Think he's left me and not told me?!

[Carrotgirl999]

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

Lover was very blunt but they're right.

You've been through a lot op and I suspect your assessment of what's normal and sensible is skewed.

You clearly don't trust him, my advice would be continue with your day as superficially normal as poss for your son.

If/when he returns get your keys off him ask him to leave to at the very least give you both space to consider if this relationship is worth continuing but slow things right down, go back to just dating.

I also think it would be a very good idea for you to get some counselling re your relationships with men.

Honestly sounds like you'd be better off single for a while and get sorted through counselling and then carefully consider a possible future relationship.

It sounds as if he's rushed into things too and maybe regrets that.

It doesn't sound a remotely healthy dynamic to have around your son.

Thank you all, just had a walk and got
Some air. Iv done all the phoning and texting him I can, not tried to contact him for hours now.

I really do think if I'd not come home he would be here, and I'd be oblivious.

I'm not the begging type tho, he knows I know, and that's why he's not come home. Either that or he's decided to go back to her and doesn't care .

Either way I need to keep my dignity here and wait it out. Feels like time
Has stopped. Eurgh x

It certainly seems very strange. I hope it all works out for you OP, even if that is that you've actually had a lucky escape from someone who doesn't deserve you.

I am so sorry OP. I read this and kept expecting to see a reply that he had come back after an impromptu shopping trip or something.

With regards the keys, I work 7 - 5, he works 6-6, my son has a set to let himself in from school, I normally have the other set being last to leave and first home. The flat door is normally left open in the day (it's safe
Enough) but he had the communal door key aswell so a neighbour had to buzz me into the building. Now my son is home I have one set of keys in my possession. Hopefully that clarifies x

I wish I knew one way or another so I can focus on the 'lucky escape' part instead of the 'what the fuck is going on' part.

Unfortunately the later it gets the more obvious it seems.

Hi OP,

Just a bit of handholding from me too. The waiting/not knowing is just awful, isn't it... stomach churning.

I really hope there is some kind of innocent explanation, but if he's still not home and hasn't replied to any calls or texts, it's not looking good.

Keep your head held high, you've done nothing wrong here. He's just acted like a right twat.

It's really odd, the fact he didn't mention being out makes me question whether your hunch is right. If not for that I would think you were over reacting. I hope you hear something soon

Nope, not sanctimonious to suggest that the reason why the OP has jumped to the conclusion she has is because she doesn't know this man at all.

It's very clear that this isn't the relationship for her and that this is a wakeup call to that effect. It is entirely possible that this man is all the things she has concluded he is, but it's also entirely possible that he isn't.

But the fact here is that the OP cannot say either with certainty because she hasn't known him long enough to know either way. If this was a relationship which had been ongoing for years she could say with some certainty that she knew him but she doesn't, and this first blip is a clear indication that she doesn't.

Except the issue is that because they already live together it hits much harder to realise that he isn't what she thought or that the relationship isn't what she thought.

But yes, this thread is weird.

If the OP hadn't been living with this man people would be suggesting she not move in with him because clearly she doesn't know him. But because she's already moved in with him it's apparently sanctimonious to suggest that she doesn't know him, even though the same amount of time has passed. Riiiight.

Screw him. You are worth far more than him x

I am another one who is extremely puzzled about the keys situation. You can get a set cut for a fiver in Timpsons. What an unutterably odd way to operate the security/ access to the place that you live. Does your son have a set? Anyway, I digress.

OP, I want to give you a massive hug!
I think that there is a positive to take from this, namely that your DP was open with you about the contact from his ex, and about how he was feeling.

It therefore seems odd that he is now (presumably) scurrying off to have a clandestine rendezvous with her without telling you. And his reaction to your call is just bizarre.And he has form for just up-and-leaving everything, and final observation of oddities- he has gone out in December without a bloody coat!!! Does he have mental health problems? Is he a bionic man? He does not sound like he's fully in control of his behaviour.

Of course, there could be loads of other explanations for his absence- he could be out shopping, at the cinema, seeing friends... or whatever else he does with his leisure time. But YOU seem to have that 'spidey senses are tingling' feeling, and you're right- a woman's intuition isn't often wrong. I hope you get some answers soon. let's see what he has to say for himself before we hang the guy. This was maybe a personal pilgrimage that he felt he had to get over and done with before being able to move on without her. He was possibly always going to tell you about it.

However, if he is 'gone' gone, then you need to pull yourself up, no admonitions or regrets, and get on with your life,. If there's one thing I've learned it’s that you can't make somebody love you more than they want to, and it's a fool's errand trying to change that. You deserve more.

Stay strong, OP. I know it's not looking good, but if he has gone, or if he's been with her all day, you're honestly better off without him, despite how painful this is.

If it's all a big misunderstanding then you both need to sit down and have a good talk, and he needs to understand what he's put you through today.

Good luck.

Op, it's far to early to start assuming the worst. He could be anywhere, phone could be out of charge, anything. Stop jumping to conclusions. I really hope he turns up soon and you sort things out.

I'm not sure why you think the thread is weird. Yes, I agree with you, that perhaps I didn't know him as I had thought. 6 months isn't that long together, granted, but we spent ALOT of time together in those months, a lot of time with each other's family's, so I have possibly thought I knew him, but in the cold light of day when things have gotten a little confusing for him, he's run away. Or at least that's what it appears.

Maybe he hasn't, but my instincts are screaming at me now. He wouldve txt. He would've called from a payphone if he thought I was locked out or worrying.

Or maybe I THOUGHT he would've when in reality I obviously don't know him at all.

It is really cowardly of him to do this, if he has actually left you. At least if you knew, you could start to face the reality of the situation rather than wondering if he is ok and where on earth he is.

I know. That's the worst thing. I can't imagine why anyone would leave someone else wondering, it's madness to me.

If he wanted to be a coward he can be a coward over text message and give me some sort of peace of mind instead of this disappearing bullshit.

lover - can you actually hear yourself?

You just sit there, why don't you, telling everyone who will listen that the OP has made mistakes / doesn't know this man / has rushed things.

Are you so determined to be 'right' all the time that you cannot show a little compassion to someone who is clearly in turmoil?

Must you carry on having the last word? Is this what you are like in RL because I can't imagine you have many friends if you are.

Ugh - enough.

Being AWOL with no phone contact wouldn't normally worry me for just a few hours, but you know your partner and he has got form for this type of thing. If it does turn out he's done a runner, make sure he has no opportunity to come in and collect his belongings without facing you: Stay home tonight and tomorrow, and get a locksmith in.

any update?

Still nothing. No texts, no calls, not turned up. Nothing. Losing my fucking mind. It's only typing on here keeping me occupied x

Did you give him any clue that you suspected he'd gone to his ex in your calls or texts?

I said, I'm locked out!

Then I said 'I'm going out of my mind with worry, can you let me know if you're ok, if you're coming home, or if you're not, it's all I need to know'

That was around 1ish x

what will do you do/say if/when he returns? X

Although I'd called around...12 maybe? It rang and rang, no answer, tried again about ten mins later, straight to voicemail. So if his phones off, he won't have gotten any texts x

I honestly don't know what il do.

First thing I suppose is listen to him. See if he has a reasonable explanation. Then take it from there. I think the only forgivable thing would be honesty. 'I went to see her, I didn't want to worry you at work so I never said, my phone died, it's over with she's out of my life and I will be focusing on us from now on.' Anything less than that and there's no point even considering anything other than LTB x