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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
candlefloozy · 06/12/2017 15:14

I hope you get some answers soon and you've just over reacted x

DearMrDilkington · 06/12/2017 15:15

Have you not got any other keys op?

eddielizzard · 06/12/2017 15:17

well at the moment the most you can accuse him of is lack of communication. just wait. patience. wait for him to come home and take it from there.

Animation86 · 06/12/2017 15:17

I have read every page there, hoping for a reasonable outcome :(

JingsMahBucket · 06/12/2017 15:19

This all sounds rather dramatic. I'm afraid I'm with LoverOfCake on this one. It actually sounds to me like he's gone to meet her but maybe just to have a talk with her to sort out closure.

OP, please try to calm down a bit and occupy yourself with something else in the meantime. Can you watch Netflix or listen to the radio or something? Anything other than working yourself into a frenzy either here or in other places online? Maybe take some time to do some window shopping on your favourite online boutique, etc.

And, get another a key made just in case.

CutThruTheBS · 06/12/2017 15:20

I would message him with "I know you are with her. At least have the backbone to tell me whether or not you are ever coming back or are you gone for good? "

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 15:20

I hope Iv overreacted too.

Women's intuition is a powerful tool. I wish it had kicked in earlier and maybe I'd have not fallen so hard for this.

Damn.

OP posts:
HildasStockings · 06/12/2017 15:22

And to be blunt, you have been incredibly stupid moving a man into your flat and with your child within just six months of having met him.

Now it seems very clear that the OP has rushed headlong into this relationship without giving it much thought

Self satisfied. Smug. Sanctimonious. And utterly devoid of compassion or thought for what the OP is going through.

Yep - EXACTLY like my ex MIL.

Are you her, Lover?

Hope you are ok OP? xx

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 06/12/2017 15:23

Hope this all sorts itself out op. It may not be as bad as you think. Flowers

PNGirl · 06/12/2017 15:26

Riiight. So he's just gone out, in his brand new clothes, switched off his phone, and reacted to the OP being home early enough to catch him not being there by saying "Oh fuck". And that's all fine? Just a new boyfriend being "out of touch"?

techni · 06/12/2017 15:29

Hope you and your son are OK OP.
I think the advice to go out/do something is good. I think you need to give it a bit longer before you can tell if he's gone, maybe he has gone to see her, and maybe he wants some space today - I think that's reasonable, provided that is it. Hopefully he will be back soon either way and you can move forwards.

Cantgetagoodusername · 06/12/2017 15:30

Jesus lover how many times do you have to say it Hmm I think the OP gets it yeah? It's not really helping her current situation to point out continually how stupid she's been is it Confused

OP, hope you're ok.

HermioneIsMe · 06/12/2017 15:31

I agree with Lover

In a case like this I would be worried like hell as to which he isnt answering his phone and hasn’t been back in time to let me and my ds in. I would be thinking accident, hospital whilst trying hard to remembervthat his phone might be flat and he just contact me. That he might have gone to xxx (Christmas shopping??) and the trains were late etc...
I wouldnt be wondering if he has just left me wo even saying so.

This thread is weird I have to say.

myrtleWilson · 06/12/2017 15:32

Sorry -minor off tangent question but why does your neighbour have keys but you only have one set between you? Or do you leave your flat door unlocked and the neighbour buzzed you into the building?
Hope you hear soon OP

missmoz · 06/12/2017 15:34

OP I know how it feels to think someone might just have upped and gone, my DP did this to me after an argument (which was my fault) and it was one of the longest nights of my life so really sympathise with you.

There's nothing you can do so I would maybe start trying to gather your thoughts and think about what your reaction would be to each scenario. If he's met her to talk how do you feel about that? Is it a deal breaker for you? If he's left for good then you will know soon that he's an utter coward.

Once you are maybe a bit clearer on how you feel about him contacting his ex, if that's what he's done, you might feel a bit more prepared to face him or msg him. The not knowing is the worst bit I know x

DottyS · 06/12/2017 15:38

LoverOfCake are you always so pious and sanctimonious in real life or do you just save it for an internet forum.

