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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 09/12/2017 13:56

Never has a thread been so unanimous.

Please get in there first and tell him YOU have made the decision and it's over. Stay in contact for the children but that is it [flower]

Starlight2345 · 09/12/2017 13:56

I agree with everyone else..

I would add...If he did take you back..I get the feeling he would be well I picked you and almost a null your right to be angry.

Also after 20 years of marriage..He needs time to think about if he wants to be with you. Errr no he had 20 years to decide that and should of done before he jumped into bed with someone else.

He also already made a choice .

I also was in a position not the same but I kept trying as I wanted to be a family..In the end I realised I was the only one trying to make a family.

Angelf1sh · 09/12/2017 13:58

You are not responsible for the end of your marriage, he is. You are not responsible for any pain felt by your children, he is. You do not have to turn yourself into a doormat to try and make up for his shitty behaviour. Do not teach your children that women are doormats to be walked over by men as they see fit. TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF.

As another poster has said, if he’d come back apologising and doing everything he could to make up for things, maybe it could have worked out for you. But this way is just trash. He’s using you and keeping his options open until he decides it’s going to work out with the OW.

revengeongc · 09/12/2017 13:59

OP, in the words of the marvellous ChumpLady (please check out her site and book), "You have an intact family: you and the kids. Now it's just minus one fuckwit."

InternetHoopJumper · 09/12/2017 14:00

You can't save something that someone else smashed into a million pieces. You can only rebuild it, with someone else. You'd be setting a poor example for your children if you even considered taking him back. Teach yourself and them that they deserve love and respect and that a relationship is not a job interview.

EssentialHummus · 09/12/2017 14:00

What everyone else said. You deserve far, far better even if you can’t see that at the moment.

Tiddlywinks63 · 09/12/2017 14:01

Nothing 'wonderful' about this adulterous, selfish arse op.
I'd be helping him choose by kicking him out and telling him to bugger off. He made that choice months ago and he'd be persona non grata in my home.
What a pretentious idiot.
You're the winner here op, being rid of him. OW's welcome to him.

Ropsleybunny · 09/12/2017 14:02

Just to offer you a handhold OP Flowers. Also to say that the wise ladies on here are right. You have ended your marriage, he has. You must not sit around waiting for his decision. Take control of your life and tell him to do one.

Ropsleybunny · 09/12/2017 14:02

*haven't

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 09/12/2017 14:03

My love, even if he " chooses" you , he will probably still keep on seeing her and sleeping with her anyway.....my second only ever...LTB....good luck xxx

snotandbothered · 09/12/2017 14:04

It's simple.

If you don't end it, you will NEVER have his respect. Ever.

That doesn't mean there may not be reconciliation in the future, but right now this is the ONLY way to save your marriage.

JustAnIdiot · 09/12/2017 14:05

When mine did this he actually asked me whether he could come back if it didn't work out with her.

I said no, he either dumped her immediately or left immediately to be with her. He dumped her & we tried to fix our marriage. It's still pretty shit 15 years later & I'm looking to move out soon.

I wish I'd told him to sling his hook back then. Don't be me Flowers

Joysmum · 09/12/2017 14:05

How do I look them in the face if I don't do everything to save our marriage?

You did everything when in your marriage, he broke your marriage and then did nothing to try to make Anne say, just wanted to keep 2 women in the go at once.

