Think he's left me and not told me?!

[Carrotgirl999]

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

He's leaving my keys tomorrow, and some money. He said he 'can't see me hurt' so wanted to come while I'm out. I said 'don't worry, il be out, I don't really want to see you either.'

I absolutely know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they will not work long term. They had split up 3 times in 8 years, for periods of 8 months each time. A year this time. No doubt in my mind it'll happen again, and if he dares to crawl back all he will get is blocked.

He's made his bed now. I'm very fucking hurt don't get me wrong. But I'm glad it's 6 months in and not 6 years. Il manage, I know I will.

OP, you sound like a person who can learn from tough situations and move on.

Arf at the tattoo!

Could he be Bi Polar by any chance?

Please don't do that. It's not right to ask if someone has a serious MH illness in response to someone being an arse because he wants his ex back. It's offensive.

I am sorry OP. Onwards and upwards for you. I know it hurts now but better now than a few years done the line. You're going to be just fine

I think, I have lots of ghosts in my past that I need to deal with. This will be another one to add to the list.

I need some time, to learn who I am, what I want. I just need to get through the lonely part first, the bit where you can't settle, can't sleep, can't eat.

Probably after xmas. A new year new start will be a good time for me to get my head together. I know I keep saying il be ok, I need to tell myself that until I believe it x

Oh my god @Carrotgirl999 what a complete prick! Fucking idiot. They are welcome to each other. If he's anything like the guy who did this to me, he'll slink back and offer you some ridiculous crumbs from his table. You will experience the pleasure of giving him the deepest disdain because when he realises he has fucked up you will have moved on and he will mean nothing. I promise.

Oh to see the look on her face when she sees that tattoo! It may not seem that way now Carrot, but you've had a lucky escape and when he comes sniffing around again – because he will, when they split up for a fourth time – stay strong and tell him to do one.

So he does not want to face you, as he does not want to face up to the way he treated you. What a coward. You are well rid. How did you meet him?

dear god.

he really is an absolute, absolute fool.

This has very little to do with her and everything to do with him - funnily enough I have a family member who has gone through similar with a total numpty of a bloke. It wasn't about his ex either, who he never did get back with in the end anyway. It was about him. Never able to see the wood for the trees. Nothing ever his fault, he was the star-crossed hero. Just one of those people that is ALWAYS making a shit decision, then fucking up his life trying to un-make it on realising he'd messed up.

Just like your numpty. So - because he didn't have the sense to sit down, talk it through and make a measured decision back then instead of flouncing out, he's now back with a person he's clearly not suited to, who his family hate, with a new tattoo (!) having totally messed up his living situation, his family will now hate him and her even more... the list goes on. What a twat.

And yes they will be over again in six months. How miserable!

He’s just upped and left his life, moved back to her in another county? What about his job?

What about her boyfriend?

This is barmy, he sounds so immature and irresponsible.

I give them six months..

So he wasn't ever at his mum's?

And - what does his brother think of him being back with her?

Awkward family Christmas ahead I would think.

Keep his Christmas presents, donate them to a charity giving out Christmas presents for low income families?

Please make sure you change the locks. Giving you your keys back doesn't mean anything, if he's got spares.

Well presumably she's dumped her bf after this latest cheating too and they're shacked up somewhere.

They sound made for each other - in the most miserable way possible!

If you want to keep talking about this, You need to make a new thread because Mumsnet threads lock at 1000 messages

Hats off my woman, you will go far. As will your son with a rock like you as a mother.

Completely agree.

LOVE the tattoo!

Gosh OP, I really feel for you.

I was future faked by a guy many years ago and quite frankly it still fucks me off now.

(Was long distance, he moved to my city - his choice. We spent a wonderful 6 months together. He had a job and a flat share. We had booked a holiday and planned to move in together after the holiday)

We had a beautiful night, sex as usual, he walked me to train station, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and within a few hours packed his essential shit up and got on a train back up to his home city (400 miles away). He rang my work phone to tell me it was him not me, he hated my home city and was so home sick, he was soery to hurt me etc then turned his mobile off and I never heard from him again

This was a good 15 years ago, before social media / WhatsApp and short of following him to his parents (I wouldn't lower myself) I was left without any closure and had so many unanswered questions.

I'll never get over the cuntiness of what this person did to me.

I have had an amazing life after this man.... Lots of travels and partying and have 2 beautiful kids, another on the way and a DP I adore. I don't wish things had turned out differently. I just wish the guy who went AWOL just owned his decision a bit more, and had told me in a grown up manner.... and allowed me to ask questions and have some damn closure.

It's shitty OP but you'll be fine.

YY to changing locks.

And horrid thing to say but make sure all valuables and any photos or things are locked away. He might want to take photos or stuff which is 'joint' to destroy - don't give him that option.

Have to say, I don't like the idea at all of him coming in the flat while you're not there - mainly as if they think you're out, she may come with him.

Can you get some kind of handover done? - via brother? Leave it all in communal hallway from x time and lock flat?

Don't be hard on yourself Carrot....none of this was your fault.
He made all the decisions he has made in life.
He seems to thrive on being in a state of flux and some people just have to have drama going on in their life.
Don't be surprised if tries to contact you asking for relationship advice with his ex!
He will almost certainly want to remain friends because he wants you on the back burner.
No Contact is the only way you will get the chance to concentrate on what you want and need to do for your own emotional wellbeing.
You have been amazing through all this and you will come out of it a lot tougher if you put your own needs first.
If you have a chance read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That or look at the Freedom Programme.
Oh how I wish MN had been around when I was your age so much support and advice, it's amazing really!

Tbh he sounds pretty dramatic, and cowardly. There are plenty of men in the world you don't need to settle for a wally who has such little self respect he'd rather be re-kicked by an ex.

please start a new thread so we can keep supporting you through, having a virtual drink for you this evening!!

Sorry to hear this but at least you know where you stand. You are coping amazingly well and are better off without him.

@Carrotgirl999 I got dumped in a cafe after 20 years (17 years married)! He just drove off! I'm healing nicely now 😊👍

Iv started a new thread for those who want to follow me on this miserable journey 😂😭 feel free x

where is the new thread?

Can you link the thread so we don't lose you x