Therapist made me cry today. Told me I'm selfish to not let ds see my NC mum.

[ChocolatePHD]

I posted once before about my therapist pushing for me to face my mum when doing handovers at the door for her having ds. The consensus here was that it was pointless and damaging. I put my foot down anyway and cut contact with my mum.

Last week my mum and sister decided to turn up unannounced and uninvited at ds' play, which I posted about in chat. Me and dh were furious and ds was confused and upset afterwards.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a month and told her the above. She agreed that it was horrendously out of order that they did that, however, she said:

• this was a consequence of me cutting contact with mum and that she did try to tell me I should continue with visits.
• that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.
• that I may not have made the best decision for my ds.
• that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.
• that perhaps after a few weeks I should arrange for my mum to see ds again. I argued that this would reward her behaviour of turning up at the play, therapist conceded maybe we should wait a few weeks extra.
• that because I can't deal/ cope with my mum I should have dh deal with all texts, all drop offs, that my mum is never allowed to come to our house and has to stick to a bunch of rules including that she isn't allowed to talk to ds about me and dh. I argued that if I am so shaken by seeing my mum how can I possibly feel ok and at peace about ds seeing her.
• she said I am running away from the problem and that seeing as mum is now ramping the pressure up I.e coming to the play etc, itd be better if I took control back by allowing visits, maybe at a visitation centre!

I cried a lot during the session, it made me feel so bad and guilty. And like I'd made a mess of things and let everyone down. I told her I feel like I'm fucked and that there is no good way to deal with this.

For background, mum allowed a bullying wanker of a man be verbally abusive, intimidating and sometimes violent for 13 years. She backed him up. My mental health problems started incredibly young and by 16 I was in hospital having stopped eating. I've had MH problems ever since.

Is the therapist right or wrong? Please help.

I don't see how giving in to the other person, and doing something you're profoundly uncomfortable with, is you 'taking control'. Your therapist sounds desperate to justify this course of action for you. Taking control would be supporting you in you deciding on your own course. You've definitely done the right thing ditching this therapist. She may have helped you deal with things earlier, but she wasn't helping you become your own person.

@aussiebean, you’ve got it spot on. I was discussing narcissistic behaviour with a friend yesterday and said a similar thing. Basically that there’s no point negotiating, discussing, reasoning with a narc because they are on a totally different logical wavelength to ‘normal’ people who are in control of their emotions and have empathy. They literally will never make sense to us and we will never get them to see sense. You’re well shot OP.

I think you did the right thing in ending your relationship with this therapist. She might well have helped you at times, but our needs change: it's like footwear. Sometimes you need a comfortable pair of slippers, sometimes you need wellies. You're at the stage of needing better, more precise therapy, and this therapist can't do that for you.

I do hope you'll find someone better suited. But you have done the right thing for now.

Well done, OP

This isn't a step that casts you adrift - it's a step towards supporting your own feelings and trusting your instincts. I'm sure you can find a therapist who can help you with that, as that's what any decent therapist should be doing. What a brave move, taking yourself out of that yucky dynamic xx

Thank you.

Sometimes you need a comfortable pair of slippers, sometimes you need wellies i love this analogy!

As we were leaving for school this morning there was a card through the door for ds. He opened it and it was from my sister with £10 inside. Dh wants to post it back through her door and just give the £10 to ds ourselves (because she rocked up to the nativity play with my mum unannounced and uninvited last week). I'm afraid to do that because I know it will make my family feel more justified in thinking I'm a bad person- at the same time..... I dunno.

Your 'therapist' is clearly not cut out for her role. I would check her credentials and, more importantly, find a new therapist.

Chocolate

Get rid of the card by shredding it (do not give this any more power) and keep the money; do not return it or acknowledge this in any way. If you return this they know they have you then and will bother you even more.

Your sister and in turn your mother continue to attempt to tread all over your boundaries as a means to regain some control over you and draw you back into their dysfunctional fold. They do not care for or about you at all.

Glad to read also that you have given the therapist you've been seeing the boot. That was no less than that person deserved. My suggestion re finding someone else to work with is treat these people like you would a job interview; interview them at length and sound them out properly. The first person you see may well not be the right one; you need to find someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment and also someone who has vast experience of toxic families and their machinations. Importantly you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

If you send it back you give them a reaction that they can then react to.

By not acknowledging it, you don’t give them anything to react to.

Of course they will bitch and complain. Even if you did reply with a gushing thank you, you would have said instead of putting it in written form or didn’t use the right words or went over the top.

No matter what you do, it will be wrong because they are invested in you being wrong. The goal posts change and don’t make sense.

You can only control your own actions and my advice is to ignore. If you want, donate the money or give it to ds from Santa or yourselves. They don’t come into this.

*No matter what you do, it will be wrong because they are invested in you being wrong. The goal posts change and don’t make sense.

You can only control your own actions and my advice is to ignore. If you want, donate the money or give it to ds from Santa or yourselves. They don’t come into this.*

Nodding at this.

Please find another therapist!!!!!!

She sounds extremely unprofessional and frankly dangerous for your wellbeing. And yes, these kinds of therapists DO exist.

I have a near relative who I am NC with. She too is BACP-accredited, all the qualifications and courses you could have. She is, in my opinion and that of quite a few other people (I am not the only family member NC with her) a true narcissist - she openly admitted with a laugh while training (before NC) that the reason she loved counselling/therapy so much is that 'you get to tell people what to do - they all really need someone to sort their lives out for them and once they come to therapy you know they've had enough of making a mess of their lives and they need someone like me to tell them what to do' .

