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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
roverman75 · 08/12/2017 22:46

You know what i give up , pistonheads was right you can't have a non conforming idea on here ,it's like some sort of man hating bitter clique ,take the man for all you can get ,there is no equality here

bluescreen · 08/12/2017 22:47

Dear god in heaven, what am I reading? The OP asks, perfectly reasonably, for support. She feels betrayed because her newly wed DH thinks it's OK to get his jollies off a lap dancer. Three times. And lied. She's clearly not alone in thinking that's absolutely not on, it's disrespectful, the lying about it is deceitful, and huge questions of respect and trust are raised for her. She needs - and, largely, gets - support. It's hardly a minority view that DHs getting personal lapdances aren't so deserving of the 'D'. Her not-so-D-H has behaved like an entitled, disrespectful shit, and is now in a sulk about being called out on his behaviour.
OP, you need Flowers and even possibly Gin. You have masses of sympathy on here. You certainly don't need shit.

But along comes a bloke saying not only: 'Not all men' (sigh) also 'And some women too, therefore pooh to you.'

Rover, I am sorry for what you suffered in the past. You say you are over it and have no wish to report your persecutor to the police. Perhaps then you can take your warped view of feminism to some other forum where it will be more sympathetically received, and stop pissing over this one. Or else you can stay here and maybe learn something if you actually pay attention to the actual words people are using.

No apologies for sounding harsh. If you want treating kindly about your own experience, start your own thread. Please don't piss all over someone else's.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 22:54

Learn something from you lot 😁 ha ha
As the person who has just told me to fuck off ,grow up your an adult not a 3 year old .
If you don't like me fine , don't read my posts ,I guess my life experience is too uncomfortable for you to believe
There is no equality for men on here , our voice and comments are treated like shit on your shoes ,it used to be nicer here
Hopefully the op ignores this thread and does what she thinks best

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 23:01

@roverman75.. seriously just sod off back to twistonheads.. you are missing the point and being a twat. Go, run like the wind, you don’t like it here, we’re all witches and bitches etc etc etc.. just go! It’s not your forum obviously and you don’t kind it here. Go and waste time talking about shite somewhere else

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 23:01

Ps I don't have a warped view of feminism maybe some on here do !

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 23:05

@blodpod, no
If you don't like it tough , freedom of speech etc.
You have the problem not me
Years ago this used to be a nicer , I'm fed up of seeing ltb and take him for everything you can , is that equality ,don't think so ,
I think I'll stay thanks very much ,just to piss people off

bluescreen · 08/12/2017 23:08

Learn something from you lot 😁 ha ha

Lovely.

pallisers · 08/12/2017 23:10

I guess you hate men with that comment . It's not about me ,it's about attitudes ,which you definitely have against men

Ah the old "hate men" comment. bingo.

This thread is about a woman who found out her partner is having lap dances and lied about it. She is having a hard time because he is not the man she thought he was. She - a real person dealing with a real horrible situation.

It isn't about "attitudes against men".

It isn't about you at all rover

plagueplague · 08/12/2017 23:10

Stop feeding it!

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 23:11

Just returning some of the abuse I've had, equality I think it's called ,some on here apparently don't understand it!

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 23:16

I've made my point on the op's post and have said he is in the wrong , I didn't like one person's attitude and have been got at by several people since because I said something they didn't agree with and apparently am wrong on it because ,I'm a man
I thought there was freedom of speech and equality on here ,apparently not and I need to do one.
Not happening

DrMorbius · 08/12/2017 23:29

Holly fuck are you still responding to this fuckwhit !!!!!!!! Time for bed peeps

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 23:35

Or are you mummy's boy

DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred · 08/12/2017 23:44

This thread is for supporting the OP for god's sake, not massive derailments and personal attacks.
Rover, if you're getting this wound up it's time to step away from the thread. Not because I'm a nasty man hating women who wants mumsnet, nay the world, rid of you, but because high blood pressure sucks.

Op, I would honestly feel the same as you, if not angrier. It's the lies and the hiding that leave scars. The first time you realise that someone you love can look you in the eye and just lie to you like it's nothing, and lie to you and feel nothing. If you don't feel less for them after that, then you're a stronger person than I am Flowers

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 23:53

I have is a beef with people abusing me because I haven't got the same views and because of that I'm a sexist woman hater ,who doesn't believe in equality , which isn't true .Just standing up for myself which some on here don't like
I've agree the guy did wrong but nobody has noticed miscarried on attacking me

DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred · 09/12/2017 00:02

Rover, I shall be gentle, which is very unlike me, but if you want to talk about the things that piss you off, you need to start your own thread and not be on this thread. This thread is for supporting the op. If you have things you want to discuss, start your own thread, and I'm sure you can have the discussion you need to.

But start your own thread, ok?
This one is for the op.
Start own thread.
This thread bad.
New thread good.
Etc.

roverman75 · 09/12/2017 00:07

No point , the decisions made by others as to what I am , don't care now , have better things to do than waste the time on them

pallisers · 09/12/2017 01:26

well, rover. you've successfully made us all talk about YOU and are now moving on as your job here is done.

Meanwhile this isn't a general debate thread about lap dances - there is a real woman who posted this thread worried and sad. How unkind of you to chose this particular thread on which to impose yourself and your ego .

hollowtree · 09/12/2017 01:34

It's the lying that would be a problem for me. My DH had a dance at his stag do and has probably had many before that but I didn't mind because I knew.

I was 3 months pregnant at the time and knew his friends would buy one for him so when he came home and I asked about it he told me. If he'd lied... I would not have been happy at all and now (3 months after birth) I would be devastated if he went behind my back to get a kick out of seeing a much nicer body than mine!

So sorry OP. Hope you're ok

tillytown · 09/12/2017 05:11

OP, tell his parents. They can explain to him why paying people for sexual gratification is wrong.

merville · 09/12/2017 06:48

I don't know of it's still going but there used to be a thing called Lap Attack at a club called Caesars palace on Streatham in London, it was one of the few places in the uk that had male lap dancing available for women. (The start was a typical male strip show but after you could buy lap dances and have them in a separate room - though still v open, not private booths or anything).

In my experience even the prospect (though I made it a reality) of their partner having a male lap dance has the most amàzing effect in letting them appreciate why their partner might be uncomfortable with a lap dance. The reason men who do this think it's ok is that they have to face the opposite, the shoe is never on the other foot. In fact the ones who do this would often not be ok even with their partner attending a typical Chippendales/dream boys show with virtually no physical interaction-except for the women taken on stage and even then it's all comical and very public.

It's all based in hypocrisy, as they'd never ever be ok with their partner doing the equivalent.

Really feel for op.

merville · 09/12/2017 06:50

(Never have to face the opposite)

merville · 09/12/2017 06:57

(For reference my then bf went into one in a stag do, had a 'table dance' he claimed was included with the entry price and was not private, and lied repeatedly about it - I went and had several lap dances from male strippers in retaliation, both personal and in a (sketchy I know) general 'I'll objectify men if men objectify women' way, and told him if he ever did anything similar again I would end the relationship. The only reason I didn't was that he was pressured to go in on a stag do, and (if not lying) did not purposefully buy a 'dance'.

merville · 09/12/2017 07:01

(I should add that the other reason they do this is that, as many others have pointed out, they objectify women and think it's ok to buy sexual services).