Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Sounds like the builder is out of his depth?

Thanks @NeverLetYouGo @RandomMess

The builder was having a look at the drawings in relation to the house so that he could price it up... He's not started any work yet.

He's calling me tomorrow so I'll ask why he thinks the structural engineer's plans won't work.

He's left me a voicemail at work saying I've taken some of his stuff (he only gave me an example of one thing which I definitely didn't take) and he wants it back. It's annoyed me a lot given the amount of stuff I left at his and the money he owes me that I'll never see again.

Do I (a) ignore it, (b) respond telling him I haven't got it and to piss off, or (c) ask the police for advice and an update (which feels like I'd be wasting their time)?

Absolutely tell the police. And yes, a good time to ask if they've done anything yet for an update.

Speak to the police, definitely don't reply!!!

Tell the police. You can also mention the stuff you've lost to them, but the main thing is that he has contacted you again. Don't reply him, as random says!

Don't contact. Police may have already been in touch either to warn him or to arrange to see him. If so he has planned this to provoke a response in order that he can suggest you ate in touch still.

It is vital you ignore and don't respond even through another party. You have come so far.

I have spent the last two days reading this thread getting increasingly frustrated (irritated) it’s been going on for nearly 7 mths and your still on here OP asking for advice as to whether you should respond to a message. You are keeping avenues open to allow your ex to keep contacting you. Why? Block and move on with your life. It’s difficult to read this thread. I have been in abusive relationship and I chucked him out and moved on. If you were a bloke I would tell you to grow a pair. 7 mths most people have moved on. You are clearly invested in this nonsense... or maybe your playing the good folks here on MN. Sorry if I offend but you have been given lots of brilliant advice on here yet still keep in contact with the man.

@rogueone Whilst I thank you for your input, it is a bit harsh. As I showed the police last week, he is blocked. It hasn't worked. He leaves me voicemails at work. What exactly am I supposed to do?? I'm waiting for them for issue him with a warning notice, therefore I need advice as to his accusation that I've taken some of his stuff. Well done for coming through this - I'm trying to get there. I've listened to all the wonderful advice on here and I find it very hurtful that you suggest I'm playing the good people of MN.

I'm waiting for a call back from my case officer. He left me another voicemail saying he's found some sports stuff of mine (which I could have sworn I had but my mother has searched my stuff for me and can't find it) and will dump it if I don't tell him what to do with it. I want it back so have phoned for advice on what to do / whether I can do anything. I feel so stressed.

He is upppint the ante on to get back in. And it's working. You must not contact either directly or through another. He either senses or knowe you have gone to police/ moved on. I do suggest you don't listrn to voice mails from him as they are winding you up. Get someone at work to do so and log info in case police need it but not tell you

Re the sports stuff. Let it go. I know ypu want it. But you wanted the money and have let it go. Same with this. Not worth the damage it is already doing. And again you are assuming he is reasonable and will pass it on. He is an abuser. He is dangling this to lure you back. Ignore and write off. Again. Look at WA Freedom Programme. Lolk on web for Living with the Dominator videos. Keep strong.

Thanks @MsPavlichenko That's a good idea about the work voicemails. I know you're right about letting the stuff go, it just sucks how much I'm having to do it. I moved out in such a rush with no help as my mother wasn't allowed in the house. I can't wait to leave here - I'm down to single figures in terms of weeks.

He is dangling this to lure you back

THIS.

remember how sick he is. You've lost stuff and money you don't want to - but if you give him any contact at all, you could have years more of this harassment. The police need you to keep your distance from him. You need you to keep your distance from him!

Might it help to write down all the good things that you can do now that you're not with him? that he held you back in?

Zoo with all due respect you were counselled to ask colleagues / PA to filter your work voicemails a long time back.

You also have the option to not listen to them, skip and delete - as you have done to date by blocking all other channels.

Why are you still actively engaging?

You must understand by now that the content of his communication is irrelevant and it just a method of harassment?

I am also very concerned that you actually put out “option b” ie to RESPOND to him - in all seriousness for consideration.

Also you can’t really “need” the sports kit if you haven’t even noticed it’s absence in 7 months - let it go.

