Therapist made me cry today. Told me I'm selfish to not let ds see my NC mum.

[ChocolatePHD]

I posted once before about my therapist pushing for me to face my mum when doing handovers at the door for her having ds. The consensus here was that it was pointless and damaging. I put my foot down anyway and cut contact with my mum.

Last week my mum and sister decided to turn up unannounced and uninvited at ds' play, which I posted about in chat. Me and dh were furious and ds was confused and upset afterwards.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a month and told her the above. She agreed that it was horrendously out of order that they did that, however, she said:

• this was a consequence of me cutting contact with mum and that she did try to tell me I should continue with visits.
• that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.
• that I may not have made the best decision for my ds.
• that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.
• that perhaps after a few weeks I should arrange for my mum to see ds again. I argued that this would reward her behaviour of turning up at the play, therapist conceded maybe we should wait a few weeks extra.
• that because I can't deal/ cope with my mum I should have dh deal with all texts, all drop offs, that my mum is never allowed to come to our house and has to stick to a bunch of rules including that she isn't allowed to talk to ds about me and dh. I argued that if I am so shaken by seeing my mum how can I possibly feel ok and at peace about ds seeing her.
• she said I am running away from the problem and that seeing as mum is now ramping the pressure up I.e coming to the play etc, itd be better if I took control back by allowing visits, maybe at a visitation centre!

I cried a lot during the session, it made me feel so bad and guilty. And like I'd made a mess of things and let everyone down. I told her I feel like I'm fucked and that there is no good way to deal with this.

For background, mum allowed a bullying wanker of a man be verbally abusive, intimidating and sometimes violent for 13 years. She backed him up. My mental health problems started incredibly young and by 16 I was in hospital having stopped eating. I've had MH problems ever since.

Is the therapist right or wrong? Please help.

Chocolate, you need a serious change in your life and it has nothing to do with your NC Mum. You need a new therapist who helps you instead of bringing you down.

The therapist sounds like she has some serious issues.

For a child having a happy mother is very important and will greatly influence their life.

For a child whether their DGM is even around is not remotely important a deal. My DCs didn't see DGMs as they lived the other end of the country. It really didn't matter. It's you and their day to day lives that are important. Dump therapist.

The more you write, the more she sounds like a toxic parent herself.

No wonder you went back. It was familiar and she reaffirmed the narrative your mother has been conditioning you with your whole life.

You need someone who will listen to you, respect your decisions and not tell you to expose yourself, and you child, to an abuser.

My god the ‘I know you’ please! She doesn’t. And she certainly doesn’t know your mum

And the... ‘it’s only once a month’! Has she never had any experience with someone who has experienced abuse??

You have been told not to trust yourself. But I think your instincts are on the money with regards to your Mum and her.

It is most certainly more important for your DS that you are healthy and at peace than that he spends time with a grandparent who threatens that. Ditch this therapist. She sounds like she has mother/grandmother issues of her own she's projecting into your situation.

I'm a therapist, train therapists, have toxic mum, am in therapy. I am certain this therapist isn't right for you and your situation. She might be a good person, but for you and this problem she is misinformed and misguided.
For comparison, my therapist is fairly directive, gives me suggestions, reading, homework tasks etc- never has she told me what I should do in relation to contact with my mum, even when I've asked. She has helped me think about my options but been clear it is my decision. What you say about dictating a letter for you is where it crosses a line into definite bad practice.
It's hard because with attachment issues you question your own feelings and thoughts, so you're more vulnerable to the pressures of others. You need a less directive, more supportive therapist.

Also accreditation status isn't that protective - looks through the disciplinary site of the bacp for some warnings.
There are lots of great therapists out there- move on, it's really fine to do so! It's not working for either of you. And try not to criticise yourself about this- most of us have a few therapy encounters under our belt before we hit the right one (like choosing partners- sometimes your first one is not The One).

As a therapist I strongl urge you to find another therapist, she's not the one for you.
What modality is she working in?
Just because she is BACP registered doesn't make her a good therapist, ethical framework is still only a guideline and means she passed the test to be registered doesn't mean she works within the guidelines sadly

Hang on... didn’t we all tell you last time to get a new therapist after the last episode of really dodgy advice? Seriously, you’d be better off going down the pub and talking to mental Jim about your problems..

Mammaagata, yes you did, I've already addressed that and said I was embarrassed for going back.

You guys have made some v good points.

What really stuck out was that she has made me doubt my gut instincts about what's right for me. That's not right is it. if I'm sitting there saying how awful it makes me feel and how much I don't feel right about ds visits I would hope the therapist would support me and encourage me to follow my gut, not go against my own feeling and put myself in a horribly anxious situation.

Selfishcrab- I'm not sure about modality, she's a counsellor/ psychotherapist if that helps. She does a lot of couples and family therapy.

No worries Chocolate regardless of modality she is working in a way that is not right for you.
Please don't feel you have to stay with her, over the last 30 years I have had quite a few therapists, some I didn't like, some I couldn't talk to even though I like them but you do find a fit even if you have to keep looking.
Just because she good for others doesn't mean she will be good for you, it doesn't work like that and any good therapist would understand if you didn't go back.

