Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Zoo, he wants the list because he wants to do one of the following:

Argue every point on it, saying it's not actually true
Tell you each point is your fault not his
Adjust his behaviour according to the list, to draw you back in. He will then revert to type, but worse this time, because you'll have given him a list of the things that hurt you the most... So he has an even better idea then of how to absolutely break you.

I've been there lovely. I know you feel love for him but remember, heroin addicts feel this way about heroin.

You can fall in love with literally anyone. Feeling love does NOT mean you are meant to be together or even that you're healthy for each other.

Your job right now is to block your ears, blindfold yourself, tie yourself to the mast and let the storm pass. In other words... Block him, keep as busy as you can, fill your life with your loved ones, DO NOT GIVE HIM THE SPACE TO WORM BACK INTO YOUR LIFE.

You can start healing now. DONT let him rip your just formed scabs off the wounds HE made. Xx

Grey rock - technique, "I wasn't happy anymore there's nothing to discuss"

I would just block him tbh

Don't give a list for the reasons everyone else gave.

Also, you haven't split up because of each item on the list, you have split up because he is the type of person who would do all the things on the list.

Working through a list would not change his basic personality. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone with that personality.

"I don't want to be in a relationship with you. It isn't about specific problems. I was just not happy in the relationship. Please don't contact me again, we both need time to heal."

He wants the list to gaslight you.

All you need to say is you want to separate, which you have done. No justification is required.

Ignore his request for the list. Block him everywhere. You can't trust him to "resolve" anything, just to tell you how wrong you are about everything.

you haven't split up because of each item on the list, you have split up because he is the type of person who would do all the things on the list.

Yes! Exactly. Also, because he is the type of person who would ask you for a list of reasons when you've already told him you've split up with him and that your relationship is therefore past the point of "resolving things".

why did I say to block him ?
if you must reply, pleas please learn that even time you rely it gives him a way to lever his poison back into your mind
say, ..."It's over, fuck off" .........

reply

Well said Grunkle, that is exactly the purpose of such a list or indeed, any conversation.

You think if you explain, explain, explain just a bit more, it will help but it just gives ammunition. More and more ammunition.

Life is too short.

I'm really struggling with wanting to go back to him even though I know it's a terrible idea. Why do we care so much?? I think I'm struggling most with giving up the future we had planned and having to start from scratch with being single.

I don't know if you have been bereaved but when you are, the reaction often starts with disbelief and thinking 'this cannot be'. Think of these feelings as the ghost of your hopes and dreams, haunting you. You have lost those precious dreams, it won't feel real to begin with. Just keep looking at the nasty things he's said and done. They are, if you like, nails in the coffin of your dreams.

The future you planned or the one you are envisaging doesn’t exist. Please please understand that this man is dysfunctional and he always will be.

Of course you love him and breaking up is hard but each time you broke up there was a lesson in there.

If you don’t want to learn that lesson yet you will go back and on this will continue until you learn your lesson.

He is cruel and abusive - of course he has his good points but believe me his abuse has already brought you to your knees - yet you want to go back for more?

Why?

You have had such a lucky escape- no kids - no financial ties

Just run and don’t look back

Have kids with him and they’ll have an awful role model. This is how the cycle of abusers continues

Thanks @QuiteLikely5 @GladysKnight.

It seems silly to be so unsure of my determination to leave. I thought I'd done the hard bit in leaving, but not going back is shockingly difficult.

He's blocked on everything now so can't carry on promising me the world and to change. I know it won't be enough as I don't think that much change is possible on a permanent basis and that we'll end up right back here again, despite what he says that we won't. And this time with children and financial ties. I didn't feel ready to block him before which again is probably silly.

I really like the bereavement angle as I've felt like I shouldn't be the one that's so upset. I can't believe how hard this is.

No. Don't engage. Think of all the crappy things he's done to you, especially when you were pgrenant. Don't weaken.

Well done for the blocking. You're getting there. And you're doing this for yourself. Including that self who was made to feel so shit, time after time after time after time....

You're right, from the outside it might look easy to leave someone. But it isn't. However, that doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do, as you know

No, no, no...he doesn't really want to know how you feel, just enough so he can get you back.

I always advise women in this situations to read books on abuse, such as "the verbally abusive relationship" or "why does he do that"

There is now knowledge as to why people (often men) act like this, deep childhood issues or brain wiring.Once you see your ex is operating in a way many of us are familar with a light bulb will switch on.
I believe my ex loved me, in a very unhealthy way.He just wanted me to do everything his way and if we did there would be no issues.

He could not cope with me operating as a separate person or not putting him first.
That example of the scan is so typical.He couldn't put your needs above his need to feel important.My ex took me out of hospital after surgery on a long car trip because he had plans.Had he changed his plans he would have felt controlled by me.

Its not rational so don't try to reason with an unreasonable person.

Thanks guys.

He just wanted me to do everything his way and if we did there would be no issues.

Yes! Not doing things his way meant extraordinary frustration because I wasn't doing it right.

How long did it take you all to untangle yourself emotionally? I'd really love to wake up tomorrow and not care.

I think he's tracking whether I read my emails. Guess it's not surprising as he can't communicate any other way now but it still feels a little invasive. I wanted to keep emails unblocked until we close the joint account but he seems to be digging his heels in (out of spite?). Hopefully the bank will freeze it instead - I may have cried on the phone when the lady said it wasn't really a financial dispute so I think she's reconsidered. Still waiting for a call back from the right team on that though...

Well done for staying strong. You’re right he won’t ever change, if he could he would have already done that wouldn’t he? He is who he is. Isn’t it funny how they promise to change once they realise they are about to loose everything, why can’t they just be nice people in the first place.

@GlitterSparkles17 That's exactly it. I think he changed after a particularly traumatic year (which I stuck by him through), and despite his protestations there's no way he can change back and undo all the things he's done.

OP stay strong. this is Stockholm syndrome.

you have had great advice here. don't look back. you are grieving the future you wanted to have. and you will have it. just not with that abusive tosser.

make a new life for yourself and you will be happy.

How much money is in the joint account and is there an overdraft facility?

Once you learn about the dynamics of a controlling/abusive relarionship you start to see their behaviour as dysfunctional so they become unattractive to you.The rose tinted glasses come off.

A theory is that empathic people end up with abusive people because they try to understand the abusive person.Once you educate yourself and know deep down that you can't change him because HE doesn't want to change it helps to release you.

Once I saw ex for what he really was, completely self centred, not occassional selfishness then I stopped caring for him. I still wished he would change but knowing he can't was freeing.
I suspect neuroscience will help us to know why some people behave like and why change isn"t possible.

@BendyLikeBeckham I love the positivity in your message, thank you.

@RandomMess There's no money in the account, it was opened for the mortgage (we were weeks away from exchanging and completing on a house together). I don't think there's an overdraft facility but I will chase the bank on Monday. Hopefully given the fact that I've asked them to freeze it already and that'll be on record, if he does go wild, I'll have a good argument that it's their issue having allowed it...

@Hermonie2016 That's really interesting but also slightly depressing maybe? It makes empathic people sound a bit like suckers - the science would be fascinating. Although hopefully we don't fall into that trap more than once. I really hope this experience doesn't scar me for a future relationship - I don't think it will but I wonder if I was perhaps too trusting. I'd hate to start a future relationship being distrusting and suspicious because of this.

Well if you make sure there is no overdraft facility on it - put in writing that you refuse to have one etc then hopefully you will be covered! Was the account set up that you need only one or both signatories to make payments etc?