Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Op, I think its about knowing yourself, and also learning that such people exist.

Boundaries are healthy but many of us haven't needed to develop them until we encounter such a person.
I had a positive upbringing, life treated me well and I am naturally empathic..perfect target for my ex.I was naive to dysfunctional characters and when I had instincts I overruled them because I didn't know what I was dealing with.
It still makes no sense to me that some people manipulate and control others BUT i accept it happens, have educated myself and also started to educate my children.

I can see the difference in nature in my children, one is very empathic and I need to help them have healthy boundaries.The others seem to have boundaries built in to their character.

Upshot is know yourself and learn to trust your instincts and you will avoid toxic people.

@RandomMess I'm slightly embarrassed to say that despite me setting up the account, I have no idea if payments need one or both signatories. I suspect it's only one as I've merrily been able to transfer money between accounts without his needing to sign anything. Neither of us has tried to pay by card though - the last I heard he hadn't even activated his.

@Hermonie2016 It's funny how we ignore our instincts sometimes. I'll definitely try to listen to mine more in future.

After 4 or 5 days with no contact, he rang me last night - apparently if you withhold your number it bypasses a block, so I just saw a "no number" and answered it.

He wants to meet me today for coffee and to talk. I don't really want to as I see no point in it, he's not hearing me as to why I left him, but he has my new batch of contact lenses - no idea why the post redirection didn't get them.

Am I crazy to be considering meeting him because I want my post??? I am, aren't I? Deep down I do really want to see him which is why I know this is a bad idea.

I wish wish wish there was an emotional off switch. I barely slept last night and I know the thought of meeting him is going to ruin my productivity at work today - not great when I have strict daily time recording targets.

Don't meet up with him.

Ask someone else to collect the lenses from him; if you can't find someone to do that you might have to just write them off.

He's not listening to you and will use a meeting to bully you if he can.

Definitely don't meet him. Write off the contact lenses if you have to (I know, they cost money, but they are things that can be replaced and it's not worth exposing yourself to hurt and emotional danger for them when they are replaceable).

it might not apply to your situation, but I really love the book "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. It really opened my eyes to the dynamics between me and my husband. She addresses a lot of what the empathic/caretaking partner needs to realize or change about themselves, but I think without victim-blaming.

My husband sounds a lot like your partner. I am now finally escaping after 10 very hurtful years and I can never completely escape as we have a child together. I know how hard it is and how sad it is to have lost a relationship you believed in and the good things about that person (there were good things about mine, anyway). But I have come to believe he is toxic and I know I will have a better life without having to live with him.

Keep going and you will continue to gain perspective. Do you have friends and family who know about the situation? I text a lot of complaints to my sisters and it helps keep me on track.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist

Thanks @OnTheRise and @CousinKrispy.

I met up with him. I know I'm a fool. He's desperate for us to spend time together (dinner this evening for starters), which I'm very wary of. I'm so confused because the feeling are so so powerful. It's only been 4 weeks though.

I think I'm going to slink home because he thinks this can all be worked out and I don't want to get his hopes up and don't see that dinner can achieve anything other than upsetting us both. My resolve is so tenuous at the moment. Hopefully he won't be camping outside my office.

Well done @CousinKrispy on becoming free of your husband. I'll have a look for that book. Can I ask - do you still love him despite all this? How do you deal with that? Is he accepting the split?

I've got great support in real life from friends and family. Those that know virtually everything have been wonderful - I'm on the phone several times daily to my mother and message friends regularly (I've temporarily moved in with one of them - poor girl).

Have you got your contact lenses now?

Yes, I got them. 😕

And have lodged a complaint with Royal Mail about the redirection.

Then text him cancelling dinner and a "I have made my decision do not contact me again"

Stand firm

I was going to ignore him. Is that mean? I never actually agreed to dinner - just said I'd think about it, but he's emailed saying where and when.

So once again he’s ignoring what you said, that you would think about it?
It’s not mean to ignore but would be clearer to say no, actually I’ve made my decision and will not be going out with you.

I would reply and say "I have no intention with meeting up with you again. If you continue to keep contacting me I will consider it harassment and report to the police"

Then block on EVERYTHING.

I've gone with the cowardly ignore route. He is blocked on everything but is bypassing the call block. I didn't want to but if this carries on I'll have to change my number. He's been phoning almost constantly since 7pm.

In that case I would tell him in writingso email or textthat I didn't want to hear from him again, and to stop phoning etc., and then if he continues after that, speak to the police and ask their advice.

He’s not bothered in how you think and feel whatsoever. As empaths we find that strange “how can you not be putting yourself in my shoes”? But he isn’t.
He only cares for himself and he NEEDS to get you back, to win.
Just think, would a friend/your mum ignore your request for space or thinking time and harass you? No, they wouldn’t! Most people wouldn’t, we’d leave you alone and ask when it’s best to speak or say “i’ll leave the next contact to you”.
He’s wired differently than you.
You will be amazing at what you choose to do and who you choose in the future to share with. I’ve a great man who really takes me and my empath/over sensitive feelings into account! You will too.
Please stay strong and don’t go back to being his servant/plaything/emotional punchbag xx

This is not a particular day when I feel love, I just feel exhausted and fed up at the moment but I can feel empathy for him (too much probably) and respect for him as a person. I hope to get to full-scale indifference someday.

