Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Wha??? That doesn't make sense to me. If you need help "dealing with" the emotional fallout of the end of the relationship (and the damage the guy did to you during the relationship), no way in hell is talking with him going to fix that. You talk to a therapist, friends and family who actually understand what happened and support you, journal, do a therapy group for women escaping abusive relationships, etc. You don't turn to the person who caused the abuse with any hope that they will help you now after so many episodes of damaging you.

You will not get "closure" from talking to him, controllers just want to keep engaged with you--fighting with each other is better than having no contact with you (to them). But you don't have to play that game anymore.

So in other words, your instinct that it wouldn't help you is right.

Unfortunately some friends are clueless, many people are ignorant about how abusive/controlling relationships work and do not get it. Up to you if you want to try to re-educate them or just protect yourself from their harmful advice. And some people have their own agenda--you're right, his friend will plead on his behalf. Ignore ignore ignore.

I believe think there's a huge difference between those of us who are (more or less, haha) "normal" people who are engaging with relationships in normal ways. We try to understand our partners, we are willing to listen, to compromise, to be helpful and giving and trusting.

Abusers CLAIM they are doing that stuff, they swear up and down that they love you, respect you, that they compromise and listen and blah blah blah all the time. But all the while they are not playing by the normal rules. They are playing by their own hurtful rules--but not telling you that. You have sat down to play chess with them but they are playing Grand Theft Auto but pretending they are playing chess, and that if something seems wrong to you it's because you're crap at playing chess. Their friends and even your friends may be fooled into thinking they are playing chess and you ought to sit down and talk it through as you would do in a normal relationship. But you cannot, cannot gain anything from sitting down to play chess with someone who is playing GTA.

The worst thing you could do is enter into any interaction with him.

I came out of a controlling marriage. It was very very hard to do and I went back time and time again. Like you I wanted to explain everything and I wanted him to understand. Because I thought if he could see it from my point of view he could change. We went to counselling so we could talk with someone else present. It didn’t work. Everytime I felt there was some progress the control/abuse cycle would return in some form. Everything I explained he would turn round to be my fault.
It was so very very hard but eventually I walked away for good.
We have children so are forced to have some sort of a relationship but I pretty much do not see him and only speak by email and only regarding the children. It’s the only way I could do it as seeing him makes me lose my resolve,yet I know there is simply no way I can have a healthy relationship with him. Get out while you don’t have children. What finally woke me up was that I don’t want my daughters or son thinking that was a healthy relationship. It would break my heart if anyone treated them the way I was treated. When your self esteem and self confidence are low it is so easy to want to go back. But don’t forget he is the one who broke you in the first place.
Keep strong - it’s so hard. Keep talking to your mum she sounds wonderful. But my advice is don’t see him and don’t waste your energy trying to explain ....

Thank you all so so much. That confirms my instincts are right and that engaging with him is not only pointless but also dangerous.

I also think my mum is wonderful! Unfortunately this is proving very stressful for everyone around me (especially my poor mother), so I'm incredibly grateful to everyone who helps me stay strong.

zoo one of the (many) things going on atm is that both you and he are readjusting to a new situation and that's -hard-. Especially when you have mixed feelings.

It takes time to adjust to simply not having someone around.

He may well be shocked and startled but from your list of controlling behaviours, I suspect he is simply very upset that he's lost control over his environment and his partner. He'd be the same whoever it was.

How often did he ask if you were happy in the relationship, by the way? How often did he offer you freely-given emotional support?

With people who say 'you should talk to him' it's ok to say 'no, it won't help me' and to then shut the conversation down.

You've had a very narrow escape; the time will come when you can breathe the air freely and thank heavens that's so fresh, instead of stifling.

Hi @SeaEagleFeather. He kind of forced the issue today by waiting for me outside my acupuncturist. Whilst she sent him packing, he caught me as I was leaving.

Long story short he convinced me to go back to his to get a few bits of stuff I'd left and then forced me to talk to him (by which I mean he talked for 2 hours while I tried to leave).

It sounds awful but given it's been 4 weeks since I left, he obviously hadn't done much washing in that period (he'd certainly not washed and put away "my" towel or done the recycling in weeks). I felt sorry for him. I didn't tell him that of course. He's also lost tons of weight. I've lost over a stone too - which he pointed out saying I looked too thin.

As much as I want to believe his world collapsed when I left, I think part of it is a loss of control. Perhaps he didn't realise we had an unhealthy relationship. Perhaps I'm being naive. I don't know anymore.

He wants a family, he wants marriage, he wants me, this is all stuff I shouldn't be hearing now I've left him. Am I being mean for saying it's too little too late (ignoring the emotional abuse side of things, which he says he didn't realise).

