Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

It’s all about power and control and you are handing that to him every single time you read an email, listen to a voice mail or obsess about what he thinks, says, does. You are allowing him to hurt you, you are stopping yourself from recovering by re-setting that healing clock every time. You are not NC and until you take yourself out of punching distance you will get hurt time and again and not move on to your happy ever after.

Looks like you need significant RL support to get you through this. You have made big strides on changing the external environment (new house job etc) but your internal environment seems stuck back in December.

I don’t know what your fantasy is when you open an email - for him to have had a personality transplant and say “I am wrong, you are right, I love you, I have changed, let’s start again etc etc” - that will never happen. And if it does, it is lies to reel you back in so that he can continue to punish you close up. You have made a significant step in not responding for a few weeks - take the next one - 100% NC and get more RL support to deal with your emotional recovery. X

I hope you are alright, OP. You have come a long way and I am rooting for you. Stay strong. Do not engage anymore with that moron.

So the police are proving to be useless. I was meant to be called back on Thursday with an update on what they were going to do. Nothing and I couldn't get hold of anyone who could help yesterday. I'll chase again Monday.

@aeromint I'm feeling great thanks. I popped into the new house to try to meet some of the neighbours (which was successful). I then lost an hour as I started peeling off wallpaper and couldn't stop. I can't believe how incredibly satisfying it is!

Zoo which police force are you dealing with - where your new home is or where you were - ie where he is and where the offences are taking place? I often think that they’ve are not joined up and maybe if it is where you are now they might see it as not their remit so maybe giving it less concern? Keep pushing it and maybe also speak with the two support charities listed up thread. Is “Clare’s Law” helpful to you?

@another20 I phoned his local force who've already dealt with me, but they handed it over to my local force as that's where I'm "officially" living. It's his local force that's meant to be talking to him but my local force seem to be coordinating it. The offences are taking place in 4 different jurisdictions (my address, his, work and where I live during the week) which complicates things a bit. I'll call the case officer tomorrow.

It may be they're less interested because I said I wouldn't support a prosecution at this stage? I just want someone to have a word and don't want to be dragged through court - of course if he carries on after that, I will support a prosecution.

I know exactly what happened with his ex as I was there when it all kicked off, so I haven't bothered with Clare's law. I did speak to Paladin who have made a note of my call last week but recommended I go to the police. The National Stalking Helpline never answered the phone.

Remember you only saw what happened when you were there and the consequenences. Nothing before that.

No prosecution simply means at best that he leaves you alone and moves on to someone else. Of course that is down to him but worth bearing in mind. You have said that he is committing criminal offences.

Have you tried WA? They can offer counselling and support groups . Real life support might be what you need here.

Zoo

You might find Clare's Law throws a new light onto your situation - an application will show you any other history of domestic abuse or aggressive behaviour over an above the one incident that you witnessed. A man of his age will have a trail of carnage left behind him. www.met.police.uk/advice-and-information/domestic-abuse/clares-law-and-requesting-domestic-violence-offender-data/.

It is shocking that the police are not joined up as it leaves you really vulnerable. Would saying you are going ahead with a prosecution, jump start the process? You can always pull out later down the line when you ave got what you want? Is there anyway you could work with his last victim together to get through this?

Bit late here but just RTTT and wanted to say how amazing you sound! Well done for staying strong and rebuilding your life

@MsPavlichenko "Offences" was the word the policewoman used. I just repeated it, but now that I think about it it's interesting that I did... I haven't tried WA.

@another20 He was with his ex for 10+ years and came to the UK with her, so I don't think Clare's Law would help as I assume it's not international?

I guess I could start down the prosecution route but these things tend to gather momentum and I wouldn't want to waste police / court time when I (hopefully) won't need to go there - I want him to have a wake up call to make him realise that behaving like this has consequences and that he will end up back in court if he doesn't stop.

Thanks @HoneyBadgerApparently Anyone who reads the whole thread now deserves a medal!

This phrase "support a prosecution" - it sounds like the police decide if he could be prosecuted and you just agree with their judgement. Is that what it means?

If so, then if they think a warning is all he needs right now, that's what they'll do.

I meant should, not could, but it's the same idea - let it be their call, not yours?

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I'm probably wrong as this is all very new to me, but I suspect they can't prosecute him without my involvement, because they have no real evidence against him at the moment. They asked me for details of recent times he's called me etc so they could understand what was happening but I've not had to submit any of the emails or call logs etc or prepare a witness statement.

The case officer wasn't in today but hopefully she'll call me tomorrow with an update.

