Think he's left me and not told me?!

[Carrotgirl999]

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

How come he could lock you out? Do you not have a key to your own home?

Maybe he's clearing his head, maybe he's gone for closure, who knows.

I certainly don't think he's sleeping with her either way.

Worst case he's torn whether to go back and wants to see her to talk about it.

Well I guess worst case is he made his mind up between 8 and 9 this morning and was so eager to get to her didn't bother putting his coat on.

Either way he coulda sent a bloody text message. X

Lover its quite obvious what he's doing, he should have the decency to message her.

Definitely better off without him op bag his stuff up and drop it if to his family. You deserve to be treated better than this

Absolutely agree with @nibora.......

Oh love, it's OK, whatever happens you will be ok.

You trusted someone who wasn't worthy of that trust. that's on HIM, not you.

Yes you'll feel idiotic, but you have been through and survived worse. Don't let this shake your faith in people. This is ONE person, not everyone.

FWIW, you know only what you have been told. He said he thought she'd cheated. Maybe that's not true? Maybe he just walked out on her after 8 years and she's not got over it? She will justify getting him back despite him living with you as you have only been with him for 5 minutes.

No this doesnt make anything less painful or less wrong, but who knows what their relationship was really like.

Hindsight has 20/20 vision.

You will get past this and you will be stronger and happier.

and let her know, what's happening, he owes his partner some respect don't you think. Not leaving her wandering, or worried.

Does he work as you said he was at home today?

Lover it's not the first time he's gone out, bloody hell.

He goes out all the time, normally with a 'il be a few hours just nipping to XYZ' and there is no reason when I called him this morning he didn't say 'oh I'm just out for the day can a neighbor let you in'.

I KNOW Iv been stupid, I do. But please, I'm having a shitty day, I'm worried sick, and I feel in limbo. Please just give my mistake a rest for now.

Any news op? X

I think he is with her now.

Poor thing OP. You must feel sick to your stomach. Whether he is leaving you or just meeting her to show off how well he is doing the fact remains that he will know you came home to an empty house and will be sitting there wondering wtf he is doing.

It is a horrible disrespectful thing to do to you.

loverofcakes - I so wish everyone in the world was as perfect as you -
never made a bad decision, never misjudged someone, never had regrets. Go and polish your sanctimonious halo, love.

While, I agree that on the face of it this is not looking great, I think it’s a little early to panic. Is it possible he’s been held up doing something else?

I can imagine that finding out that a long-term partner is cheating on you is really traumatic. People can do funny things when that happens to them. So, I’m going to go against the grain here and say that just because he was able to leave everything behind after finding out he was cheated on, does not necessarily mean that this is his standard way to get out of tricky situations. It might be, but it doesn’t have to be.

There's nowt you can do right now.

If he's considering his options; he'll be back and you can talk. If he's gone; he'll be in touch eventually for his things.

Either way, it doesn't bode well for this relationship. I do believe he's probably disappeared to think about things; but I wouldn't be in a relationship where my partner had to deeply consider if they preferred me to someone else. That wouldn't be the relationship for me. It seems clear there are still some residual feelings for his ex; whatever they are.

Look after yourself; and wait it out use the time to think about yourself and what you want; and what you need. It might not be him.

I’m with lover on this

OP you say no contacting you etc is completely out of character - how do you know that? You’ve only known the man 6 months. Him not contacting you is only different to how he’s been so far. You don’t know his full character yet, you can’t say whether it’s normal for him or not to do this.
Moving in with somebody so soon is a big risk, and to do so when you’ve got a son to think of is quite silly really. At 6 months a lot of couples haven’t even introduced new partners to their kids yet - perhaps this could all be a lesson?

I do agree you sound like a rebound for him. If he has vanished for good, give it a month for him to collect his things. Make it clear that you’ll be selling his possessions as you need money for the rent.

Even if he hasn’t gone and does come back, do you really wanna be with someone like that? My DP has never swore at me, he’s never said “for fuck sake” when I’ve told or asked him something because he has respect for me. That alone would be it for me. He doesn’t respect you.

i suspect youre right :(

I hope youre ok xx

Why don’t you have a key to your own house?

I would try not to catastrophise just yet - but if and when he returns home, I think you'll have to have a conversation about trust in your relationship. If your first thought is abandonment, that says a lot. Hope it turns out to be innocuous.

He works full time but has had holidays this week, all week off, normally I'd be first home so I would take the keys, this morning I said, oh, shall I leave you the keys today and you can buzz me in? Incase he went shop/pub whatever while
I was out. He said yeah. As normal if I'm working and he isn't.

My sons just come home and said oh I thought X was in and you were at work, he told me he would be here after school'

Deffo avoiding coming home.

lover - your smug tone is really ill-judged and unhelpful.

You sound exactly like my know-it-all ex MIL.

*Maybe he's clearing his head, maybe he's gone for closure, who knows.

I certainly don't think he's sleeping with her either way.

Worst case he's torn whether to go back and wants to see her to talk about it.

Well I guess worst case is he made his mind up between 8 and 9 this morning and was so eager to get to her didn't bother putting his coat on*

Oh come on OP!! Nobody here can say whether he’s slept with her or not but let’s be honest there’s a high chance!

He’s a grown man. Why would you want to stay with somebody who secretly meets up with his ex for ‘closure’. If he still feels as if he needs that then he obviously isn’t over her! Regardless of why he’s gone to see her the fact is he’s lied to you. All it’s taken is a few messages from his ex and he’s already acting differently.

I don't know what is going on but for you OP, you will be ok.

I hope you at least get some answers soon. Does he still have your keys?

He doesn’t need his new clothes on to nip out and clear his head. Sounds like he’s meeting his ex.
His behaviour shows how very little he cares for you.
Tosser. Stay calm don’t worry about him he’s clearly not worrying about you.

To play devil's advocate, he could be off breaking it her in person that he wants to be with you, OP. She could be upset, and he can't get in touch. I appreciate that this seems unlikely, but don't write him off yet.

I know that what he's done is wrong regardless. But I feel until I know what's going on, I can't process the idea that this behaviour is worth LTB when I'm trying to process that I might not ever see him again either way.

He's got the keys yes x

Hardly sanctimonious to suggest that it's not the norm to jump to the conclusion that someone has left for good simply because they went out of contact.

This has obviously been a wakeup call for the OP in that she's realised that this isn't the relationship for her and has clearly moved too quickly as she obviously doesn't trust him.

But the rest jumping on the bandwagon, telling her to bag up his stuff etc are clearly loving the drama as other than the OP's mistrust there is literally nothing to suggest that this man has left for good.

FGS he's been out of contact for a few hours. If this wasn't a live-in boyfriend and someone posted that the man they had been seeing for six months hadn't been in touch since this morning and as such they felt they'd been ghosted people would be telling her to take a step back and not be so dependent.