Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

The healing clock can only start ticking once there there is total NC and he is put in the distance and you are not living your life on high alert looking over your shoulder all day every day. For the last 6 months that hasn’t happened, you life is destabilised frequently like a game of snakes and ladders with each contact. Current events are significant triggers and you need to take responsibility for protecting yourself emotionally though self care. I predict that Mr Nasty will exploit due date and escalate his behaviour eg sending you something, turning up etc. I would advise you to take this opportunity to contact the police preempt this to protect yourself. You need to decide how if you want to live the be next 6 months as you have lived the past. You have mentioned that he a police record - do you know what for harassment? Stalking? Might be good to get the detail of this from the police (via Clare’s Law) so you can be ready for his tactics and best placed to protect yourself. I also think this record is only the tip of the iceberg - he will have a full catelogue of carnage of many abusive relationships behind him than just the one before yours.

agreed with everything another says.

I also think that as you've said, once he -finally- gives up on you he'll move onto his next victim and behave in exactly the same way with her, except it might get worse. You going to the police might actually help that next victim.

It's done. My local force (at my new house) will send someone to talk to me (don't know how long that'll take though - I hope they do it soon) and then they may recommend that his local force send someone to have a word with him after I've given a statement and been given advice as to how to protect myself.

Well done

I feel like I've betrayed him. It's completely ridiculous. I know I've given him every chance to be reasonable and to take the break up like any normal adult would (i.e. mourn the relationship and move on).

Remember, someone else was driven to take this step too - and in fact, he still did not give up.

You're still (understandably) thinking with your heart when it feels like a betrayal. In time, hopefully you can see that this was the only reasonable step by now ... in fact, some time ago.

Just demonstrates how controlling and in your head he is/was (FOG) if you feel that you are betraying him after all he has done.

Maybe turn it around to see that you would have betrayed all future innocent victims who would cross his path if you hadn’t reported. In time you will also realise that you would have betrayed yourself. You will also be doing him a favour right now to save him from himself. You have done something incredibly brave and honourable. Stand tall and be proud. Xxxx

Well done. I completely understand how you feel. That is common in an abusive relationship, and takes time, and work to leave behind.

Hopefully you might look at WA/Freedom Programme. Some great little animated films online that are easy to watch (living with the Dominator).Hope you are managing to enjoy the new house!

Thanks guys. The support I've received on here has been so utterly incredible - it's taken me time to realise what I needed to do, but knowing I had so much support has been more helpful than I can ever describe. I really wish none of us had to go through this.

My biggest fear is that he'll work out where I've gone and that it'll ruin my safe new house. It's not my forever home but it's not for him to chase me out of it. Today's tally is 3 emails and a voicemail.

I've not had a chance to enjoy the new house sadly. I plan to go in this weekend to make a list of what needs doing and am meeting a builder friend next weekend to try to work out what I can get done. I'm not actually moving in until late August because of my notice period at work but I hope to get all the main work done before then - I want an open plan kitchen so am knocking down a (load bearing) wall, removing horrible inbuilt wardrobes and re-carpeting otherwise I'll never bother. I've figured out how to use the zapper to turn off the burglar alarm which is good, although I don't know where the console is if I need to use the code...

The important thing is that it's mine and hopefully the police will help keep it untainted.

You are doing great and your sparkly new future is just around the corner - the loving man, the gorgeous bump - gets nearer and nearer the further and further you get from him physically and emotionally. Please don’t minimise or excuse any of his actions when you speak with the police due to your FOG. You have a quite accurate documentation of actions from this thread - write it all down and hand it over so that they are clear of the extent and intensity of his actions.

Today has, surprisingly, been a good day. It's my due date and I cried a little last night but felt good today. I had two job interviews and visited the new house, which I'm liking more the more I see it (it wasn't my first choice house) but I'm excited to get the work done and move in.

Needless to say he has forgotten the significance of today but is feeling upset because a friend of his is miscarrying.

I don't care!!

I'm glad today has been good despite the significance, and thinking of you and your loss.

How do you know how/what he is feeling or doing? Much better that you know nothing about him, even indirectly. Also try not to speculate on how he might be feeling as it doesn't help you move forward. And be on alert for any attempt to contact you given the date in the hope you may respond. He is an expert manipulator, he may well try to exploit it.

@MsPavlichenko He's been emailing me. I'm going to chase the police tomorrow - they were supposed to call me yesterday with a plan of action but I've heard nothing.

Tough days for you and you have got to the otherside which is an big milestone and achievement. Are you able to block his emails ?

@another20 He is on the blocked senders list but it's still not working for one of his email addresses.

Can you have them sent unread to a folder or other address. Or can you do that without reading them. Would help I think.

I've done that but then he leaves me a voicemail at work telling me he's emailed me. I've never been very good at resisting things when I know there's something there... I need to work on that, I know. Otherwise I don't look at that folder at all.

If the police do talk to him then I'll likely get a barrage of emails / voicemails saying he can't believe I did that, he thought better of me, how could I be so cruel etc.

So what if he does? More evidence to get a restraining order against him which you know you will have to do in the end

Are you responding to any of the emails / voicemails? When was the last time you made contact with him?

Can you divert your work voicemail to a colleague or your PA/admin with a greeting from them?

Again WA and Freedom Programme can offer valuable support in how you deal with this including your responses. Your worrying about his ongoing responses is just another control issue.

I haven't responded to him in any way for several weeks.

I know and that's great. I was meaning your response in reading the emails, listening to voicemails and worrying about what he might do or say next. You are still reacting to him albeit indirectly.

You can take control back by completely disengaging from it all. Chasing up the police is a good plan too.