Therapist made me cry today. Told me I'm selfish to not let ds see my NC mum.

[ChocolatePHD]

I posted once before about my therapist pushing for me to face my mum when doing handovers at the door for her having ds. The consensus here was that it was pointless and damaging. I put my foot down anyway and cut contact with my mum.

Last week my mum and sister decided to turn up unannounced and uninvited at ds' play, which I posted about in chat. Me and dh were furious and ds was confused and upset afterwards.

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a month and told her the above. She agreed that it was horrendously out of order that they did that, however, she said:

• this was a consequence of me cutting contact with mum and that she did try to tell me I should continue with visits.
• that I put my own needs in this situation before my dh and ds.
• that I may not have made the best decision for my ds.
• that I 'need to be able to look myself in the mirror' in ten years and know I did everything I could for my ds in this situation.
• that perhaps after a few weeks I should arrange for my mum to see ds again. I argued that this would reward her behaviour of turning up at the play, therapist conceded maybe we should wait a few weeks extra.
• that because I can't deal/ cope with my mum I should have dh deal with all texts, all drop offs, that my mum is never allowed to come to our house and has to stick to a bunch of rules including that she isn't allowed to talk to ds about me and dh. I argued that if I am so shaken by seeing my mum how can I possibly feel ok and at peace about ds seeing her.
• she said I am running away from the problem and that seeing as mum is now ramping the pressure up I.e coming to the play etc, itd be better if I took control back by allowing visits, maybe at a visitation centre!

I cried a lot during the session, it made me feel so bad and guilty. And like I'd made a mess of things and let everyone down. I told her I feel like I'm fucked and that there is no good way to deal with this.

For background, mum allowed a bullying wanker of a man be verbally abusive, intimidating and sometimes violent for 13 years. She backed him up. My mental health problems started incredibly young and by 16 I was in hospital having stopped eating. I've had MH problems ever since.

Is the therapist right or wrong? Please help.

OP one thing to help you feel this is the right decision: she told you to ‘be in control’ of the situation with your mother. She then followed this up by instructing/guilt tripping you to reinstate contact when you didn’t want to. Repeatedly. That’s not you being in control, that’s the therapist being in control. That’s her making the decision about your life. Doesn’t add up does it?

You’ve had lots of people, some therapists themselves, telling you that this is wrong. Well done for enforcing your boundary and ending the sessions, you can always use MN as your therapy while you look for another.

That's a really good point. She told me to take time away from my mum. She told me to write to her. She told me what to write. At times it was more her words than mine. That's not helping me be in control is it? That's her being in control. And then to try and reinstate contact and make out i should put my mum and ds back together again.. what the f? It should all be led by my instinct with her encouraging me and giving me strength, which in some ways she has done but not enough.

I think your therapist was way, way out of order, Chocolate. She should have helped you find out what was best for you, not told you what to do or write or think. She sounds dangerous.

I know how hard it can be to go NC with family members, especially at first. Of course you feel guilt and anxiety about it, you've been told all your life that you're wrong and that you owe your parents and so on, and it's hard to break that conditioning. But it's been so positive for me now I'm a way into NC, and I know you haven't reached this decision lightly. Stick to your guns. You're good.