He has now asked me if I was happy in the relationship, although more from the point of view of how could I want to buy a house, marry him and have a baby with him if things were so terrible and I was so unhappy. I don't really have an answer to that. It makes me feel like I've led him on - that despite being unhappy I wanted all these things...? It's confusing because I can't answer that. I believed I was happy and put up with stuff until I realised I wasn't happy and had had enough.

He was very good when I lost my job. When I lost the baby he said he was told by everyone to be strong and to support me - but he didn't listen to me or trust me that I needed to see him break down over that loss, to see that he cared, so we could grieve together. As it was I grieved alone and by wanting to try again at which point he fell apart and that's partly what broke me. He didn't trust me that I needed to see him cry. He chose to believe the nonsense he was told that men should be strong - but that's not me, not what I needed or wanted.

My acupuncturist suggested going back to him in order to have a baby and then leaving him. I couldn't do that. I want a baby more than anything but not like that. I'd prefer to go down the sperm donation route. It's a terrifying thought as it's not where I saw myself 10 years ago. She doesn't know all the details though, just that I've spent many sessions over the last year sobbing quietly. Those I've chosen to confide in (like you guys if you've read this far - sorry) have supported the fact that contact will do no good and will be completely counterproductive.

I do feel better having spoken to him today although it broke my heart to have to tell him I didn't love him (not that he believed me anyway, but I tried). I saw him Thursday then had a breakdown at work, I don't know what today's meeting will bring.

He keeps telling me if I want a baby then time is running out. I know that more than anyone but it's not a good enough reason to go back to him. I know that.

Sorry for offloading. Anyone who reads this deserves a medal. My heart goes out to everyone who has gone through this and survived. I almost wish he'd cheated on me, I think that would be easier.

@hatty44 I'm so sorry you had to leave your marriage but well done on having the strength to do so.

Part of the problem is that I don't want to have to explain it to him but he's forcing me to, saying I owe him an explanation and that I'm being cruel and cold shutting him out. He'll never accept that my reasons are a deal breaker, he insists I'm being short sighted in ending the relationship (and that I therefore obviously don't want a baby as much as I say I do).

I can see so many similarities in my own situation with that of my brother (although he now has two young children) and my heart breaks for him. I don't know how people with children find the strength to actually leave - I've never found anything so hard and I have no real ties to him.

First thing: My acupuncturist suggested going back to him in order to have a baby and then leaving him.

oh jesus wept, NO. No. It'd be appalling for you and, to be blunt, it'd be appalling behaviour towards him too. This is the very last man you should be having a baby with. He's not good for you, you're not happy with him and he's not going to be the right man to be the father of your baby.

Remember that he doesn't want a baby. He's said so clearly. Now he's trying to tell you he'll try for one with you - but he doesn't want the baby for its own sake.

Secondly, about the loss of your much-wanted baby (I'm so sorry). I do think many men are told this - that they have to be strong - and .... different people grieve in different ways, zoo. Some share their grief, some keep it to themselves ... and I have to say that some men seem to not take the loss of an early pregnancy as hard as others. In this one area, from what you've said it might be an idea to see it as a different way of coping than yours. It wasn't compatible with yours and that's fair enough. But perhaps in this area, it wasn't abusive .. You know yourself better than anyone if that's the case or not.

However it's very very plain he is controlling in other ways - talking at you for 2 horus and not respecting your wish to be left alone for a start!

Read again what you put on the first page:

• controlling of friends.
• taking it personally if you speak in private to yoru mum.
• Telling you to buy him gifts.
• Refusing to let you talk to anyone about your relationship
• dismissing your opinion on stuff as stupid
• Criticising the way you do things
• Being very vocal about your family's faults or perceived slights
• Asking if you'd keep the baby when you was pregnantand then refusing to discuss his decision not to try again when you lost it
• Not listening when you speak to him

Maybe he'll change his behaviour for his next relationship, having messed up this one. But he's nto the right person for you and because it'd be so very, very easy for old dynamics to surface again, you're not the right person for him.

(essay over)

@SeaEagleFeather Thank you for reading my own essay. I know it would be so so wrong to have a baby with someone and then intentionally leave the moment it was done. As I said, I'd rather go down the sperm donor route - but I'd obviously prefer to be in a loving relationship.

I can't tell if my acupuncturist was joking but I couldn't do that to myself, to him or to the baby. It wouldn't be fair.

You're right that he dealt with the loss differently to me, and I don't see that as part of the controlling behaviour, more that of our fundamental incompatibility. It's very sad.

He says a baby with me is all he's ever wanted, he can see that clearly now, unfortunately he didn't communicate that well enough at the time and now it's far too late.

