Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

@another20 My friends all hate him so none of them will divulge any info. I'm confident of that. My colleagues know he's harassing me so are on the look out. My housemates know what he looks like, although my colleagues don't. I have a list of all Friday's calls, along with other voicemails to work in the last 2 weeks or so, which I will hand over to the police. I mentioned to him ages ago that I was buying a house and leaving so he knows it's imminent (or that it might already have happened). He knew I was unhappy living in the city and that I'd stopped enjoying my job so it wasn't a huge leap to work out there was nothing for me there after we broke up.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea The police are visiting me at home. My housemates are on holiday but I'll see if a friend will be there for me instead.

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot!

Sounds like you are on hi alert Zoo so well done.

Can you list out all of the harassment / stalking / unwanted contact and not just the last 2 weeks - as the police will need to see the scope and scale of it all - this thread should have a log.

How are the house renovation plans going?

Thanks @another20 I've got all the emails since March-ish time and all my replies to those before that.

Renovation plans are going well. Met the builder and ran through everything I want doing. He's pricing that up this week.. 😬 Otherwise I've got my curtains being changed, the fitted wardrobes being removed (they're hideous), I've chosen new carpets, bought a bed for the spare room and can't wait to start painting.

Zoo - how he behaved in your relationship for 4 years is domestic abuse (coercive control) and is a crime - you should report that to the police:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Just from your thread you have documented incessant calls from 19th Dec 2017. It is now 6 months later and his abuse / stalking / harassment is unrelenting - you showing a list of emails since March is not the truth. It is minimising what he has done and also minimises his potential threat to your personal safety - he has already trashed your mental safety.

You wont get the response from the police that you NEED unless you tell the truth. They need to understand the whole scope and scale in all its volumious detail in order to protect you (and others / his next victim).

Can you work with womans aid/ freedom programme to support you in doing this?

What did he do to his last partner to get a conviction?

@another20 I'll be looking back through this thread to make sure I properly document the last 6 months.

He harassed her, received a caution for it and then breached a court order (conditional discharge).

It's also worth asking work to keep records of all the calls they receive that are likely to be from him. You said that sometimes it's a silent call, so in theory it -could- not be him, but he spoke in some early calls too. If there's any chance of getting a record of all those calls, the early voice ones and the silent ones, it's worth doing because harassing you at work is all part of the picture and tbh it's pretty bad.

@SeaEagleFeather Unfortunately work don't back up voicemails or log calls. I've already asked. I'm very aware Friday's calls in particular might not all be him (and he'll certainly argue they weren't), but clients don't tend to hang up on secretaries or make 4 calls in 4 minutes to 2 different numbers without leaving a single voicemail.

no ... shame. Maybe it's worth recording anyway because it's likely to be him; its part of his pattern

You are doing amazingly, OP - only people who have been through it can actually understand how hard (and weird) this all is.

Thinking of you today.

Statement given. I'm exhausted. They're hopefully going to issue him with a harassment warning, after which (if he ignores it) he'll be prosecuted. That's exactly what I wanted so I'm happy (well, you all hopefully know what I mean). It could take several weeks to do though depending on what "risk" category they put this into.

In other news, my parents' neighbour might have found me an eligible man - I'm excited at the prospect, even if it doesn't happen / we don't get on. To me that's the best sign that there's light at the end of all this, that I'm interested in meeting someone new and moving on from all this crap.

Extremely well done zoo
This thread might fill up and end soon - make an optimistic new title if you are beginning another!
You are a true survivor, and he is an idiot.

what teabay says .. you are a survivor, and he is a total idiot [coffee]

Well done you

Thanks all. I don't feel like a survivor, but I much prefer it to the title "victim"!

I know what you mean. I consider myself an 'escapee"!!!

@Teabay Now that word I love, it's perfect!!

When are you meeting your neighbours' friend? good luck! :D at least it'll be a nice evening out

@SeaEagleFeather Not sure yet - my number is being passed to him and we'll take it from there. That's what I thought - a nice evening out if nothing else comes of it. I don't even know his name yet or where he's based, but I do know what his career is, so that's something at least.

I have a name and location. He's away this week though apparently. Google wasn't very helpful in finding a photograph. I feel like such a stalker and I've not even met him yet.

ROFL you feel like a stalker?

Im sorry but in the circumstances that is kinda funny. You've got a stalker all of your very own, you looking once on Google doesnt really count :D

Hahahaha @SeaEagleFeather Didn't think of it like that!! 😬

Why does it feel like everything in my life is a challenge? Just spoken to my builder. He's seeking a second opinion tomorrow but is concerned that taking the kitchen wall out will need additional support and will therefore involve removing part of the ceiling from the kitchen and dining room which means removing the bathroom upstairs. I don't understand but he's a family friend so I trust him, but it was supposed to be a relatively straightforward job with a load bearing wall. He says he's done worse but that kind of work will cost far more than I have and I suspect won't be done before I move in. I wouldn't have bought the house if I'd realised taking the wall out would be so problematic.

I am sure you will find a way around it ..... half the wall out ? Broken plan is the new open plan !

@NeverLetYouGo I've got a structural engineer and have paid for a site visit, calculations and drawings, but the builder says what has been suggested won't work.