DH choosing between me and the OW

[Tearsofthemushroom]

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

FrLuke I'd be even stronger than that to be honest.

'I'll make this easy for you. I am not an option for you anymore. I refuse to settle for a cheat who thinks he can make me dance to his tune. It's over.'

As Diddl said, how do you look them in the face if you take him back?
You have not, and will not have failed you children. He has!!

You won't save your marriage by allowing him to see you as a doormat. You just delay the heartbreak and spread it out over a longer period.

People tend to value what they lose. Think about it: when have you felt more intensely for him? Choose for him. Choose your kids, choose yourself. Tell him he's had his chance and blown it. She's welcome to the booby prize he has shown himself to be.

You are better than this, OP. Make sure he knows it.

It is so hard with two young children who I want to have a whole family. How do I look them in the face if I don't do everything to save our marriage?

This is not in your hands. You are not the one doing anything: he is. The person who should struggle to look those children in the face is the man doing this to them, and to their primary carer. What is this push-me-pull-you doing to your capacity to care for the kids as a happy, secure person? He is the one harming them. Don't enable him.

He does not deserve the choice between you both! Who the hell does he think he is, and more importantly, who do YOU think you are, to be treated so badly?

Plan a lovely Christmas with your children and adults you can trust. Tell him you have had enough and don't want to see him until the New Year, and he can arrange contact with the kids via a third party. Arrange to do lovely things with your kids and your friends, and let him learn what life could be without his clear certainty that you're still his, should he want you. Let HIM worry about whether you are actually available to him for a change! What is the worst that can happen - he leaves, as he has threatened for months? Honestly, given his behaviour I wouldn't see that as a loss, but I also can't help but suspect you will be a lot more appealing if he thinks you aren't going to play his pick me dance any more.

OP, You cant save a marriage, when only one person is trying.

There is more to life than waiting for someone to love you. Love yourself, that's more important.

You have done everything to save your marriage he broke his promise, he does NOT get to choose. How dare he?!!
Why would you want him after this, show yourself and your children respect.
Choose you.
I say this as a child of divorced parents who should she divorced years before, my father had numerous affairs there was no love, no respect, no trust, my mum stayed to keep the family together, it was hell and actually I still kinda resent her for it.

I know it’s difficult but I think if you don’t take back some power now and tell him you’re done you will regret it.

My kids dad and i divorced after he had a thing with another woman. He tried to come back few months later and I told him it was too late. We coparent really well and the kids are happy and secure. Having separated parents is no biggy. It really isn’t.

Really sorry I haven't read all the comments so I may be saying something that's been said.

I'm also dealing with a midlife crisis and want my family back but I know if there was someone else that would be done.

The thing is, he didn't find someone after leaving. She was found before. Which is the worst bit

As someone who has been where you are, don't believe that this is a once and for all decision on his part in any event. My exH did all this then declared that I was the one for him and it was over with OW. Six months down the line I found he had been sneaking back round her again basically from the day after he said that.

Bin him off lovely and save yourself a world of hurt.

Hi lovely.

I'm guessing that he's picked her but because he loses his family and family life with her he's still unsure.

This isn't your fault or your responsibility and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Tell him to fuck off, he's keeping you dangling whilst still seeing the ow. How dare he! Would you ever be able to trust him again?

Not that this should be your main concern! I am not suggesting you tell him to do one to try to get him back because it sounds rather as if you'd be better off without him.

I would also think about what life would be like if he DID come back. Do you think you could live, long term, with someone who had done this? Without being scared all the time of his doing it again?

Nobody gives you a medal for "saving a marriage". He's not a drowning man

He threw himself overboard and into the arms of another woman. He doesn't want to be "saved". Even if you do get him back, you'll always be second guessing yourself and the relationship. He'll be on such a tight leash.

You won't trust yourself because you "saved the marriage", therefore it must have been something you did that caused him and his cock to go to the bed of another woman.

The future will be hard, I wouldn't want to walk in your shoes for the next year BUT you will survive with your self-esteem intact if you make the right decision.

LTB.

It's not down to you to save the marriage. He broke the vows, not you. Why are you fighting to save it when he's weighing up his options?!

Forgive the phrasing, but he really must feel like a dog with two dicks mustn't he? A "choice" of two women and neither of them apparently willing to say what he needs to hear

And what happens if you take him back - is he going to feel he's conferred some huge favour on you, and expect you to bend the knee in gratitude? To be a good little wife forever in case he might feel like making a different choice now?

Not exactly a good example to set the children, is it?

Pmsl (if it weren't so serious) at all the people on here who would end a 20 year marriage by text.

If you decide not to be part of his ridiculous game (and I agree with all the pp that you really should NOT) then phone him and tell him or tell him face to face. Don't text. It makes you look immature.

Nooooooo he doesn’t get to decide. You tell him there’s the door your not coming back through it ever again. You are worth wayyyy more than being someone’s possible 2nd choice. Plus do you really want to look over your shoulder for the next OW to catch his eye.
Be strong a better life is out there for you xxxx

You cant save a marriage, when only one person is trying.

This.

Where is his concern for your marriage in all this? For your children? Even for the OW he claims to care for?

His only concern is with himself.

I'm guessing he's telling her something completely different and is currently shacked up her, enjoying his bit on the side and making all sorts of promises so he can get his end away. All this while stringing the OP along. I know the thought is probably too much OP but he has cheated, he has slept with at least one other woman, I don't think I could ever get over that kind of betrayal, even for the sake of the kids. He has cracked the heart of your relationship wide open and it will never be the same again.

Actually a text is a great idea. He can't gaslight the OP or talk her round and, given the shock it's a good idea for the OP to text rather than call.

They can sit down together at a later stage. Given the gross disrespect he has shown the OP and their relationship, a text is all he deserves.

I know it's a very difficult situation but staying in an unhappy, unstable relationship isn't healthy for your children either. Imagine the impact on them and you your husband comes back then later turns around and changes his mind again! Children need stability. You don't have to be married to provide that.

It is so hard with two young children who I want to have a whole family. How do I look them in the face if I don't do everything to save our marriage?

But you did do everything to save your marriage , you gave him another chance and their father repeatedly treated you, their mother badly.

Not only has he been having an affair and left you once but hes got back with you only to leave you again to choose between you and the other woman.

Is this what you want to model to your children , that this is acceptable behaviour for you to accept being treated like a doormat with no self worth other than to wait for a man to choose if you are worthy enough. What would you say to your children if this was happening to them.

Choose to end this fuckwittage and take control of the decision.

You may not feel you can do it but you can find the strength within you to have a happy life without having to be treated badly.

ps
men in this situation have an almost 6th sense about when you are starting to feel like you can cope without them and invariably pop back into your life with breadcrumbs of hope to try and keep you dangling like a puppet just as you think you are getting better. Be aware that this may happen several times along your journey and dont be fooled by it.

It's emotional blackmail.
You begin to do ok. He realises he needs to buy more time to sort his shit out so feeds you bullshit.
The OW will also be getting the same bullshit.

He has also probably figured out the actual finanical costs of a divorce and that he will have to take care of his children himself for x time every week.

Agree with everyone else, if he can’t see you’re the prize it’s over. If you have OW’s number I’d text the message to her as well. That way she’ll never know if he’s really chosen to be with her. Why should she have peace of mind?

You tell the children that daddy has fallen in love with someone else but that both of you still love them and always will.

Then you get started on the rest of your life.

You didn’t cheat, he did. Hold you head up.