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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting out of a controlling relationship

821 replies

Zoo33 · 17/12/2017 19:06

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoo33 · 14/01/2018 23:10

*That should have said they think it's a blood clot.

OP posts:
greenlids · 14/01/2018 23:37

He is an abusive manipulator. Please stay away from him.

Original poster
Zoo33 · 14/01/2018 23:40

It's a bacterial infection in his heart and they're very worried about damage to the heart. It could be fatal. I feel so awful I can't be there for him, but I know I can't do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoo33 · 14/01/2018 23:44

I don't even know if I should message him to ask if he's okay or to ask him to keep me posted. I want to but don't want to send out the wrong signal to him as I'm not going back to him, but I'd really like to know what's happening - especially after he sees the specialist. I wish I didn't care, it would be so much easier.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 14/01/2018 23:45

@Zoo33

Oh. Gosh. Not what I expected you to say? Who told you this news?

BackInTheRoom · 14/01/2018 23:47

@Zoo33

Could you keep in contact with whoever is with him now at his side?

Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 00:00

It's from a friend of his. She's not there as she lives in Manchester (we're down south) - he's actually on his own as he apparently wouldn't let her call one of his local friends.

I think she's the only person he's confided in about what's happened between us - from what she said he started complaining of chest pains while they were on the phone - after the call went dead she called the police who called an ambulance. He's been updating her and she's been updating me.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 15/01/2018 00:12

@Zoo33

Could you get hold of the ward? This must be so hard for you OP 😢

Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 00:15

He's being sent home under strict instructions to take it very very easy until he can be referred to a specialist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 00:16

I've never felt so conflicted.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/01/2018 00:21

But this is still 2nd/3rd hand knowledge...

Won't let this gullible woman's phone one of his other friends but she had to phone you???

I think he is stringing her along.

BackInTheRoom · 15/01/2018 00:22

I bet. It's stressful isn't it. Im up right now because I'm so stressed myself. Not tired in the least. 😢

123MothergotafleA · 15/01/2018 00:27

Stay strong Zoo, I'm sensing a big hysterical gesture here. Fakery at least. Run and keep running.

greenlids · 15/01/2018 00:33

A bacterial infection in the heart is dangerous and I can't believe they would send him home.

Why is he contacting the friend and getting her to phone you? Why isn't the hospital phoning you or his parents?

JaniceBattersby · 15/01/2018 00:35

Sorry OP, but it sounds like a load of old cobblers. And how coincidental that he managed to dramatically collapse while on the phone to her.

My FIL has spurious ‘chest pain’ every time my husband calls him out on his awful behaviour. It means everyone feels sorry for him, jumps to attention and forgets all about the shitty behaviour.

It’s like the boy who cried wolf now though. Even his own wife is starting to get sick to the back teeth of it.

Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 00:41

I'm going to be pretty useless at work tomorrow but I'm not tired at all. @Bibbidee I hope you manage to get some sleep.

You may all be right, I don't know. It does seem odd to send him home (knowing he lives alone) if it's as bad as google says it is. Apparently he told her off for calling me - but then I don't know how she got my number.

His mother died a few years ago and his family all live abroad, but the hospital could very well have called me or even his neighbours.

OP posts:
another20 · 15/01/2018 00:46

This really is "The Script". I suspect he took himself off to A&E with a panic attack and they have let him go home now. "The specialist" as been invented so that he can string you along for another few weeks.

Please keep focused, strong and away.

You are the one most likely to endure health issues if exposed to him.

another20 · 15/01/2018 00:48

His friend is a "flying monkey" - google that instead of ficticous heat complaint.

another20 · 15/01/2018 00:55

He's being sent home under strict instructions to take it very very easy until he can be referred to a specialist

ie he needs YOU as a nursemaid.

Nonsense - keep ignoring....he is still controlling and abusing you.

If he ever threatens suicide again - dont say anything to him but just call and ambulance or report to the police - their visit will put him back in his box.

If he doesnt keep hassling you report that as well. It is not an over reaction. These people are dangerous, the police know this and will put a PIN on him. You dont need to live in state. It will take you some time to grieve for the future you thought you had - but each time you are in contact with him it will set the clock back again.

Jaxinthebox · 15/01/2018 00:58

WOW, he sure is following 'The Script' and as others have said the friend is a flying monkey.

Ask yourself WHY none of his nearby friends know about this mystery heart condition and WHY he has been let out of hospital. I can assure you he wouldnt be let out for that, he would be kept in and taken for tests tomorrow... its all nonsense, designed to get you back to him.

Stay strong, stay away and block the friends number too. If you really want to contact someone local to pop round, then do that. Just send a text to them. Simples.

Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 01:45

I really hope you're all wrong because I struggle to believe anyone could be so cruel. Maybe I'm naive. On the other hand, if you're right and this is some vile set up designed to mess with my head and get me back, then it's more proof than I could ever need that he's completely toxic.

OP posts:
Tictactic · 15/01/2018 01:56

Zoo. I've just read your thread.
I too question the mystery heart condition. I once had a controlling boyfriend and they'll do anything for attention. Stay away, it's not your problem any longer. Yes they can be that cruel and toxic. Best thing I ever did was get away. Flowers

another20 · 15/01/2018 02:06

Sorry Zoo - this is exactly the type of 'escalation' that these toxic people stoop to. Read these threads on here long enough and you will know exactly what he will do next -- send a gift, door step you at work, send a gift to your work, make contact with your friends. You need to brief all these people to not let him thru - return unopened any gifts/letters etc.

yrhengi · 15/01/2018 02:17

He sounds an absolute arse, I’m sorry, OP. And a bit of a cliched one too - ‘Barry’s been bluelighted to A&E with a hiatus hernia’ is never going to sound as tragic as a —broken— heart infection, is it?

Friends often like things to stay exactly the same. They’ll offer appalling advice, because they see you upset and their brains go, oh no, how can we get this back to normal ASAP? Your controlling ex will say ANYTHING AT ALL at this point, but keep reminding yourself that only a few weeks ago you weren’t happy and saw no chance of change. Saying things means nothing. I’ve said repeatedly since Jan 1st that I’m never eating chocolate again but the silver foil in the bin suggests otherwise.

Come on. You are worth WAY MORE THAN THIS. Every day is bringing you closer to something a lot better.

OnTheRise · 15/01/2018 07:48

If he had an infection in his heart which could be fatal he wouldn't have been sent home.

He's manipulating you.

Don't engage.

Tell the person who is passing this all on to you that they need to tell his family all of this. It's not your business.

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