One of the reason for NC was her repeatedly telling her client's life stories over the dinner table - all just juicy meat to her. Followed by the fake caring head tilt and the end of the story where she, the shining saviour, told them how to sort it all out.

Not all therapists are good, professional or even able.

PLEASE DROP THIS PERSON before she causes you real harm.

Hi OP - I went to a counsellor to help me find the answers to why my parents behaved as they did. She helped me to find clarity and in the end we both agreed that I would never know the answers but by then I was OK with that. I had a lot of people tell me i needed to “accept” my childhood and move on. Again I agreed with my therapist that I would “acknowledge” it happened but I didn’t have to “accept it” - for me that was the best resolution. Well done for ditching your therapist- there is one out there for you that will help you get to your goal and it’s not for anyone else to say what is the correct path for you.

Good luck OP

Fizzy- good grief she sounds dreadful. Goes to show that any old so and so can train to be a therapist!

Pouncival- I'm glad you've made some moves forward somehow. I agree that accepting it feels off and doesn't sit right with me either- acknowledgment sounds much better.

I feel like I have some sort of magnet to people that aren't good for me. I've had so many problems with friends, ex boyfriends, my family... and now the therapist. Is it that I'm unlucky or that there aren't truly many good people in the world, I don't know.

I feel like I don't know if I want to open myself up to yet another therapist. I've had so many (some NHS) that were v blah and wishy washy. The one I've just left was the first one that helped me get somewhere with finding peace, ironically. Maybe I should just write in my diary a lot for the moment and talk to my friend and husband, and think about that later.

Get a new therapist, mine used to talk to me about the possibility of not closing the door on my grandmother, because one day who knows.

Oh there are some real jokers out there.

A friend of mine was dumped by his gf and felt so bad about it he went to see a therapist. Within three weeks he comes back gleefully telling me how the therapist was advising him about how to get her back!

Good luck with a new therapist. Take a note of the advice on here and watch out for red flags.

do you have a lawyer? If not, get one and investigate restraining orders or similar to stop your mum and sister doing this.

"I feel like I have some sort of magnet to people that aren't good for me."

Sometimes this is what Aussiebean said earlier - we seek out relationships that feel familiar.
If your mum was always telling you what to do and how everything you felt was wrong, it would make sense that you might find therapists that DONT do that a bit wishy-washy. You maybe dont want them to be carefully non-committal and asking what you think you should do because you are looking for someone who TELLS you what you should do, thats whats familiar and relate-able.

chocolate you might think you need the space suit but you’ve also said some spot on things - YOU need to be well so you can be a good DM to DS.

I really agree with you all being NC. If she’s not good enough as a parent to you then what’s she going to be saying to DS? And that’s without ignoring allergies and hitting him.
Time to act like a mama bear and protect the Cub!

Your 'therapist' seems to have got her qualifications from a mail order course in the back of a magazine.

Please find another one.

www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

Why are you still seeing that excuse of a therapist? Follow your gut instincts..and find a new therapist,

I’ll say what I said on your previous thread. You need to get another therapist

Not all therapists are good, professional or even able....PLEASE DROP THIS PERSON before she causes you real harm
I second what Fizzy says!

I may well be projecting here or reading too much into your situation, but some of what you've said rings alarm bells with me and i wouldn't feel comfortable if i didn't at least share my thoughts with you.

I've experienced some fairly unethical behaviour from 'professionals' who were in a position of authority and trust.
I learnt that the use of NLP (neuro linguistic programming) is used quite extensively - by employers and therapists - and of course they always have their own personal bias and agendas.

Look up 'embedded commands' on google.
It's a type of hypnosis technique, used effectively it can modify/influence another person's behaviour/thinking without them even knowing it's been used on them - and in the wrong hands it's pretty dangerous and damaging.
I only caught them out because my neurotype is a special kind of jedi

Some of your comments went 'ding' with me as i too experienced very similar when it happened to me -
I feel angry and confused, it's like she's in my head
I can't believe she said....that I have to think about visits now.... that I should let ds make the decision.....that I've put my own needs before my family. She also said 'not everything is about you'!
I looked up and saw her roll her eyes as she said 'well let's have a go shall we'
I feel v afraid now like I'm cast adrift into outer space without my space suit on
that in her view taking control is allowing my mum some visitation
'I KNOW you really well' she said
I keep hearing her voice in my head saying 'I KNOW you' like she knows me better than I know myself, and I feel like I'm under her spell and can't think for myself

Read these articles and see how it resonates with you - and don't be afraid to put in a complaint about her behaviour and 'technique'!

attitudeadjustment.tripod.com/Books/Persuade.htm
www.antanosolar.com/conversational-hypnosis-art-of-embedded-commands-part-1/
www.the-secret-of-mindpower-and-nlp.com/embedded-commands.html

I want to apologise to the OP for upsetting her in my post.

I made the classic mistake of skimming, not reading all the posts and then deciding it was a good idea to post my opinion anyway. I'm normally the one complaining about people not rtft. I'm sorry op if I hurt you, you probably don't remember my post (it was very short) but since I read more it has been playing on my mind.

One of the best things that ever happened in my life was my work with an amazing nhs psychologist, she really helped me and I wish that for you too.

Good for you for coming back and apologising and explaining Titiania.

Very unprofessional. A therapist should never give advice or tell you what to do or pressure you in any way. It's about exploring a situation and making your OWN mind up about what to do.

Thanks all. It's still playing on my mind, the things she said. And I keep making excuses for it, thinking well she does know from talking to me that being NC will play on my mind re the guilt... but that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. And granting someone visitation so that they don't pull shit like turning up at our school doesn't sit right with me.

Thank you Tatania.