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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/12/2017 14:24

Just read your other threads. Leave him to the woman who managed to stay faithful to her own husband for two whole months, she’s a keeper Shock

HerRoyalNotness · 09/12/2017 14:24

What all the others said ^

Just how long are Kent going to justify their shitty behaviour by saying it's a MLC? NO it isn't, it's a mid life betrayal. Don't let him decide.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/12/2017 14:24

*men!

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 09/12/2017 14:27

Talk about having his cake and eating it...
LTB

Willow2017 · 09/12/2017 14:30

Sod that.
HE doesnt get to 'choose' anything. HE left you and kids.
HE put himself first.
HE is playing you both off against each other to see who begs him to chose them.

Tell him YOU choose not to be with a lying cheating selfish arse thank you.
You will look back and realise what a bullet you dodged. If he needs to 'choose' then he alrady chosen by leaving you all.

I would be forever looking over my shoulder for signs that he was still in contact with ow as he already has done. He is an idiot. Tell him you hope the sex was worth throwing his family away for.

Tell your kids dad doeant love me any more so he has left the house but we both still love you as much as ever and that wont change.
He doesnt deserve any sugar coating Let him explain himself to them if they ask.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 09/12/2017 14:33

My dh had a midife crisis. It consisted of him re-evaluating his life and deciding to give up his cushy, well paid private sector job and go and work for a pittance for a charity. We discussed it at length before he did this, taking into consideration the financial impact on ourselves and the dc. And then I supported him every step of the way in doing this.

Having a midlife crisis does NOT mean having to go and shag somebody else. If that had been the form my dh's MLC had taken he would have been out on his ear sharpish.

As all the pp have said, please have some self respect and take control of this situation. You have done everything possible to try to save your marriage, he hasn't. So it's over. He doesn't get to decide because he's already decided to betray you repeatedly.

You deserve far better than this.

Willow2017 · 09/12/2017 14:34

Maggie
Brilliante song choice.

Yep he has discovered ow isnt such a great idea after all and hedging his bets.

His bed let him lie in it.

Allergictoironing · 09/12/2017 14:35

What he's probably trying to decide is whether he loves having his fun shiny new romance more, or his very comfortable home life more.

Quite often if men say they are missing & love their wives still, it's the familiar routine, the being looked after by someone who knows & understands their wants & foibles, who cooks the food they want and the way they like it, the boring housework being done because the existing wife has given up on trying to get them to do it - the list goes on.

PoorYorick · 09/12/2017 14:37

My God, please make the decision for him. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Whatififall · 09/12/2017 14:39

I'm sorry that you're going through this op but I can only echo the thoughts of everyone else. Choose for him. Do not be an option. If he loved and wanted you he would be with you.
Be strong.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2017 14:42

As Diddl said, how do you look them in the face if you take him back

This, Children grow up thinking “dad cheated, mum put up with it”. They will respect you more if you end it. No one grows up thinking mum put up with dads cheating for us, yay, good for her.

In addition, I very much doubt this is all about your kids, it’s about the fact you wish to stay married and are scared to be alone, so will take his shit.

The only thing you owe your children is to be a good role model.

Animation86 · 09/12/2017 14:46

Oh hell no

It’s one thing to have an affair and KNOW who you “love” (I put that mildly, it’s a questionable word!)

To LEAVE you and then want back? Na! That’s a life of even less trust than you can imagine

GreenTulips · 09/12/2017 14:47

How do I look them in the face if I don't do everything to save our marriage?

Child of divorced parents here - thank god mum had the strength to leave and make us happy - poor yes - but so much happier

rizlett · 09/12/2017 14:47

He's realising how attractive you are now that you are picking yourself up and working out what sort of life you would like for yourself and your dc.

It might be that if you get back together you'll end up in just the same place you were before he left but with less self respect.

The choice is yours to make and there is no need to decide until you are ready but pick the choice that increases your self esteem.

Usually if someone cannot pick between two people they don't love either. [but only themselves]

ringle · 09/12/2017 14:47

I understand about wanting the whole family.

Might it help to think of this as a chess move -sacrificing your Queen.

You leave him, let OW know she can have him with your blessing.

Her feelings about him will then change..she may we'll decide he's damaged goods.

If he then comes back to you full of remorse and you dictate the terms, that's about the only way the whole family thing could work, I think.

kateandme · 09/12/2017 14:48

there should never be a choice or a decision to make hun.no other hould come into it you should always be his first.

StarWarsFanatic · 09/12/2017 14:56

You tell your children that, while they are products of a loving relationship, said relationship has run it's course. You have too much self-respect and respect for your DCs to let someone play merry hell with all of your lives for their own ego.

This isn't his decision to make. It is yours, personally my opinion would be telling him to get to fuck.

I say this as someone who's mother stayed. One of my siblings had incredibly low self-esteem and was in a string of relationships with arseholes that I feel has been influenced by our parents' relationship.

It also gave me serious trust issues when I was younger and I felt the need to seek my father's approval. Luckily I fell in love with a wonderful guy as a teenager who made me realise I was worth far more than that and hates the way my Dad treats my Mum. If he did what your OH did I would still tell him to get to fuck.

Mamia15 · 09/12/2017 14:56

OP, please read this x

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

nigelschristmasham · 09/12/2017 14:58

If he chooses you you will still never be able to trust him again. It's no sort of life. far better to be the one who decides.Even if it's a hard thing To do and feels counter intuitive now, ultimately it's always better to be master of your own destiny.

Omgineedanamechange · 09/12/2017 15:02

He’s going to choose this weekend! Fuck that shit. Like everyone else has said, take it out of his hands. Who the actual fuck does he think he is.

I’ll bet my pension that if you tell him to go fuck himself he’ll suddenly decide to “choose” you. Do not fall for it, he’ll pull the same shit again in a few weeks/months/years guaranteed.

whoareyoukidding · 09/12/2017 15:08

I can only echo what everyone else has said. It's over already Flowers

SingingSeuss · 09/12/2017 15:09

Let him decide, then when he chooses you tell him to do one. That way he ends up with no-one.

Lweji · 09/12/2017 15:15

I'd make that choice easy for him.

I'm sure he is enjoying knowing two women are pinning for him.

But I wouldn't want someone who isn't sure he wanted to be with me.
He's already betrayed you and he still edging his bets. Fuck him.

At this point I wouldn't even tell him anything. If he came back, I'd tell him to fuck off (as in too late), and if he decides for the other woman I'd just tell him that it was good for him as I wouldn't have taken him back anyway.
I don't think he'll make any decisions. He's in a great place right now, with no responsibility and probably sex with both.

If it helps, do something that makes you happy. Go out. See friends, go shopping, to the cinema. Don't wait for him at all.

Eringray · 09/12/2017 15:21

If he left you once, so don't let him in again, he can do it again and you will be broken hearted again. sometimes you just have to let go when its not worth it.

YeahRightOk · 09/12/2017 15:23

Please don't do the pick me dance.
Find some self respect and stop being a surrendered wife.

he's a total cunt by the way.

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