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Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
FoolandFitz · 09/12/2017 13:24

Been where your are Tearsof

Your H is being completely self absorbed, all about his pain, his angst. What about you? I bet he hasn't thought about the pain he has given, only about how he feels guilty. He is making a drama filled situation all because you pulled away from him when you were beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Do you think the timing is coincidence?

I told mine in no uncertain terms, I can't be with someone who isn't sure that he wants to be with me. I got to decide.

SpareASquare · 09/12/2017 13:25

Oh, he's hedging his bets. Classic, and predictable move.

Has you lined up in case it doesn't work out with the OW. I'm sure he could sense that you were doing better and has thrown you a bone so you will be ready if he needs.

You are SO much better that that OP. Worthy of way, way more. Believe it.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2017 13:26

How do I look them in the face if I don't do everything to save our marriage?

Would you want them to put up with this treatment in their own marriages? Do you want them to see a model where one partner does what they like and the other puts up with it?

diddl · 09/12/2017 13:26

He's a cheating arsehole-why would you want him back?

Even if you do -it's your decision & your terms.

He makes it sond as if he's doing you a favour!

Oooh, if you're lucky you can have me again after I've had someone else.Hmm
Bleurrgh!

ADishBestEatenCold · 09/12/2017 13:26

I am so sorry you have been through this, Tearsofthemushroom, him cheating, leaving and then just as you were starting (as you say) "to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel", he has put you through some more hell!

Please don't wait for him to 'choose'.

If he chose you, you wouldn't feel good, because he still wouldn't face what he has done. He would continue to put you through hell and your marriage would still end, the only difference being that it would be a bit further down the line, and you would be a lot weaker. You know that is true.

If he didn't chose you, he would have been allowed to throw even more pain in your direction, eroding the hard earned gains you have achieved in those two months. Remember the light at the end of the tunnel?

Please, don't let him him choose, Tearsofthemushroom. Contact him today (email, pm) and simply say ...

"Exes-name. You lied, you cheated, you committed adultery, you ended our twenty years of marriage and you left me. Let's leave it at that. The choice is now mine. Tearsofthemushroom"

Send the message, you will feel your own strength, and you will find that your light is still there at the end of that tunnel.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/12/2017 13:27

Wow.
This is sad to read.
Please value yourself more than this.
YOU take back control and make it very easy for him.
They are welcome to each other.
There is nothing men dislike more than women doing the 'pick me' dance.
It shows you don't value yourself at all.

Gemini69 · 09/12/2017 13:27

imagine a man treating your grown up Daughter in such a way.. what would you tell her Lady Flowers

Quartz2208 · 09/12/2017 13:28

By accepting its best for them for it to be a clean break rather than live with parents who are unhappy and the trust has gone

user1497997754 · 09/12/2017 13:28

You must be having a really hard time with this situation I really feel for you....20 years is along time to be with someone going through all the good and bad times that marriage brings with it. Perhaps YOU need to give yourself some headspace and decide what YOU would like....it sounds abit unfair that he is the one that seems to be calling all the shots on this one. Coming up yo Christmas never really helps as all you see is all those lovely family's and your situation is not reflecting thus right now. Big hugs from me to You.

ProjectGainsborough · 09/12/2017 13:30

I get that ‘nice’ people can fall out of love and leave their partners. But nice people definitely do NOT keep someone in a holding pattern while they do a ‘will I/ won’t I’ dance.

Your kids would be harmed by a family model based on such a lack of trust and respect. I’m so sorry this happened lovely, but keep moving forward without him Flowers

IamPickleRick · 09/12/2017 13:31

How can HE look them in the face if he didn't do everything to save your marriage. You've done nothing wrong and frankly, they'll grow up with more respect for you for leaving than if you stay and make yourself a doormat.

This marriage isn't for you to save. It's for him to save. This choosing ridiculous undermines that entirely.

Chaosofcalm · 09/12/2017 13:31
  1. He left you
  2. He is trying to play you off against another women
  3. He is saying he loves you but his actions are no that of someone who loves you
  4. He is continuing to mess you around by saying he will make a decision soon
  5. He does not seem to realise that you can make your own decision about this situation
  6. He has lied by having an affair. He has effectively lied saying he has ended it with OW and loves when she still seems to be in the picture. How do you know he is telling the truth now? What would it take for you to trust him again.