Even when I feel love and sadness (more often guilt brought on by his poooooor meeeee I love you soooooo much stuff) I just hang on until I am reminded of how annoying he is and how I deserve better. He'll always swing back to blaming me and not taking responsibility for his own shit, and that's not something I want to have to be married to the rest of my life. But it's taken me a long time to get to this point and I acknowledge to myself that having mixed feelings is normal.

It helps having opened up to family and friends and told them he is abusive and toxic--I have people I can text when I am feeling fed up or he is hounding me and we can have a good laugh or commiseration over his antics. There have been times when I wanted to go back but felt I would have been too embarrassed now that friends and family would know it was such a mistake ... that holds me off until the feeling passes. Being isolated in the little hothouse of his creation really helped keep me trapped.

the more distance you keep between the two of you the better. And the more support you get from outside the better. Can you do some counselling? The Freedom Programme online or through your local Women's Aid? Talk to friends and family? Do you keep a journal of his shitheadedness? I find that helps when I go back and read it.

Thanks guys. That's it exactly @CousinKrispy - I'd feel embarrassed going back to him now that my family have all been honest about what they think of him. It's all damming and they've only been told the bits I can remember. There'll be o much more I've forgotten. I need to cling on to that.

I have an "issues" list which maybe doubles as my journal. I found it therapeutic to write things down. I haven't added to it or looked at it in a while though - I should do. I went for one counselling session but didn't find it helpful / wasn't convinced she could help. I know it was only the first session but she just repeated everything I said back to me. I don't know what I expected to be honest. Maybe a magic wand?

Omg ok if I hadn't broken up with my ex only 9 months ago I would swear you were dating him lol. Its so scary how similar these men are, it's as if they all get given the same book to read. The how to be a controlling manipulative cunt book.
Mine turned violent when his emotional abuse and bullying tactics failed to work any longer. But let me tell you the mind games are hideous to get over.
It's easy for people to say I would never put up with that, how can you let him treat you like that but unless they have lived this kind of relationship they don't understand how hard it is to break away.
I wouldn't advise you to stay in the house or even be alone with him, it gives him valuable time to start the coercive manipulation or worse.
I really hope you have managed to stay strong and are moving on with your plans to end it. If so the only way you can make this break successful is to go no contact. Change your numbers and block him everywhere. Start talking to friends and family, open up and be honest about what you have gone through and I would also advise therapy. Please do not underestimate the ramifications of this abuse, because that is what it is. Putting myself back together has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I wish you luck op.x

At times I find myself wishing I hadn't told them - but I know deep down leaving him is the right thing to do.

As you say @Oilyoilyoilgob I shouldn't be an emotional punchbag. I don't deserve that. None of us do.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night - thankfully my mother is more than happy to talk through my incoherent sobbing. It's actually the first evening I've spent alone since this happened, so I should probably have expected it. Doesn't make it any easier though.

I'm wondering whether being signed off work for a bit would help or if I'd just be hiding from my problems. I don't actually have a new GP because I don't want to change my address in case it delays my mortgage application - buying a house and moving out of this city is one of the only positive things I'm clinging onto.

@ALittleBitConfused1 I'm so glad you found the strength to leave - how long has it taken / is it taking to put yourself back together?

Zoo, putting yourself back together is a process, which can start now, but which will take a while. You will feel much stronger after a couple of weeks, but after a year, once you have got through all of the anniversaries/firsts, you will realise that you have come even further than that.

On an earlier comment, you are not doomed to be suspicious in the next relationship, honest. You will, however, have higher standards next time, and you will be aware if you get involved with someone who constantly wants something for themselves, rather than being aware of you needs.

When you are feeling wobbly/considering going back, please remember how it went when you tried to leave. He has no respect for you and your feelings, and you ended up running with only the clothes you were wearing. That's not how grown up people treat to each other! People are sad, and cry or angry and shout, but they shouldn't threaten each other or make each other afraid. You don't have to accept that. Ever.

You get someone to come with you or go in your place. If you don't feel strong enough to keep your resolve, do this. Remember: he is now changing tactics to keep you and will do and say anything to keep you. Words are just words. he has shown you the person he is.

The end of my relationship was difficult it took three months to get him out of the house (My home) and finally find the strength to tell him I was done. During which his behaviour alternated between aggressive, screaming, desperate harassment, anger and being extremely loving and kind. It was turmoil that ended In him getting drunk locking me in the house and assaulting me over and over for about 2 hours.
I'm in therapy, have been for about 5 months and will be for another 2. I'm so much better and can now see light at the end of the tunnel but I would never have got here without therapy and my friends and family. The while the violent ending has caused it's problems the effect of the mind games has been the worst thing to get over and make sense of.

Thanks all, I really appreciate your kind and encouraging words.

I've had yet another person tell me I'll struggle to deal with all of this without sitting down with him to talk. This is from one of my friends and now one of his (who obviously has his best interests at heart, no matter how she claims to want to help me).

For those of you who have got out of controlling relationships and are on the road to recovery - are they right???

I struggle to see how it would help me, as each time I see him I want to go back to him, and after seeing him yesterday for coffee I had a complete emotional meltdown last night.

I need to do what's right for me but I'm a bit confused as to what that is and am being given conflicting information by friends.

Do not see him!! It only makes things worse, and gives him the chance to start disputing everything you say. You really really need to go no contact and if he breaks through the blocks you put in place, remember "No is a complete sentence" and keep saying "No." End of. The people telling you to say he needs to stop or you will report him for harassment are right; and you should talk to the police now to get advice on how to word that and when to take action.