I'm with all PPs who say find a new therapist but I wanted to say in the meantime don't blame yourself. You have been pushed when very vulnerable and we all doubt ourselves, even gut isn't

As I said much earlier, your therapist knows you and the situation much more than us from posts on Mumsnet.

And it's ok to be challenged by your therapist. They aren't just there to agree with you all the time and feel sorry for you.

To be honest OP you sound a bit dramatic and like you expect too much from fellow human beings.

Sorry posted too soon...
Even gut instincts are easy to ignore when you're confused
You have done nothing wrong and you can make changes now by finding a therapist who is right for you and going NC again - your boy won't be missing out if that's what you decide to do and you can start trusting yourself again
Don't beat yourself about it.

@ChocolatePHD my therapist was all about me trusting my instinct and working out what was right for me, working out what I wanted.

Obviously he knew I don't have narcissistic traits!!!

I wonder if you should report yours? It sounds like their own agenda is still at play which is unprofessional and downright dangerous

TitaniasCloset - what sort of therapist DICTATES LETTERS to someone?!

Titania - The third line of your post contradicts your first: you say the therapist knows the OP better than us, yet you make a sweeping pronouncement.

A therapist dictating a letter is not a "therapist" in any modality I've heard of.

To be honest OP you sound a bit dramatic and like you expect too much from fellow human beings.

what a cunty thing to say to a woman who is clearly having a hard time.

As well as being untrue. Who the fuck thinks it is too much to expect your mother to defend you from abuse??? Might want to see your own therapist about that one.

Apologies if someone has said this already, but is your therapist grandmother-age? If so, she could be over-sympathizing with your mother because she identifies with her and couldn't imagine being separated from her grandchildren and therefore projecting on to you? Just a though.

Good luck though - I agree with the general consensus - unless you DS is very attached to her and it would hurt him for contact to be stopped, I think it's time to find a new therapist!

Terminate that therapist now (as in don't go back at all, you aren't obliged to) and find yourself another one. She's overstepping her boundaries and it sounds like she might be bringing her own shit to the table. Which is so inappropriate.

I auditioned therapists recently and I saw three before I found someone I wanted to see again. One of them I described an incident where my boss had got annoyed with me because I had to get her to do something she should have done anyway so I showed her up as not having done her job. This therapist started off on one about how I shamed my boss and did I think that was a good thing to do?! I didn't go back. I don't want to be paying to be told off week after week.

The second one nodded a lot and not much else. No chemistry.

The one I chose to see again was polite, quiet and respectful.

The therapeutic relationship is so important.

My therapist backed me up at every point when I went NC with my parents.

In fact, when I told her how awful my parents had been she asked me how I thought it would be helpful to my children to encourage them to have a relationship with my parents.

She made me realise how damaging my parents were, and how I needed to protect my children from them.

Your therapist sounds dangerous.

I don't blame you at all for listening to your therapist, OP. It's what we're trained to do. But I strongly advise you to stop seeing her immediately and to find a new therapist. One who understands abusive relationships. This one doesn't.

Bloody hell. Ditch her then complain to her practice principal and the professional body to which she is affiliated. Completely not on.

titaniascloset wow thanks! Have you ever been what I've been through? Maybe you'd sound a bit 'over dramatic' then too! she has challenged some things which have been v helpful. But at the end of the day she is one person and I don't have to agree with everything she says.

In hindsight, I've definitely had questionnable "gut instincts". But my therapist helped me work through my thoughts/feelings and was encouraging - she saw emerging gut feelings as a very positive step towards autonomy. And always I feel supported. She has most definitely encouraged me to consider what I think of her input, not to just accept it. Repeated message that she might not always get it right. I simply cannot imagine her telling me she knows best.

I am guessing that just leaving is not so easy OP? Despite that you (understandably) aren't happy with how things have been going, i can see how the idea of termination could be difficult anyway?

fiere yes she is a grandmother herself and has at various times made comments about her close relationship to her own grandchildren!

She seems to be saying at times that she doesn't think I can move on by going NC, like it's a cop out and 'running away'. And that limited contact must somehow be better in her view. I do not understand how. I need a therapist to tell me it's ok if I have to move on with my life and to help me work on that, not keep trying to harp on about arranging these painful meet ups. Maybe she does have it in her mind that the grandchild/ grandparent bond is important from her own point of view, I don't know. She does mention her own grandchildren a fair amount.

She mentioned a while back that I should grant ds 'the autonomy' to make the decision about his seeing my mum himself. As dh said, ds is happy to hang about with just about anyone who gives him sweets and toys, he doesn't know what's best for himself or for us.

And the fact that she said that I haven't put the two of them before my own needs in this awful situation has cut like a knife. I'm the one in this fucking situation! Nobody else went through it all, the violence, the fear, the wanting to kill myself from about 10 years old onwards! I used to wander round the village on my own crying, bang my head on my wardrobe doors, pack my bag to run away, and ring childline from phone boxes. Not one other person went through all that.

Everyone else (therapist!) can have an opinion on how I should deal with it but no one else went through it all and still has to deal with it now.

But hey. I'm just being over dramatic, according to Tatania up there.