a new therapist. Shes projecting her own family ideals onto you. Dangerous stuff

I know a qualified practising therapist, shes a nasty piece of work.
Just because someone is qualified, doesnt mean they're someone you should be listening to.

My aunt was single and childless. Her world was a romance from the books where her dream hero has a glamorous name, a certain hair and eye colour and will sweep her off her feet and give her the world.
It didn't work out like that but when I was born, she decided I am going to be the child she has never had. Kind of like Marilla and Anne of the Green Gables. Only I wasn't an orphan but that was totally ignored and the gobshite of my father played along because he liked the fact that his family indulged his total lack of ability to be a proper father as it enabled them to meddle in his own family affairs (i.e. wife + children). He would belittle and insult DM, especially when after having visited his family who never missed out on a chance to bring up any possible faults my DM had.
She would have me every weekend. She would throw a hissy fit or get hysterical when I was away for summer holidays, with my Mum's parents. I never knew as a child why I would have to suddenly leave my GPs I really loved and go to stay with my other DM on my own.
When I grew up, started dating, studied and lived elsewhere, she had a nervous breakdown. Her therapist called my DM and told her that she has to order us, her grown up children, to spend more time with our aunt, especially me. She wouldn't accept my DM's explanation that she can't order her grown up children around and maintain a status quo when the circumstances had change because my dear auntie was crying and her family were telling the therapist horror stories about how my DM tried to break the unique relationship between my aunt and myself.
I am almost NC with my aunt now and it's not because of my DM. I get nervous when I have to see her at family occasions and can't stand being close to her. For all I care she can go and f herself. Sideways. I am especially angry as she is trying to do the same with my niece, fortunately my sister and her husband know how she is and wouldn't tolerate it.

Adding to the chorus of get a new therapist. My therapist doesn't always agree with my choices and we quite often disagree/I am stupidly stubborn but he would never dream of telling me what to do and, most importantly, I always feel like he's got my back and fighting my corner.

You need a new therapist.

My dd doesn’t see my mum. I’m obviously NC as well. Years ago when I was considering going NC a lot of MNers rightly told me I had to go NC in order to emotionally protect dd and if I didn’t I was putting her at risk of harm. Sometimes grandparents can be that toxic.

OP, it is not a therapist's job to tell you what to do. Contrary to popular belief, therapists do not offer advice; that's not part of their remit. Their remit is to help you to make sense of your own experience, whatever that may be and no matter the choices you make.

Unfortunately, there are therapists out there who shouldn't be practising; the mental healthy industry tends to attract a lot of untreated wounded healers who then end up wounding their patients.

I have a sense that, instead of getting a therapist who acts professionally, what you have in your current therapist is a mother figure who is violating the same boundaries that your mother did and continues to do.

You have a right to choose, and to feel safe, and to do what you want to do without shame, guilt or coercion, no matter how 'professional' the source of that coercion says it is. Go back to the BACP and report her - if she's a member, that is - and see if you can find someone who can support you unconditionally, and who maintains scrupulous ethical standards.

Best of luck.

• mental health

Do you know if she's person centred, humanistic psychoanalytical or integrative. I'd be interested in what approach she's using with you ...but no matter what the approach she should bit be di directive...and push you to do what you clearly don't want to do.

I think she's got her own agenda and isn't focussing on you.

You are the client. Not your mum or your son.

She is a VERY poor therapist!

Honestly find a new one and please see about reporting her just in case next time she offers her 'advice' to someone literally on the edge.

You need to stop going to this therapist, they are so wrong they shouldn't be doing the job. I'd make a strong complaint to their governing body.
The role of therapy is to assist the patient in seeing things objectively, facing up to issues, address them and move on.

Therapy is NEVER about the therapist, they should remain impartial and unemotional throughout. Your therapist has failed on both counts.

Thank you all for your input.

I'm thinking back over all our sessions and she has told me what to do on several occasions, including what to write in letters to my mum- literally she was dictating and I was writing down- and although I disagreed with what she said I didn't feel I could speak up. I felt I had to bow to her knowledge and write what she said. I should have trusted my instincts and said what I felt inside I needed to say. Thankfully I listened months later and put it all in an email but I should have listened to my gut- which said I needed to answer to what my mum had said rather than not and hold it all in for months. The therapist told me not to answer back with how I felt and to move forward with visits instead.

She also encouraged me to press on with mum taking ds out once a month, despite me having to take Valium to cope with it and feeling dreadful over it. It will get better, she said. Who cares what your mother thinks or says, she said. But my gut feeling was that it was far more important for ds to have a healthy mother than a once a month visit with grandma. She said 'once a month, what's that, really?' Like what was I making a fuss about.

I think that her understanding of my mental standpoint was lacking and I don't know why she is so hellbent on ds having visitation with her- she isn't his parent and he has nice friends and other adults in his life. How on earth can it be right that I have to send him off with someone when it sits so wrong with me?

But she made out that I was selfish for that and 'running away'. I said to her it is my instinct to protect him and this entirely goes against my instinct.

'I KNOW you really well' she said. And I started to doubt myself again.

Please don't feel embarrassed, OP - it sounds like she's pushing a lot of buttons. But do give her the boot - you have resounding permission from us all

Sandy I don't know which approach she uses.