OP: I just popped by to do some hand holding. Try (impossible I know) not to think the worst until something actually happens. Thinking of you.

itshappening · 06/12/2017 15:40

You obviously did rush into things OP, but we all make mistakes, I make plenty! That doesn't mean you don't deserve sympathy and support. He still shouldn't be treating you like this. I think it is odd he has taken the keys if he doesn't plan to come back at all, if he had any sense he'd realise that would cause more hassle for him.

Babyblues052 · 06/12/2017 15:41

I don't think this is a case of a boyfriend losing contact for the day. Seems very shady to me. Why would he tell ops ds he would see him after school if he wasn't planning to? He's been caught out and doesn't want to face the music. Shitebag.

Also how does it help the op pointing out things from the past YOU think she has done wrong (moving in too quick ect) that she can't change. Don't you think she's in enough turmoil without the condescending comments?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/12/2017 15:41

If he has the only keys to the flat, I would hope that he at least manages to return them to you if he has left! No one could be that completely callous, surely?

But you still have a few hours to go, so my feeling is that he would have to come back, if only to collect his phone charger and leave the keys behind, or you'll be well stuck tomorrow.

However - you may still be right that he has emotionally left the relationship with you. I'd really take umbrage over his "FFS" response when you told him you were leaving work early, that's ridiculously rude! And I would reconsider the whole relationship based on that, and on his lack of contactability today.

I hope he brings the keys back and I hope things are ok for you - but use this time to reflect on how you are feeling, how low your sense of trust and security is in this relationship and whether you actually want to continue in a relationship with this man now you've seen another side of him.

HappenedForAReisling · 06/12/2017 15:41

OP, why don't you have keys to your own home?

HappenedForAReisling · 06/12/2017 15:43

Pressed post too soon.

IF he has left, does this mean you can't go out without locking yourself out?
I'd be addressing that problem straight away.

cjt110 · 06/12/2017 15:43

Hi OP. Nothing to add but wanted to say I hope it all turns out to be a big misunderstanding. Keep us posted x

velourvoyageur · 06/12/2017 15:43

OP I'm really sorry you're in this anxious position right now.

I do think however that since you don't have the full story and since he's left his stuff/not been missing for that long yet, there are really no certain conclusions you can draw here and so you'll just be torturing yourself going round and round all the possibilities with no resolution available. Think you just need to hang tight and somehow limit those swirling thoughts. You're not gaining any clarity by examining all the details up close - you'll probably have more perspective after you've had a period not actively thinking about it (it'll tick over in the background). I know it's easier said than done...

Is there any way you can distract yourself for the rest of the day - maybe take DS out to the cinema/theatre/skating etc? Or ask a friend with DC over for a games evening? Would be noisy and fun with kids around, and you'd have someone kind there, but without the opportunity to ruminate and hash things over endlessly with them.

With respect, Cut, I'm not sure that text would be so useful - OP doesn't know that and it doesn't come off as very calm, but rather that she's given in to catastrophising, which isn't rational - cool dignity is probably the best approach here. Let him come to you. I really don't doubt that he will do so eventually. It's only what, max 6 hours since you heard from him last?
If it continues into tomorrow, is there any way you could contact this ex?

I do feel for you as I can exactly imagine how awful it is to be on the waiting end of this. Really hope everything turns out as well as it can. He certainly owes you an apology for being so rude when he answered the phone, and for being flaky which resulted in your getting locked out.

itshappening · 06/12/2017 15:43

Lover it is very odd to go awol when you know that you have the only set of keys (which is odd in itself I admit) and need to let another adult and/or child in. If I had had to leave my DP locked out, or vice versa, there would have to be something going wrong somewhere for me not to be able to get any message to him.

wheresthel1ght · 06/12/2017 15:44

Sorry but i think you are being ridiculous. He has gone out, it isn't that cold in the north Midlands today, I haven't had a coat on all day and I work in the community so am. In and out of houses all day.

There are numerous reasons why his phone is off, I often put mine on "do not disturb" if I am in a clients home or in the office and then forget to turn it back on after, it may have run out of battery, the signal may be poor.

The fact your first thought is he has upped and left you says more about your own insecurity than anything else and people here hyping you up is frankly ludicrous.

Settle down, watch TV, carry on as normal. And stop being so melodramatic until you know what is happening for certain. Paranoia and supposition is not helpful for anyone