I am not surprised you are stressed. I have given the analogy before that this process is like a game of snakes and ladders - you are making progress and then when YOU engage with contact (because you DO have a choice here) - you slide down a snake, end up hurt and regressed.

Do you WANT this drama? Do you need it?

Each day you engage it is a day further from your happy ever after - you are allowing your internal world to be preoccupied with this toxic past - which is holding you back from your brilliant future. You have made great strides in the practical, external changes - but I am concerned that the emotional stuff is lagging behind. Don’t count on the move erasing all of this - as wherever you go - there you are.

Are you still seeing your counsellor ?

I am still seeing my counsellor, although I only have one more session on the NHS.

I did ask my PA to listen to my voicemails for me but she's completely useless and hasn't been consistent with it. I get in before my colleagues most days so that's not been a workable alternative.

He has now been issued with the warning notice. I haven't needed the sports kit while in London but was planning to use it when I move as I'll be nearer a bunch of inland dive sites.
Oh well, I'll have to replace it with shiny new stuff.

Very good news re the notice. Please be vigilant and wary as he may try to escalate and you are at risk.

Again (I don't have shares) WA and Freedom programme. I understand that you may feel that you don't fit the DA vicim profile for all sorts of reasons. I really do. But you have nothing to lose by at least looking?

Zoo of course there is a workable alternative - you just skip / forward his voicemails - so suggesting your PA is useless is disingenuous.

Also back in Feb retrieving the dive kit was discussed and you decided to write it off - so why has this debate been resurrected?

Maybe you need to explore with your counsellor why you continue to leave channels open and to engage with this man.
You seem stuck. As others have said WA and/or the FP would pull you through this.

You have lost 7 months here when you could have been NC in order to put the distance in to heal and allow you to move on. This man is still very much in your life, and as long as he lives inside your head, this preoccupation is distracting you from building back your own sense of self and being a clear place to meet and pick someone wonderful to be the father of yout children.

@another20 This is slightly different kit - kit I thought I'd rescued from his house, but you're right, I have a terrible memory and I'm making excuses. I tend to rehash stuff when it comes up again (in the same way I can't not listen to a voicemail or read an email if I know it's there).

@MsPavlichenko I couldn't get onto a FP near me within the timeframe, so am looking at booking onto one to start after I move.

I feel very free since finding out he's been given the warning notice. I'm not looking over my shoulder every time I leave the office which is incredibly liberating. It's reassuring to know that there will be consequences if he does contact me again and that that's essentially his decision - behave or be arrested. I doubt he wants to go through that again. We'll see how long he keeps it up, but the longer the better for me.

Glad you feel reassured by the warning notice. I think that feeling shows you are moving forward - wasn't long ago you'd have mostly been feeling guilty at making "a fuss out of nothing".

And, in the same way, you can ignore a message he sends and not listen to it - and one day you'll feel confident that, were he to get in touch, you wouldn't be remotely interested in what he had to say.

@User10001 He would leave an almost daily voicemail at work which I did listen to (but oddly although the number was withheld, if he left a voicemail it used to record his mobile number), he sent me literally hundreds of emails and some days used to call my desk phone and work mobile 10+ times within minutes of each other and/or hang up on my PA if she answered. The police said that was plenty to go on.

While he didn't turn up at work I was fearful that he would. His caution was 4/5 years ago so not sure if it's still live. The police asked if I wanted to prosecute but I said not at this stage, I just wanted him spoken to and warned that if he continued then prosecution was a serious risk for him. They decided to issue a harassment warning notice which is basically that - a warning that his behaviour is harassment and if he continues, he'll be arrested. It's not a conviction of course although I think it does show up on an enhanced CRB check.

I would say speak to the police for advice and get this noted somewhere. Then if it continues they already know about it.

@User10001 In terms of what I did, I called 101 and asked for advice. They wanted all the details of what was happening etc which I explained (several times as they couldn't decide who's jurisdiction it was and kept handing it over). They (eventually) sent a police officer to take a witness statement and then after a week I spoke to my case officer who phoned him and issued the warning notice. It was a bit of a painful drawn out process but worth it as he's left me alone so far.