If you do for whatever reason decide to stay with him and he decides he wants you then you need to think about what he needs to do to make it work.

FrLukeDuke · 09/12/2017 13:33

Say "I know you want to choose between us, but I'm afraid I'm not one of the choices available to you. You've shown you can't be faithful and that's not good enough for me. You'd better go with OW as I'm not an option for you any more."

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/12/2017 13:33

You live a life that shows your children that NOBODY needs to live with being second best! HE left. What they don't need is their mother spending all their childhoods prostrating herself in order to stop their father from leaving again.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 13:34

He is not a good man. He is a man who has had an affair which means lying to you, bare faced lying to do, on a daily basis. Chances are, joint family monies have been used to finance his fun. Good men don’t do that. If he loved you he would respect you, he wouldn’t engage in behaviour that is going to hurt you. It is deliberate, you don’t accidentally have an affair.

I have been there. I desperately wanted my ex to see the light and stick two fingers up at her. I am grateful he picked her and stuck with her. With distance and time, I realised it could never have worked again because I wasn’t prepared to live with any of it, and nor did I want to live with that sick feeling in the pit of the stomach on the days he was inevitably late home cos how would Imever know if it was genuinely traffic or a quickie in the broom cupboard?

toomanycreambuns · 09/12/2017 13:34

Absolutely not!

It's your decision and I suggest you tell him you are no longer an option. If he comes back, life will never be the same and you will never be able to trust him ever again.

Move on. You don't have to accept crumbs.

Two great books to read when you need a reality check!

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=why+men+love+bitchs&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1505191156&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/0007431856/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=hes+just+not+that+into+you&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1505191231&sr=8-2

diddl · 09/12/2017 13:34

"How do I look them in the face if I don't do everything to save our marriage?"

How do you look them in the face if you take him back?

Imsorrynow · 09/12/2017 13:34

Good grief, the arrogance of the man.
Sounds like you’d win the booby prize if he ‘chooses’ you Tears
You’re worth more than that Flowers

Chaosofcalm · 09/12/2017 13:35

How do I look them in the face if I don't do everything to save our marriage?

Most of what your children learn about relationships comes from their parents relationship. What do you want to teach them about relationships? It is Ok to treat people badly and you should accept bad treatment because of other people’s expectations.

Thetreesareallgone · 09/12/2017 13:36

As the adult child of parents who divorced, I wish my mum had jumped ship earlier. Nothing worse than seeing her hurt and treated like crap, and doing the pick me dance, when in fact, your dad is running around being an utter twat with a younger single woman.

If you get him back- what then? He's not a prize if he's running off with OW when you have small children. He's not prioritising the 'whole family' at all. He can still be a parent, but he's not part of an integrated loving family because he walked away- and may still do so again.

MiniAlphaBravo · 09/12/2017 13:36

Wow he left you, cheated on you and is now messing with your head even more but you still feel guilty that YOU are the one ending the marriage!! This just shows how women are made to carry enormous guilt. You would do your kids a favour by setting an example of self respect by telling him to fuck off and choose this ow as you are better than this crap.
Good luck, you don't deserve to be treated like this, and neither do your kids x

NoStraightEdges · 09/12/2017 13:37

You've got through the hard bit, don't look back! Keep ploughing forward. The children don't need a nuclear family to be happy, they need love and stability and divorced parents can absolutely provide this in spades.

If it doesn't work out second time round, you'll have to go through ALL this again. Sad

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/12/2017 13:37

It is so hard with two young children who I want to have a whole family

You and your children are a whole family. Don’t buy into the nuclear family is the only way. It isn’t. It really, really isn’t.

LadyLapsang · 09/12/2017 13:38

Darling, I've already decided - we are over. Now that is decided, I think we just need to focus on working together to be good parents to our children and sorting out the practicalities. Best wishes, Tears

Petalflowers · 09/12/2017 13:39

you are worried about your children's reaction, fair enough, but you can build a good future without dh. He has betrayed them, not you. Remember that.

As other have said, take control,of the situation.

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