He spent two hours telling you you were wrong, and he was right.

If he turns up again, no matter where you are, tell him to leave and that you don't want to talk to him, and if he refuses, phone the police and let them deal with him.

You shouldn't have to put up with this. He's not good for you, OP.

As others have said write everything bad down, preferably in a proper book, and consult it often. It will be hard but in a few months you will feel so unbelievably free.

This is a man where you have to look at how he -acts- rather than what he says.

the fact he cornered you for 2 hours when you wanted out says it all.

Thanks @OnTheRise @BlondeB83 @SeaEagleFeather

I know you're right, I need to focus on the bad and his actions, as that's why I got out. Everything he says is just smooth talk.

Feeling very bleak today. I guess I'm mourning the loss of my future as I saw it.

Try to recognise that you've had a lucky escape, and celebrate that instead of mourning over the loss of a future which was never really going to happen.

You're good. You can do this.

He's apparently been hospitalised this evening with chest pains.

I have no idea what to think. One of the things he said to me yesterday was that he'd ask them to call me when they find his body. I can't believe he'd do something like that, but I think I'll feel worse if it turns out to be because of the stress of all this.

Part of me wants to go rushing over there but I know that's daft and would be playing into his hands.

I was told all this by a friend of his who didn't have my number - so he obviously asked her to call me - she wanted to know if I had numbers for any friends who lived nearby - maybe I'm being suspicious but it's a bit odd. I really don't know what to think. I'll be so angry if he has tried to do something silly because he can't put that on me.

@Zoo33

Omg see I'm thinking his hospital visit is for your benefit, he wants the attention?!

@Bibbidee That's what my family thinks, although I have no idea yet - I'm just waiting to hear what's going on. I'm so torn, it's awful.

Zoo - someone better qualified will be along any moment now to tell you that this behaviour is all part of The Script.

If I had a £1 for every time a controlling partner threatened suicide in their effort to 'win back' the person trying to leave... I'd be a rich woman!

Just DONT engage. You're doing fine. Just keep doing what you're doing.

No way have you done this to him.

@AnAirborneFluffyWhiteThing I wrote off his threat yesterday as just that. I'm completely thrown by him now ending up in hospital - I just wasn't expecting it.

One of the things he said to me yesterday was that he'd ask them to call me when they find his body.

What the unholy fuck?

He is a complete manipulator. Unless he had a pre existing heart condition (in which case things are a bit different) this is classic ruthless - manipulator tactic.

You really need to read up on toxic people. It's a very well known tactic and it might help you to read about other people who've had to handle this.

Even if it's genuine - unlikely but there'a tiny chance - anyone who says 'Ill ask them to call you when they find my body' is a SHIT of the highest order. It's heavily putting responsibility for their death onto you and that is despicable.

In the context of someone who has just used their death as a guilting chip, this health scare is 99.99% likely to be aimed at getting you to go over there so he can work some more on your good nature. Even in the blue-moon chance that it's genuine, someone who says what he's just said is a bad one.

You REALLY had a narrow escape getting away from him. Stay very far away from this man. All his promises are false and any 'changed behaviour' will only be skin deep. NO decent person guilt trips someone they supposedly love with their death.

The Lundy Bancroft book "why does he do that" would be a very good investment.

@Zoo33

Have a read

outofthefog.website/traits

@SeaEagleFeather Thank you for that, you've reinforced what I was thinking (although then I feel awful for thinking it)! I've always been a bit over sensitive and am prone to feeling guilty for things that aren't my fault, I can't win, can I? I've just bought that book, hopefully it'll help.

I've had yet another person tell me I'll struggle to deal with all of this without sitting down with him to talk. This is from one of my friends and now one of his (who obviously has his best interests at heart, no matter how she claims to want to help me).

Whichever one of your friends said this, you need to tell them that this is dangerous advice, and that giving dangerous advice is not a friendly thing to do.

Even trained and professional therapists and counselors will never counsel couples together when one of the couple is abusive. This is because talking together is completely and utterly pointless at best, and completely counter productive and dangerous at worst.

You don't actually want to talk to him, do you? You want him to magically suddenly turn into the man that you wish he was. You want to be persuaded... Read your list that you wrote on this thread, OP. Read that list and remember that what you did is the right thing for you, and find the strength to carry on doing the right thing for you.

I am sorry that your attempt to get counseling for yourself was not a success - can you try with someone else? You need to get to the bottom of your need to be in this sort of relationship, and your failure to listen to your own need to protect yourself.

Apparently it's a blood clot. I feel utterly wrung out and exhausted.

@Haffiana I will try to find another counsellor. You're right though - I do want someone to wave a magic wand and turn him into the person I wish he was. I know that's not going to happen though.