Ok, so say you gave them all the evidence you have, would they definitely prosecute then? I guess you can't know that now. There's a chance they'll say there's not enough here to prosecute, in which case they can have a quiet word instead.

What I mean is, why not let them make the decision rather than having the weight of that resting on your shoulders?

It's no wonder things don't get reported. Both police forces have closed their files as it's been handed over to a third force (based on my weekday address). I rang them for an update as I'd heard nothing and had no idea it had been passed on yet again, and they're refusing to do anything until I've given a statement. Which I've already done to the other two forces. What's really frustrating is that if they decide to send someone to talk to him, it has to be handed back to his local force.

I'm going to go to the nearest police station (for the correct force, not the one near my work as that's a fourth force) to see if they'll take my statement this evening, otherwise I have to cancel my weekend plans to get the renovations on my house started so they can send someone out to talk to me.

Plus I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week because of lack of experience. They knew I had no experience in that area before they interviewed me!

Aw Zoo33, you're being so strong. Good on you. You mentioned in your post that you feel like a fool. You're not a fool. You're being an incredibly strong woman and the thing is, I'm sure it wasn't all bad. It not being all bad is why so many people stay in the wrong relationships for so long. The very best of luck to you as you launch yourself forward in to your new life with endless new possibilities ahead of you...Stop 1: Freedom! x

He's called 9 times today. One voicemail and the others unknown numbers to my desk and work mobile. It has to be him because no voicemails are being left and whoever it is is hanging up when my PA answers the phone. Clients don't do that. I'm not giving my statement to the police until Wednesday.

Sorry about the job. It feels such a waste of time when they base their decision on something they knew before interview!

And it sounds very frustrating with the police, too. At least all these calls today should reassure you that it is the right thing to do, to get the police involved. Make sure you tell them everything on Wednesday and don't downplay it.

Are you still planning to do some things to the house this weekend? Hope that's a bit of positivity in your life!

Zoo I am really sorry that the police are not joined up and after all the cajoling for months from posters on here they have let you down when you found your strength to go.......but please just keep focused on Wednesday or if you have concerns maybe go to the station or call. 9 missed calls in NUTS NUTS NUTS. I don’t know how you can concentrate and function. I worry that he is physically following you as well. As this is just escalating and escalating. Are you able to keep yourself safe? Do you have someone in RL who is close to all of this?

You did brilliantly to get the interview - so many times companies make contact again a few months down the line when another opportunity opens up.......so keep strong. You really have achieved a lot.

If anything the (now 11) calls today have made me more determined. I think he's panicking because he knows my time at work is limited and he doesn't know when I leave or where I'm going. Which I think means I can expect this at least every Friday that he thinks will be my last...

I have no faith that Wednesday will lead to anything though, having had this passed on 3 times already. We'll see I guess. If they won't help or if they refer it elsewhere then I'm going to go ballistic.

I'm just astounded that he thinks after 6 months that this will all go away. He refuses to understand that it's over and that I mean it when I say I don't want him in my life. I'm happier than I have been in years. Okay my life isn't where I wanted it to be, but he's not in my future and that's a very good thing. This "it's really urgent call me" business is nonsense - other than the stuff I left at his (which I'll never see again) and the money (which I'll never get), there's nothing that could possibly be urgent. It's a fabrication.

I don't think he's following me as I cycle in and out of work and he's far too unfit to keep up even if he wanted to and there's no other way he could do so (city traffic being what it is). I do have a moment every evening when I think he might be waiting for me outside the office, but so far, he hasn't. I think I'm pretty safe in RL. He'd never get past security at work and my current housemates are very watchful as they know the whole story. He hasn't dared turn up at my parents since December - long may that last.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Yes I'm meeting my builder this weekend to discuss wall removal and general renovations. I expect I'll get sidetracked again peeling wallpaper!

Good to know that things are going smoothly, OP. You've got this. Stay strong.

You are doing well, you feel this good after 6 months - will feel even better after a year!

How does he know you are leaving your job?
Do your house mates and your work colleagues (and security) know what he looks like (inc height build) and car details if he has one. Might be worth sharing a photo in case he is lurking somewhere - he would/could hide / dodge from you, but not from them. Make a long and detailed list of every incident today so that you have this to hand for the police. Are there any mutual friends / colleagues that would unwittingly divulge info - if so they need to be tipped off.

Good luck for Wednesday. Bring someone with you to keep you on track if you can.

I'd go BALLISTIC if they'd closed my case without properly dealing with it.