Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Thank you all for your kind words. Things didn't go well. I guess I was naive to think they would. He talked me round then when I changed my mind after talking to my mother and seeing the state my decision to give him another chance left her in, things got nasty and I ran out the house with only my handbag and keys. He wanted the keys and wasn't going to let me back in the house if I left so I took the keys. I'm staying in a hotel. He's threatened to call the police if I turn up tomorrow so we'll see what's left of my belongings tomorrow. I don't think the police will be very interested in this anyway. Turning my phone off now as he won't stop calling.

The longer you dance with the devil, the longer you remain in hell.

Get out!

God, this situation you’re describing is terrifying!

Please don’t keep assuming you can just talk to him, or be around him, as though he were a normal rational person. Even though you think you know him well, and had the same conversations last week with no scary outcomes. For all you know, he is going through some mental stuff that’s deep-seated and harks back to childhood. He only has to lose it for a few minutes to really do you lasting harm. Something in them often breaks when they become convinced you are serious about leaving them.

Someone on here will know best how to suggest practical ways to get your stuff back tomorrow, and arrange your new life. Just please start being very wary and stop interacting with him on your own. Make sure your mum is careful too, given he thinks she talked you around.

Good luck with your next steps.

I was going to post this for you

www.cheshirewithoutabuse.org.uk/biderman-chart-of-coercion

However, I have just read your update. Is the property a joint tenancy? I think the police would anyway side with you, as you have believe belongings in your (former) place of residence.

Don’t go round there yourself; and depending how nasty things got, consider whether you want to go to the police yourself.

I’m relieved you are out and safe. Please call women’s aid and get advice about getting your stuff back, the police can help, he can’t withhold your belongings. So sorry it’s been so horrible, but in a way his behaviour must confirm for you that you are making the right decision. You deserve so much better!

I've been where you are and leaving was so hard. It took 3 attempts complete with stalking, suicide attempts and more. It was worth it.

There's a thread somewhere in relationships listing red flags - read this and you'll probably see yours is not a good one.

Zoo33.
There's a reasonable chance police might actually come with you to protect you when you collect your things today. If you give them a call in the morning on 111. I've known it happen. If you explain what happened yesterday evening, they may not be able to but it's worth a try.

The police will be interested. Call and talk to them. FFS you had to run away and he has your possessions. They will be interested. Don't minimise what happened last night when yoy talk to them.

Are you OK?

I would speak to the police and ask if they can accompany you to the flat today, to regain your possessions. Your ex has been abusing you and is now threatening you.

Tell them what happened. Don't minimise or try to explain any of it.

I hope you're ok.

I'm okay. I've been speaking to the police who are coming over to the hotel to talk to me. It sounds like they're in two minds about what happens next - it's his house so I have no right to force entry, but I have only the clothes I'm standing up in. I've mentioned that he's controlling and so it may be that they'll allow me in as long as I take only what's mine (which is all I want anyway). His reasoning last night for refusing entry was that he wanted to be there - so if he has taken the day off as I suspect he has, then that argument doesn't really work as he will be there?! I feel so stupid for being so naive and for being talked around - I love him so it's all so confusing. But everyone I know has had serious doubts about him and they've all said I've changed since I met him and not in a good way. I have to remember that and that I decided to leave him if my own free will don't I?

Yep it's your decision to leave/end it. I would ask the Police to accompany you to the property and remove your belongings. The very fact you're having to include the Police is a reflection of how the relationship is. Good luck OP, you can do this. 💐

Sorry to hear it has got to this, but glad you have involved the police. I hope you can get your stuff back, do you need to help to shift it all? Good luck, let us know what happens.

op my lovely, I'm so glad you are ok this morning.

Can I ask you, to just set aside the fact that you love him, just for a minute, and consider the facts that you have asked us all to respond to.

If this was a friend of yours that this was happening to, what advice would you give her?
What would you think of his behaviour?

Loving him is irrelevant, being afraid enough to leave is.

Best of luck with today.

Love is not fear

I suspect you don't love him, you love the idea of him, the idea of what the relationship could be if if if

Recovery might be faster if you can try to spot the difference when thinking about it: hope vs reality.

That is a perfect clear example of manipulation & abuse, unfortunately did not see this in time, you should have taken someone with you to collect your possessions.
hopefully the police will escort you, & he will have to allow it.

It's done. He was fine about not all, although desolate. I feel like I've had my heart ripped out and although I know it's the right decision, it really doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Well done, Zoo. I know it's not easy. But it's the best thing, it really is.

beware, he will probably try & talk to you, plead, cry & promise getting help, & actually swear he will be reborn as Buddha.
This is the script, it is the cycle of abuse.& is a tactic to wind you back in.
The ideal is to block his number, his fb, your fb, & his email The faster you move on, the faster you will heal.

I just wanted to thank you all for your help and sympathy with this. It's been so incredibly hard but the more I remember / acknowledge (such as refusing to go to the early scan with me when I was worried about the pregnancy because I hadn't discussed booking it with him first and it then turned out the baby had died so I was right to be worried), the more I know it was the right decision. He should have been there no matter whether I'd discussed it or not.

He's still messaging hoping I'll change my mind and I can't yet bring myself to block his number (I will do, he's already blocked on FB), but I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow which I hope will be the start of my recovery. I'd have struggled to do it without you all. X

Well done, Zoo. I don't think there's much I need to add because you've done it! The only thing is that you need to be acutely aware of the risk of having any contact with him, because of his track-record in being able to talk you around. Do not hold out any hope for closure for you or acceptance from him. Of course he's going to feel hard done by and victimised at the loss of domestic services.

You've absolutely done the wrong thing. I'm sorry about losing your baby, but it does mean that you can now be entirely free of this man.

Well done Zoo, you've actually already done the hardest part, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. Hope the counselling session helps, it's good that you're doing that too.

Block the fucker on everything.

And have a large gin.

Quick question ladies. He keeps saying he has loads of unanswered questions and thinks all the things I've thrown at him can be resolved. I think I know what you'll all say but I'll ask it anyway - is it worth sending him my list of issues / a thing on emotional abuse / control so he can see and maybe begin to understand, or is that just inviting more conversation from him which will quite obviously be counter productive??

Actually I think @bibliomania said it all already. Xx