You can’t try enough to make up for the fact that he’s not trying at all 😔

LEELULUMPKIN · 09/12/2017 14:08

I just wanted to chip in my ha'penny's worth. I totally agree with all the previous posters and you proved to yourself when he left the first time that you can so do this. Please take control, the minute you do that you have taken the first step towards finding the proper respect, love and life you so deserve. I wish you nothing but the best.

glitterlips1 · 09/12/2017 14:14

I would tell him not to come back. Usually men/people want what they can't have. However, I just would not stand for any man treating me like that regardless to whether I had children or not, although I appreciate how it might be more difficult to separate when children are involved.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/12/2017 14:14

Echoing everyone else - you didn't break it, you can't fix it all by yourself.
He broke it, he's the one who can't decide whether to bin it or fix it and what does that tell you about how much he values your life and marriage together?
Getting back together with you would be SO much harder - guilt, having to work at regaining trust, going back to a situation that will NOT be comfortable and may end up disintegrating anyway from the stress - or going off with new woman who will be happy to have him and won't have any of that back stuff going on. Yes, he might miss his children but he should have thought about that before he started dipping his wick elsewhere, eh.

Your children will not thank you later if they find out that you took him back for their "benefit", if he then leaves again later, or you stay together in an acrimonious situation.

Shakirasma · 09/12/2017 14:15

Your marriage is already over, it's just a matter of when.

If you engage in the pick me dance and win, how long with the happiness last?

What happens the first time he's late home from work? What will you think? Or the next time he goes out and is late back or you dont think his reason for going out is good enough?

That is not a marriage, not a good one based on trust and respect. Because he has no respect for you and how can you possibly trust him ever again?

Why would you want to teach your children what marriage is based on a sham? Don't you want better for them? Teach them about respect, boundaries and consequences, don't show them that being a doormat is acceptable. And don't let them see that it's ok to treat somebody that way!

StayAChild · 09/12/2017 14:15

I would want to get in touch with the OW. Tell her what's really going on and hopefully both agree to dump his sorry arse! Obviously, that may not be possible for you, but it's what I'd feel like doing.
Don't let him treat you and your DC this way OP.

gunsandbanjos · 09/12/2017 14:16

There's no marriage left to save, he's broken every one of his vows by the sounds of it. Is he currently loving, honouring and cherishing you? No? thought not.

Don't wait around for this selfish man to come back, he and he alone is responsible for the breaking up of your family unit. You can heal the wounds without him, be a role model for your children and don't allow this awful behaviour to be forgiven and normalised.

BuzzKillington · 09/12/2017 14:18

OMG - mental.

Run for the hills, OP. You will never be happy again if you settle for this.

April229 · 09/12/2017 14:19

Seriously OP do you want to be with someone that after dedicating 20 years to him he still has to deliberate this long about whether to be with you? Why do you want to be with him? If he ‘chooses you’ what would life be like with him after this?

You saw light at the end of the tunnel before. You could do again. In a years time you will look back on this time with less regret I think if you text him to say YOU have decided not to ‘choose him’.

stereophonically · 09/12/2017 14:20

You need to tell him to fuck away off to the OW. Bet he pleads with you. Don't fall for it.

maggiecate · 09/12/2017 14:20

Put the Beautiful South's A Little Time on a loop and listen to the lyrics. He wants to have his cake and eat it with this love you both bollocks. You deserve so much better than. He chose to have an affair, he lied and now he's playing silly buggers because no doubt he's discovered the grass isn't actually greener.

romany4 · 09/12/2017 14:21

Would I fuck be sitting waiting to find out if my husband wanted me or not.
I'd rather be alone.
What if he 'picks' you and then changes his mind? You are worth so much more than that

Straycatblue · 09/12/2017 14:22

For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis,

Just to add to what Ive already said but you the way you describe this is as if midlife crisis is something that is not only compulsory but that he has no control over his behaviour..
You can actually have a midlife crisis and change your life for the better and not choose to treat your wife badly, lie to her and cheat on her.

Whatever you believed about your "wonderful" husband was a lie, he IS a man who is willing to betray and destroy his marriage and is willing to betray and destroy you.
He has CHOSEN to do this to you and your family. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Whenever you think about taking him back because he is a "wonderful man" remember, every time he lied to you, it was a choice, every time he had sex with another woman breaking your heart and forcing you to get STI checks, he chose to do it.
He looked at you , made an active decision and chose to do this to you over and over.
He is not a wonderful man.